three's company

Oh my goodness, I've forgotten to tell the best story from Detroit! Okay, so Amy and I return to her house one afternoon to the scene of two neighbors having a heated discussion. Apparently, Chico, one of the neighbor's dogs, had killed the other neighbor's cat. Sure enough, there scampered Chico with a chunk of white fur and blood hanging from his mouth. I kid you not. There was a chunk of fur. Chico wasn't playing around with that cat. So, Chico's owner leaves the discussion and is trying to coax Chico back to her house. Amy and I quit watching and start up the stairs when, screeeeeeeeech, bam. Yep, chico was crossing back to his home for a nap after his tasty meal, now he lies dead on the side of the road and the car has already moved on. After that, Amy couldn't watch and I just couldn't stop watching. It's like in a scary movie when you cover your eyes with your hands and then peek through your fingers. So, the shovel comes out and chico disappears. Cat dead. Dog dead. Two down and one to go. So, Amy and I go about our business when I hear Amy scream from the living room. What has she found? A dead mouse. Cat dead. Dog dead. Mouse dead. Tread carefully.

roast marshmallows

I got back yesterday from Detroit. I went out last night in flip flops and a little hoodie. It was chilly here, but nothing compared to the chill of Detroit. I was so glad to let my little toes breathe after having them wrapped so tight in boot socks for 4 days. However, that was last night. Interesting fact, there is no heat right now in my social work building at Alabama. You see, there is some obscure policy that in order to switch the units from air to heat, the weather has to be below freezing for three consecutive nights in a row. Apparently, we haven't achieved that yet, so we are cold. I was using my warmed up lean cuisine to warm up my hands and top of my legs during lunch. I know it's not how it works, but it really hacks me off that Mr. Mike Shula, who didn't quite pull through as the "savior" for the roll tide, makes millions, yet my building is falling apart and we don't even have freakin' heat. I wish I could rearrange priorities. I'd put education waaaaayyyyy above sports. (p.s. bear is dead and has been for years.)

two by two

I'm sitting here cozy in my bed with my laptop propped up in my lap. I've just had a bedtime snack of my choosing and I'm about to hit the sack. Yet, as I enjoy the simple luxuries of living, I am reminded of the hundreds of homeless men and women who came through the lunch line at the Noah Project in Detroit on Monday. Amy helps coordinate the project and I helped out with lunch that day. As I looked in their faces, I was reminded that we are not so different. I could be one of them, a homeless woman. They could be me. A slight change in circumstance, a disappearance of abuse or drugs or money problems, a second or third or millionth chance and it could be different. One man asked if I had a good holiday. I told him that I did and asked about his. He replied, "It was fine. I mean, I'm homeless, but things could be worse." I wanted to cry out, "how could it be worse!? How?" Instead, I gave him a smile along with a packets of mayonnaise and mustard for his sandwich. Last time I mentioned thanks, I wrote about hobbies and friends and little joys. But tonight, I'm thankful for a man who reminded me to be thankful for basic things, things I take totally, absolutely for granted. So tonight, I am so grateful for a warm place to sleep. I'm thankful for access to clean, running water and a toilet. I'm thankful for a phone and place to receive mail at a permanent mailing address. I'm thankful for healthy food of my choosing. I'm thankful for access to knowledge through school and books and the internet. I'm thankful for access to good medical care. I'm thankful for a clean toothbrush and straight teeth. I'm thankful for clean clothes and a washer/dryer. I'm thankful for options and back-up plans and family support and forgiveness for my mistakes and hope for the future. I'm thankful to know Jesus, my only answer in this crazy world. So, tonight after 9 long hours of class and 2 hours of driving that I honestly comlain about every Wednesday evening, I ask a pardon for all the blessings I take for granted as if I have a right to my life.

