how many friends do you have?

On facebook I have 706 friends. However, I would not say that I actually even know 706 people. I did go through that 'must have friends on facebook to prove my worth' phase, so whatever.

I am at home and I am taking the day off of work tomorrow. I am so excited I can barely stand it. I'm probably gonna go crazy and clean the house, paint, and exercise. Yes, that is crazy for me. I might even get a pedicure.

So, tomorrow is Halloween. Halloween is such an odd holiday. All the costumes and candy. I'm loving fall more than ever this year. I don't know what it's about, but I just love the cool weather, the changing leaves, the pumpkins, the lightness of spirit. I love the power of the cold coming in and washing away the heat. I like seeing the birds flying south in spectacular V formations. How do they know to do that?! Tomorrow Melissa and I are making homemade applesauce. I am a bit of applesauce snob. My family made creamed corn, applesauce, and jam every year. And there is nothing like the sweet, chunky goodness of homemade. The store bought applesauce seasoned to taste like strawberries just doesn't do it for me. We made the applesauce and then put it on top of Mickey Mouse waffles for breakfast. I used to have waffle eating contests with my brothers. Kind of unfair since I was five and they were fifteen and seventeen. I held my own though. I turned anorexic later so go figure. It all evens in the end, I guess.

I got cable television this week. It's been a big addition to my life. I got to watch my Titans beat the Colts on Monday night and then I just concentrated on seeing how many shows I wanted to watch at the same time since I have almost 100 channels. Who knew there were this many shows? Correction: this many terrible, mind-numbing shows. It's good for now though.

Blue

When I was little, I used to crawl under the dining room table while all of the adults were finishing their food and tie my grandfather's shoelaces together in an elaborate mess of bows and knots. Then, I would sneak, ever so sneakily, back to my seat and pick at my food just waiting for my grandpa to stand up. And, at the end of the meal, he would stand up from his place at the head of the table, and pretend to almost fall down while trying to walk. I thought it was hilarious every single time. It is one of my first memories.

I also remember Warren tying a rope on the end of a box and pulling me around the house in the box. I thought it was just divine. He would also come home from high school and go down to the creek with me and play. He was 17 years old. I was 5. He was (and is) one of my heroes. We would build stick boats and race them down the creek. I would joyfully hop in the water to free them if stuck. It was delightful.

I also remember dancing with my Dad. I stood on the bed and held his hands and we danced back and forth while singing some song...maybe from My Fair Lady. It was good.

I also wore a blue sequin belt for about 2 years straight. Church, playtime, bed, didn't matter. Alison had the belt on. It was hot and I still have it. Maybe Halloween. Maybe.

May I

It's funny how distracting pain or self-pity can be. I'm sitting here at my desk about to leave for the week. It's been a long week. And, as a glanced to my right, I noticed an empty picture frame and immediately felt a little twinge of sadness or lonliness. But, I look next to the frame and there is a mug from Amy W. that I received on my 26th birthday because she knows how much I love hot tea and beautiful mugs. And on the wall is a collage made by Amy B. as a gift at some point in my life. It is covered in sunflowers and bright colors and fun quotes because she knows I love these things. And above my desk is a hand-stitched serenity prayer that my mother found at a yard sale and got because she knows how much this prayer means to me and my job as a recovery helper. And there are kitty pictures that my co-workers and I have made for each other. And there is a diploma representing my education and the gift of time and money that was poured into my life to help me be successful and happy. And there are fun shoes on my feet and bouncy balls in my drawer and a glow-in-the-dark braclet on my wrist and a fake tatoo on my arm. May I never lose sight of the fact that I am loved completely and may I never chose to focus on the lesser and lose sight of the greater. May I never take for granted what I have and may I open myself up to loving better and accepting love in all of its forms.

my halo's too tight

Brennan Manning writes, "the gospel of grace calls us to sing of the everyday mystery of intimacy with God instead of always seeking for miracles or visions...Grace abounds and walks around the edges of our everyday experience." I don't know what to write these days. My life still feels very strange. I still miss Aaron and I am redefining my life, my time, my friendships, and my faith. In regards to my faith, I am particularly interested in rules. I am really sick and tired of rules. Rules just make me want to throw a small fit and say a loud stream of cuss words. Now, don't misunderstand, I believe in rules for the good of society so that we're not all running around looting and stealing. But, I'm tired of rules for rules' sake. I'm more into freedom for freedom's sake and fun for fun's sake. Now, for me this generally involves just not trying to please everyone and shaking it a little harder when I go out dancing and saying a few more cuss words when people can actually hear them. This does not give me free reign to do anything that would hurt someone else or myself on purpose.

