Yes, I can do this.

I have come to hate the question, "Do you think you can do this?" in reference to my job as a social work. Yes, I can do this. Yes, I love what I do. I consider it an honor to be involved and invited into people's lives at the rawest, most painful moments, the most vulnerable places. Yes, I can do this. However, I cannot do this without it affecting me. I have suddenly entered a world where in one day, today I spoke to two individuals who had overdosed (wanting to die) and had conversations with their families. I watched as one of the patients I have been following was sent home with hospice. I listened to a girl talk about her best friend who had overdosed and died on heroine. I listened to a man talk about his wife and 7 month old son who were killed in a car accident. I listened to a woman talk about her fiance who took his own life. She still wears her engagement ring. I listen to these things. I ache for these people and the pain of humanity. Yes, I want to do this. Yes, I can do this. Please stop asking me that. Please sit and listen to these stories and tell me that you would not also be affected.

flat as Jackson, MS

I am currently writing my 100th blog entry. It seems appropriate then, that I finally figured out where the title of my blog comes from. "So it is" is a line from the song, Blower's Daughter, by Damien Rice. I love that song. The cello in it is amazing and moving. (I used to play the cello. I still have my cello actually. It's only slightly larger than a guitar because I was little when I played.) A friend was going through my iTunes the other day and put that song on. I stopped in my tracks and thought, 'that's my blog!' I know, I know, it seems strange perhaps, but the brain is a funny thing. A memory of that song created the title, then the memory was tucked away somewhere, only to be aroused when I heard the song. I've always found the memory interesting. Why can I remember some things in such detail while other things slip away? Why do I suddenly remember something I had forgotten to take to school when I am already 20 minutes down the road? Why do I suddenly forget my best friend's name when I am introducing her to another friend? Why does a particular scent or three notes of a song take me immediately back to a certain moment in my life?

I'm currently reading 'The World is Flat' by Thomas Friedman. I'm right in the middle of reading about the uploading/blogging/podcast phenomenon. I am a part of the globalization process. It is interesting that I am sitting on my bed typing away on my apple laptop, posting the entry, and what I think (right, wrong, or indifferent) is accessible around the globe. That is unbelievable. I remember in 10th grade, my Spanish teacher wrote a website site on the chalkboard and I thought, 'what the heck is that?' Now, I have my own personal website, friends I email all over the globe, and I talk over the computer via skype. Not to mention the little device that is a computer, calculator, alarm clock, camera, phone, iPod, and calendar all-in-one, popularly known as an iPhone, that is lying next to me on the bed.

It's funny to me that I can call someone on their cell phone and not have any idea about their actual physical location. The number stays the same, yet the location may change. My cell worked from Honduras, people! Yes, it was expensive, but it worked!

I'm convinced the world is flat. But, I need to keep reading anyway...

three cheers

My ankle is healed. Ahhhhh! I biked this morning for an hour. My little legs were so excited to be spinning again. Excited and exhausted. I cannot even tell you how out of shape my left leg is. It has been dragged along hundreds of laps in the swimming pool. I've become quite a champ at swimming without kicking the left foot. I don't have to wear the boot any more. I can walk, wear cute outfits, go dancing, biking, exercise freely, I am so excited, I can barely stand it. My whole left foot is really sore though. My little toes just keep stretching, getting some air. I can't even stand to put on socks because my foot is so excited to be free. I love it. I won't be running again quite yet or wearing heels. I'm going let my ankle gain strength and mobility first. But, hell's bells, life is good. This and the fact that I slept 12 hours last night. Kid you not. I went to bed at 8:30pm and woke up at 8:30am. Never woke up, never went to the bathroom, nada. Just sleeping and dreaming. I'm feeling pretty good today. I guess this is why 2 year olds have so much energy after sleeping for half a day.
I'm at my parents' house for the weekend. It's funny that I was so ready to leave as a teenager and now, it's such a nice retreat out of my normal life. I just went and watched my Dad while he was napping. He's getting older. I don't like that, not one bit. But, he's still handsome. And his sixty-five years have made him wise and silly and fun. And then, there's momma in the kitchen putting together the "perfect" birthday party for my nephew, William. My mom does not NOT throw a good party. There will be good food, there will be fun people, and the house will look amazing. While I appreciate her parties, it's probably why I'm the most relaxed entertainer ever. My friends know to show up, grab a seat on the floor, and enjoy some food and good conversation. I'm thankful for my parents and I'm proud of who I have become with their help. I'm glad that I have some of their tendencies and I'm glad that I'm my own independent, crazy spirit. I think growing up is a good thing. I'm glad to be 25 whole years old. I hope I get lots more and I hope to appreciate what I get.

Sometimes I want to ask my parents if they're happy with the life they ended up with. But, I never ask. Maybe because I'm afraid they'll say no. Maybe because I'm afraid they'll feel obligated to say of course. Of maybe because it doesn't matter. Life is never what we expect and I'm okay with that. Grateful even.

rainbow sherbet

What I'm learning lately:
1. The sicker or stranger the patient, the more interesting he/she is to work with.
2. People lie, a lot.
3. There is more grief and pain in this world than I had ever imagined. I now deal with several overdose patients a week. It is heartbreaking to watch someone feel hopeless or worthless.
4. Anger can be a very good thing.
5. It's a hard thing to figure out how to let past hurts work for the good now and not just keep hurting.
6. I miss my family.
7. The more I take care of other people, the more difficult it is to stay focused on taking care of myself first. There are so many hurting people, that I tend to neglect sleep or exercise or journaling for the sake of others. It's a tough balance I'm trying to figure out.
8. I often have to put aside all the "professional" things I learned in social work classes and follow my instinct. For example, I doubt my classes would endorse sitting indian style on the floor with a client. However, it amazed me how sitting on the floor and listening to music helped open up a thirteen year old girl who was by no means going to talk to me in a formal setting. People are different. Needs are different. I'm trying to be as flexible as possible.
9. At the end of the day, at the end of hearing so many stories, I need someone to listen to me.
10. It is difficult to be a student. I want to know everything now. I want to be an autonomous social worker right now. I'm tired of learning, of messing up, of trying again, of getting the hang of things. I've been in school for almost 19 years and it's time to be done.
11. It's strange how much stress affects the physical body.
12. I pray, a lot, for wisdom.

At least

I am amazed at how quickly the days are passing. I love my internship. I love going to work each morning. Isn't that crazy!? I think that at my age, a lot of people are searching for their niche, for answers, for their life partner. I feel like I'm finding my job answer. I enjoy being a social worker. It breaks my heart, it overwhelms me, it angers me, it gives me hope, it brings me healing, and it is my contribution to humanity. I feel blessed to wake up each day and go to a job that I actually enjoy. I think some people never find that in life. For months, I've been looking around, a bit jealous at the people who have already found their life buddy. But, now I realize that my path is not lacking, it is simply different. And I am finding something that other people long for.

Yesterday, I went to another wheelchair basketball tournament. It is amazing to watch. And yesterday, I watched a guy play basketball with no legs and no hands. Most of the players are confined to a wheelchair but still have the use of their hands to guide their chairs and throw and catch the ball. This guy did everything with no hands. He caught the ball, scored baskets, threw the ball, raced his wheelchair down the court. It was strange to watch someone make the other disabled people seem less disabled. Because at least they have hands. And yet, I complain about this ankle of mine that's been broken for two months. At least it will heal.