feels like home to me

I have created a wonderful home for myself in Birmingham. I love the city, I enjoy running into people I know, I love walking at Jemison Trail and Aldridge Gardens. I like knowing the restaurants and where to go dancing. Birmingham is what I mean when I say "home." Yet, I have discovered with joy that there are other places that feel like home to me. I'm sitting on Amy's couch in Detroit, MI at this very moment. I've visited Amy once a year since she moved here, so this is probably my fourth visit. And this place feels like home. Amy and I have a very close friendship, one where silence is as comfortable as laughter. I know the members of her church and help her throw birthday parties for her friends. It's as comfortable here as being at home. And whenever I visit Warren and Jackie in Utah, I just mesh right into their family. I am known there and loved. I just called Mike (it's his eighth birthday) and listened with secret joy as the nephews argued over who was gonna talk to Aunt Alison. And of course, when I visit my parents, I am home. Over Thanksgiving, I got to spend a bit of time in the house while my parents were out. I wandered around looking at the pictures of people I love, those alive and those who have passed away. I looked at the trinkets that represent so many trips and memories. I play a few hymns on the grand piano that I have cherished, even as a child. I smile as I see a note that my mother has found and put on her bulletin board, a note I wrote to my parents 7 years ago. And then, there's Melissa's apartment where I have cooked countless meals and watched way too many episodes of American Idol. And Natalie's apartment, where we returned after hours of dancing at the blues club and played games with her friends. And I suppose I could go on. But, I am grateful to know that so many places feel like home. And I am grateful to know that it has nothing to do with the place, only with the people. People that I cherish and find such delight in. It is good to be known. It is good to be loved. I am grateful.

don't blink

An elderly couple lives across the street from Claire and me. On pretty days, the old man sits in a lawn chair in the front yard and chills out. As I was headed out to Nashville on Tuesday, the man was getting settled in his chair and his little wife was rubbing sunscreen on his arms. I was running late, but figured a few minutes of interaction would be more worthwhile than worrying about hurrying. So, I wandered across the street to say hello and wish the old man a happy thanksgiving. He made sure I would be returning from Nashville and then asked, "Do you have a boyfriend?"
I replied, "No sir, I don't."
"Well, I sure wish I wasn't married. I'd be your boyfriend in a second!"
"I'd love that. Happy Thanksgiving."

Yesterday, I was walking around Radnor Lake, which is about 2 miles from my parents' home. It's my absolute favorite place to walk and yesterday was no exception. The trail was covered in yellow leaves. There were places where I couldn't even see the trail, just followed it through habit. And then, in this one clearing hundreds of yellow leaves were swirling through the air on the way to cover the ground. The lady walking near me said, "look, it's snowing leaves!" Indeed, it did look like a swirling snowstorm.

Yesterday, (later in the day)I was trying on a pair of shoes at the store and this crazy cute toddler just wandered over and put his hands in my lap and started climbing up. He had on a little Thanksgiving outfit and curly hair. I loved it and the mother was a bit embarrassed and said he doesn't normally do that with strangers.

Perhaps my thought in this entry is that I have such delightful tiny interactions with strangers and it saddens me that our world is becoming an increasingly dangerous place. Because I believe that most people are good and then the ones that are bad ruin it for the rest. Because I like meeting new people without fear and I like a toddler's ability to make new friends with such ease and I would love to help the woman on the side of the road with the broken down car. I'll be glad for heaven when it comes.

Yet, I know that we are all human and we all make choices. I have lied before, I have made bad choices. I wonder if we are all capable of evil. I wonder if I am capable of evil. I wonder what leads us to make the choices that we do, for better or worse.

lessons from an aunt

As William climbed into my jeep this evening to go to dinner, he asked, "what kind of car is this?"
"A jeep," I replied.
He quickly stated, "Jeeps are soooooo cool."
To myself, I know, I know.

Lessons learned:
1. We started our evening with a meal at cheeseburger charlie's.
lesson #1: never give a child the milkshake before the meal. or just don't order the meal and be done with it.
2. We next had bathtime.
lesson #2: always say yes when the kids want to put on their bathing suits and goggles and put their faces into three inches of water to find the eight coins you dug out of your wallet and dropped in the water while they impatiently closed their eyes and listened to where the splash occurred. this activity can last for a good fifteen/twenty minutes
3. We continued the evening with hot chocolate and story time.
lesson #3: never underestimate the power of marshmallows and curious george.
4. We finally headed to bed.
lesson #4: no matter how many times the child had selective hearing or a forgetful memory, the little "i wuv you, aunt alison" will always work.