But, back to Brennan. I am trying to remain in a spirit of gratitude lately. And, it helps me to write it down. So, I am thankful for the sunset last night. It was glorious and fleeting. I was thankful to be a witness to the hand of God. I'm thankful for my apartment. I love this space. It's my little refuge in the world and I feel so at home here. I'm thankful for my friends. There is nothing like a phone call right now to let me know that I am being thought of and loved. Payday. I get paid tomorrow and I am ever-grateful for a job that I not only like, but that allows me to pay my bills and do some fun things on the side. The fall weather. There is something about fall and spring that is surprising each year and let's me sense a power greater than myself and a sense of "aliveness." Hot tea in the morning and diet soda twice a day. I love the warmth of the tea and the fizzle of a diet soda. My co-workers. I don't even know how to describe them, but I could not do my job and remain sane without their wisdom and laughter and support.

No more rules.

Each morning I read a meditation out of 'The Language of Letting Go' by Melody Beattie. Today, October 18, states, "We have arrived at the understanding that we needed our experiences - even our mistakes - to get to where we are today. Do we know that we needed our life to unfold exactly as it did to find ourselves, our Higher Power, and this new way of life? No matter what happens, you can take care of yourself. And what happens will continue to be good, better than you think. I trust that the Plan is good, even when I don't know what it is."

Norman

I have to believe the quote that states, "when all is lost, all is left to gain." I am grieving what feels like a death. There is something so strange about a break-up. It really shakes things up. My emotions are stirred, the pictures come down, the notes are stored away to possibly be read in a few years or to be thrown out with time, I try to rediscover the 'I' and say goodbye to the 'we.' One of the hardest things right now is that I don't have much to give my patients. I want to listen to their pain and be helpful, but I don't have much room for more hurt. I stare at them a bit glassy-eyed and understand their desire for things to feel better "right now." I wish someone had an answer. I wish this could pass more quickly. I wish I could step outside of myself and truly examine the relationship and how I need to change for the better. I wish I could glimpse two years from now when I am grateful for these lessons and somehow, have forgotten the intensity of the pain. It's always been strange to me how a person can forget pain so easily. I've gone through break-ups before, but each one wounds in a different, deep way. And I suppose I'm grateful for this because I wouldn't have the guts to go around risking my heart again if I were able to remember what this feels like. But, I know it will pass with time and I will risk it all again. And it will be worth it again. Psalms 139 says that "you hem me in-behind and before; you have laid our hand upon me...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." So, whatever mistakes I may have made, I'm okay because the Lord thinks I'm a cool chick and that's enough.

The Velveteen Rabbit

I want to claim all the things I know as true and walk with the confidence that my God has my best interest at heart. I want to rest in the place that comforts my soul with His will. I want to believe that He is taking me to the right person at the right time. But the fact is that I just hurt right now. I walk around feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. I break into tears at any moment, food is uninteresting to me, I wake up thinking about him and us, my stomach hurts all the time, I laugh like crazy at times and the next moment I can barely engage in conversation because I can't focus on the topic or I don't care enough to put forth the energy. I am incredibly sad. I miss him. I miss us. It's frightening to be this real in public. It really is.

hmmmm...

