PINK

There are various ways to survive my job and the intensities of working with patients who are struggling with the addiction of drugs and alcohol, among other issues. I really hear terrible stories. We live in a world that heartbreakingly painful and tough and evil. Last week was a rough one for me. I had several patients break down and cry in my office and tell me things that just really hurt my heart. Usually I leave work and shut off the work part of my brain. But, lately, I've been troubled by some of the pain and sadness in a different way than before. So, I'm at home today. I'm sitting here in my sunny cove and writing. I just didn't think I could possibly try to help anyone else today when I just hurt right now. The past few months have been riddled with more trials than I could have imagined and I do believe the 20's are just crazy years. I pray that life settles down as I grow up. I've cried more tears in the last three months than I would have thought possible and I'm glad we don't know the future because I do believe I would have quit some time ago if I had known. It's strange though. I have a job that I like, a home that is mine, friends that I cherish, parents I get along with, and a boyfriend who is pretty cool. But, it's still just hard. I mean, trying to grow up and be a productive, independent adult with healthy relationships and coping skills. I try to act confident, but I honestly have no idea what the hell I'm doing. No idea, whatsoever. I mean, I show up at work and listen and offer whatever wisdom I have and hope that I have impacted someone's life in a positive way each day. I try to communicate effectively with my boyfriend. I try to be a loyal friend. I try to do all kinds of things and honestly, today, I just quit. I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of messing up and I'm tired of wondering how to do things better. I'm tired.

I think I might go to Nashville on Saturday after work and see my nephews. They are usually the all-time cure for the blues. Something about their spunk and their excitement and their faces when I arrive.

Other ways we survive at work: Well, every Friday I wear my Fun Friday shoes which are my $5 K-mart shoes with rainbows. I get lots of compliments on these shoes and my co-worker and I get to do a shoe high-five and that's always fun. And, we make kitty pictures. I'll have to attach one. There's really no way to describe these. And, we now have the bouncy ball game. It's pretty neat and now involves like 70 bouncy balls. We get the bouncy balls from the Pizza Hut near work out of a pin-ball like machine. I got about 20 new ones last Friday. So, we all have our bouncy balls and we have starters and each of us gets several tries to get the balls into the Bengals helmet that just happens to be hanging around Matt and Tim's office. Now, you don't just get to throw the ball into the helmet, mind you. It must bounce or richocet or swerve around the room in a cool fashion and then glide into the helmet. And yes, we have score cards and rules, etc. It reminds me of Calvinball in a way, actually. So, we do that. And I laugh a lot at work. Or try to. And we have nuclear options. But, those are kind of classified, so ask me privately about that one.
But, for today, I'm sitting in the sunny cove. I just ate a little lunch, drank a little pink lemonade, and got my toes painted a light pink color. I don't think I've had my toes painted a color since about the 5th grade. At that point, I painted them neon green and left it on all summer. I thought it was really cool at the time. However, when I took the polish off, my toenails were dyed a gross yellowish-green color which took another 2 months to go away. Needless to say, it left a bad taste in my mouth about colored polish. But, here I sit with pink toenails for whatever reason.

nerdery

I am housesitting/babysitting for the next eight days. I started this afternoon and I must say it is just the strangest thing. I'm sitting here in someone else's house and here is what I have discovered. This family buys Equal. I didn't know that people still bought Equal. I thought everyone switched to Splenda like me. Interesting. Also, other people read Newsweek and People magazine, apparently. I thought maybe I was the only one willing to admit that I like the news, but really like the gossip.Third, I am not the only person capable of collecting more "stuff" than I could ever need or use. I really think this so-called "stuff" sneaks in when I'm sleeping and hides under the bed, only to be discovered when I have to move. Fourth, I'm always surprised when I get to be a witness to the family dynamics and find that other families function really differently than mine. I know this intellectually, but I'm surprised every time I encounter a new family situation. Fifth, people really like their TV's. I have a TV, but it doesn't actually play any stations. I can watch movies on it and for the most part, I'm totatlly okay with that. I've never really watched that much TV. Although, I did watch a record-breaking amount of football on Saturday and I am beyond excited about the return of the office on Thursday night. But, give me a good book or a pretty journal or a handsome boyfriend to play cards with, and I am set. But, back to the televisions. People have them everywhere. Like in multiple rooms of the house. When I was growing up we had one of those big screen TV's with the roll out top that projected the light onto one screen and then onto the big screen. We kept that thing until the color went totally green. We still enjoy the orange couch that has been around forever and a day.