"One thing we owe to Our Lord is never to be afraid. To be afraid is doubly an injury to him. Firstly, it means that we forget him; we forget he is with us and is all powerful; secondly, it means that we are not conformed to his will; for since all that happens is willed or permitted by him, we outght to rejoice in all that happens to us and feel neither anxiety nor fear. Let us then have the faith that banishes fear. Our Lord is at our side, with us, upholding us."
-Charles de Foucauld

rang my tater

I am in Nashville this weekend and spent the afternoon playing with my nephews. I am always delighted to find that the games haven't changed over the past 20 years. My Nashville nephews are 4 and 6. We played freeze tag (I am personally a fan of the Chinese variety), hide and seek, climbed trees, made diet drinks explode by throwing mentos into them, ate ice cream, and played with leggos. If we had had more time, we would have run through the best curious george stories and engaged in at least three more tickle fights. In spite of the fact that many kids are growing up too quickly these days and knowing too much about adult material, I am thankful that my nephews still get to delight in the simplicity of childhood. And I was ever so thankful to get to delight in it as well, just for the afternoon.
I did find it funny that my nephews, obviously being boys, were building space invaders and war tanks out of their leggos while I, obviously being a girl, was happily building a little house complete with door and window. We are just hardwired so differently.
We overheard William talking in the kitchen today. This is what he said, kid you not:
"Satan, this is William. I don't like you. I'm sorry that it has to be this way, but it does."
Of course, he also called me a "weird little booger" today, which is technically true. So, the kid is pretty darn honest and pretty much right on target.

mi casa

Today, I've tried to be mindful of my many blessings, for which I am truly grateful.
1. My job. There is no perfect job. But, every day I get to do a job a love and make enough money to live. I connect with people on a daily basis. I hear their stories and try to help myself and other people be more healthy and happy. Bradford is out in the woods and after a good rain, when the sun is shining through the trees, it is just beautiful. I work with two really cool people, who I am pleased to call my friends. I had originally asked God just for someone to eat lunch with. I never imagined that I would have friends to play bouncy ball with, create silly cat pictures with, and wear fun shoes with on Friday.
2. My apartment. I am so blessed to have a space in this world that I call mine. I am comfortable here. I love my surroundings and it makes me feel cozy. I like coming home.
3. I am thankful for the million things my body does without me telling it to. I give my body so much grief over this little mark or freckle or wrinkle or sliver of fat. Yet, I fail to remember that my body is constantly breathing, sending oxygen around to my organs, blinking my eyes to keep them from drying out, sneezing when needing, swallowing, using food and water for energy, thinking, feeling, sleeping and waking, moving my muscles for my workouts, telling me when to be hungry and full, healing wounds or sickness, etc. It's really quite unbelievable.
4. Resilience of spirit. I am so thankful that my body and spirit and mind keeps on trucking. I really thought last night that I could feel my heart breaking apart (again) and I wasn't sure I was going to survive. How to survive another heart ache? But, here I sit tonight and I'm not sure how I got from last night to tonight, but my body, spirit, and mind did it.
5. My parents. It's nice to have them in my corner. There is nothing like a mom and dad. Nothing like knowing that someone thinks I am the coolest thing on the planet (along with my brothers) and everyone else should know it too. Thanks mom.
6. Laughter. I love to laugh. It just helps make life so much better.
7. My friends. There is nothing like a friend skipping choir just so I can be in her presence and not alone. For isn't that what we so often desire, to know that we are not alone in this big world?
8. My health. I am thankful that a bad time doesn't throw me into an anorexic or bulimic spree each time. I still have bad times and I still have to be mindful of my health. But, I know what to do and I am thankful for this knowledge.
9. My faith. I am ever so thankful to know the Lord. I am grateful that He is big enough to handle my everything, including my anger.
10. Fall leaves. There is nothing like the changing seasons to remind me that I am alive and grateful for life.

I keep running across the idea of coming home. I read recently that one of the translations for salvation means "coming home." And Sue Monk Kidd writes, "the image of coming home is a powerful, archetypal symbol for returning to one's deepest self, to the soul." When I think of coming home, I think of a place that is comfortable and yet, sometimes difficult for it represents me and I'm not always sure that I like myself, or at least all of myself, and I have to become comfortable in my own skin and my own process.