Speaking of orange, my mom has these hideous orange flour and sugar containers. She wanted to get rid of them about 15 years ago and buy something more up to date and I practically threw a fit. I wanted her to keep those ugly orange containers. It's weird and I don't know why I'm so attached to them, but I'll probably inherit them someday. I guess kids just hold on to the memories. I always remember coming home from school and I'd sit at the counter and do homework while mom cooked dinner. Then, Dad would come home and he'd pat mom's bottom and kiss her on the cheek and I'd be totally embarrassed, but so thankful that my parents were still in love. And, those orange containers would be chilling on the counter near to it all. Yeah, I'll be the one who says to her brothers, sure take the sterling silver, I just want the orange flour jar. I can't take any of it with me when I go to heaven anyway.

So, the sadness has not passed yet. But, it's okay. It's okay.

Yoplait

I just ate a container of blissful blueberry yogurt. On the back someone was kind enough to let me know that my yogurt was approved by the National Yogurt Association and was approved for live and active cultures. Let’s dissect this. A. Who gets to be a member of the National Yogurt Association and who would want to be on the board? I mean, I love yogurt, but there are few foods I would go to bat for. B. What exactly are live and active cultures? Weirds me out a little bit to think of putting little living, exercising things into my body. But, hopefully they are doing the electric slide in my stomach and cleaning out any toxins and then taking the alpine slide on out into the wave pool.

Recently I’ve been feeling pretty down. Depression is always strange to me. Sometimes, okay all the time, I really just want to feel good. But then, some sadness will hit and take a little while to go away. This time I haven’t been feeling very patient with wanting the sadness to go away. Sometimes I can relax, let myself feel the emotions, and peacefully know that it will pass. This time I just feel anxious and very unsure of how to handle things. Sometimes it’s easier to help other people than it is to help myself and follow my own advice.

cloudy skies

So, my shoebox of an office is now a lovely shade of light blue. It is much more pleasant than the peeling shades of brown that previous adorned the walls. My office by the way was going to be an elevator shaft back in the 80's, I believe. But, the funding didn't come through, so now the shaft is my office. It is about 5x5 and just as cozy as you can imagine. I've had three people in there at one time and it was a bit like camping so I generally go to another office to hang out. However, the office does have a door that closes and a computer that is mine and a telephone that I try not to answer too frequently. And, some therapy does happen in there as often as possible and hopefully some healing as well. But, back to the paint. Like I said, the office is blue and that has created quite the drama in the workplace. I've never been a trouble-maker, but I think I was this week. It was kind of fun, kind of weird, and kind of wounding. I just find it strange that anyone would care about the color of my office when there are spiderwebs everywhere, you can smell the mold, and the colors of brown are so depressing that it surprises me that anyone can have a good day. But, the whole thing really happened because some people either don't have enough to do or are miserable and therefore, want to make me miserable as well. Bradford was going to re-paint my office brown, but thankfully I stood up for myself and several people stood up behind me. I think we're the ones with some idealism left. The ones who want to worry about the important things in life like helping patients get better. The ones who believe that the patients are worth it. I feel like that was the part of me that was threatened. The part that wants to make things better. To make Bradford look better. To make my patients feel more comfortable. To believe that change is possible. And as I write, I sound awfully idealistic, but I am glad and I am letting that part of me remain and start to heal.

boo-ya

I may not make a lot of money as a social worker, but today I took a holiday and got paid to eat good food and ski on the lake. Yes. It is true.