Amen

When I was in treatment several years ago, one of my mom's friends wrote her the following email.

"I think Rock Bottom is the only place we really learn. It isn't only true of AA, it is true of all of them. This is only one more variant. But it is a blessed place too. It really gets our focus, purpose, meaning and place aligned like nothing else can or does. Until we get to that place where we choose, symbolically perhaps, between life or death, we don't have a life. Most of us slide through life without ever choosing it. Consequently, we never really live either. This could be a huge blessing in her life. Crisis usually has that potential."

Amen.

just for today

Someone said recently, "Where is your gratitude?" It wasn't spoken as a direct question to me, but I was struck by the truth of those words. Am I truly grateful for what God is doing in my life? Am I truly grateful for His presence in my life and the fact that hardship brings me to my knees in desire and desperation for His wisdom? Do I trust that God has my best interest at heart when I hurt and when I don't understand? Do I believe that all I need is God each moment and that this world and its people and things will pass away and I stand in need of my Savior?

Henri Nouwen writes, "Where there is reason for gratitude, there can always be found a reason for bitterness. It is here that we are faced with the freedom to make a decision. We can decide to be grateful or bitter...

Our first, most spontaneous response to pain and suffering is to avoid it, to keep it at arm's length; to ignore, circumvent or deny it...Still my own pain in life has taught me that the first step to healing is not a step away from the pain, but a step toward it...The deep truth is that our human suffering need not be an obstacle to the joy and peace we so desire, but can become, instead, the means to it."

One. Two.

Two things tonight:

1. I may take a while to make a decision, but once I make it, it's on. I plow forward like nobody's business. I do this with clothes shopping, apartment decorating, college decision, job choice, boyfriend issues, etc. I was worried tonight that I had done something too quickly, but actually I waited for 12 hours and as Melissa pointed out, "That's just the way you do things once you make a decision." How can I be anything but what I am in this moment?

2. I busted it in my apartment tonight. I was getting up off of the couch and somehow my foot got tangled in the couch cover and I moved forward with my upper body and my lower body stayed still and I went flat on the ground. And, it's funny, because as I was falling, I was not worried about the fact that the foot that was caught was the one with the ankle I broke less than a year ago. No, I was worried about the fact that one of my favorite tea mugs had gone flying out of my hand and across the room. However, never fear, the mug is fine and I have hard wood floor burns on my knee and shin and foot. Very attractive and very painful. It was funny though. The home is a dangerous place. No one ever warns us about the dangers of the home. Consider yourself warned.

another kitty

more animals

no way around it

As I get older, it seems that time passes more quickly. I remember just months ago when I was in school and had days filled with nothing but class and then chill time with some studies mixed in. Now, my weekends fly by and I long for more time to read and journal and paint. However, I did just spend about 8 hours in front of the television, so I guess I had more time than I thought...I just watched Alabama win and Auburn lose to Vandy. Although I claim to be an Auburn fan (I am definitely NOT an Alabama fan), it was fun to watch the Comodores win. I am from Nashville and it's always fun to root for the home team and I always love to see a solid underdog take the lead. Plus, Vandy hasn't been 5-0 since 1943 people. That's big time. Then, we watch the Bourne Ultimatum, an excellent end to the trilogy. So, I guess it's about time for some intellectual stimulation after morphing into the couch cushions for so many hours.

On Friday, we had random drug screens at work. Thankfully, I didn't sweat it too much and hopefully, I passed with flying colors. However, I would like to make note of a few things. There is nothing more awkward than (a) peeing in a cup and (b) walking down the hall carrying your own pee in a cup and (c) handing that cup of warm pee to a complete stranger and then (d) standing there helplessly while they take down your name and seal up the pee and ask you to sign your name claiming your own cup of pee. I mean, really, what a terrible idea. And what a terrible job. There were two people just collecting pee and labeling it all day. I am so glad I stayed in school.

I am not a huge holiday person. I don't do tons of decorations. However, I did buy three baby pumpkins at the store on Friday night. I guess it helped me recover from the pee incident. Plus, I like 'cute' decorations.