live like you were dying...thank you, Tim McGraw

Once when I was very young my mother told me that she would die for me. I remember thinking that was so weird. I may have even told her that I would rather that she be alive. But, I understand her now. And it's a gift to understand what it means to love someone so much, so intensely, that I would give up breathe and life for him or her. I feel like I write and think and talk about love a lot. And I so wish that our English language had different words for different kinds of love. Because I frequently talk about my love for mangos or dancing or painting or water gun fights. But, that's different than the kind of love I am discovering in the Lord which is different still from the love that I have for my parents and the other love I have for my nephews. And there is another yet for my friends and still another for romance. And this past year has been full of growth and new understanding in various kinds of love. I had the realization this morning that I have, four months later, a certain amount of gratitude for the hardship I faced this summer during a break-up. As everyone knows who has walked (or crawled) down the path towards emotional healing, it can be an excruciating journey filled with sudden surprises of happiness and new discoveries and a renewed and rediscovered sense of self. Perhaps that's what I meant when I wrote 'being brave' on my list of things I'm thankful for.
And as I look forward to the next three days with my family, I am so thankful. We have walked through some flames as a family and come out communicating better for the most part. It produces a nice ache in my heart just thinking about how much my parents love me. I don't think I'll understand it until I have a child of my own (maybe, some day, we'll see). I grasp it better now with my nephews, but I can tell it's not the same. Tomorrow I get to see William and Hayden. I can't wait to hold them and tickle their little tummies and read to them and have those hilarious conversations. I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm thankful for my family whose love I cannot lose and didn't chose and we're stuck together and I'm just so glad.

give thanks always

I want to trust in God's timing, in his plan, in his purpose. I want to rest in who he created me to be.

The past weekend has been so full. It started at a table surrounded by dear friends and yummy food. They indulged me by saying what they are thankful for. And as I've moved through this weekend, I have so often thought of what I am thankful for. So, here's a start...
The fall leaves. I believe they are more beautiful this year than ever before. I have seen flaming red trees, brighter than I ever could have imagined. And there are lots of my favorites: trees that are half green and half another color. I do like to look at the process of things. And now I have a big pile of crunchy leaves on my bedside table.
Cooking. There's something fun about being in the kitchen cooking a meal, having a recipe, starting to follow it, and then just throwing in whatever else sounds interesting, smelling it, and then the freedom and enjoyment of sharing it with others.
Dancing. Again, there is really nothing as enjoyable. Especially with a twirly dress.
Brigid. As always, she is a delight. Today, we picked out our necklaces. We each have a heart necklace. Hers says 'lil sis' and mine says 'big sis.' She pulls me out of myself and helps me be more generous and kind and concerned.
Painting. I finished a painting this past week. I am so proud of it. I'm getting better. The colors of the lily just dance. And I already have another request. A peony. I love painting off of a photograph and the photo I've got to work with is stunning. Bring it.
Friends. Growing up brings such joy and heartache and struggle. But, one of the most beautiful changes about growing up for me is the change in relationships. They have such depth now, such realness.
Meeting new people.
Daily phone conversations with my Dad.
McDonald's soft serve ice cream.
New music.
Clean laundry.
Fall weather.
Anticipating fun events: i.e. visiting Amy Brown in Detroit! woohoooooooooo!
Taking pictures to capture events.
Fall pears and apples and oranges.
Biking.
Being brave.

smile!

Today, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Literally, Luke was barking like a madman at 5:45am after Claire left for work. Usually, he doesn't remember that I'm upstairs in the bed so he just hangs out in the backyard until I make noise in the kitchen and then he is reminded of my existence and barks to get in. But, today, he knew I was upstairs deep in slumber and was ready to see me. So, Luke's barking and I jumped out of bed on the other side than normal and went to wave my pointer finger in Luke's face. I leave him outside and go back to bed. Barking. A lot of barking. I storm back downstairs and wave my finger in his face a second time. Back in bed. Ah sweet silence, eeeerrrrhhh eeerrrrhhhh eeerrrrhhh, already time to get up?
So, since I was already kind of moody, I started thinking of things that irritate me. Probably not a great way to improve one's mood, but sometimes it's interesting to be pessimistic for a change. So, here's my list:
1. Houses on the highway. It never fails that a house is being carted on 20/59 towards Tuscaloosa. And the house takes up both lanes of traffic and does a frightening little sway that makes it difficult to get up the nerve to pass. And of course, to top it off, the little truck is always following behind with the 'oversize load' sign on the back. As if the enormous house meandering down the road didn't already catch my attention. Driving that ridiculous little truck behind an oversize load would have to be in my list of top ten worst jobs in the world.
2. Luke barking at 5:45 am. Still upset about that apparently.
3. Radio DJs talking in the morning instead of playing music. The last time I want to hear people chatting and laughing hysterically at their own jokes is in the morning. I want music and a sense of calm.
4. Cooking shows in the morning. This morning as I'm sitting in the student health center, Good Morning America (I think that's the show) is doing a cooking demonstration. Not of waffles and fruit or french toast. Nope, some kind of meat and vegetables. Made me kind of sick thata early in the morning.
5. What's worse than a political debate? Two politicians talking at the same time while apparently having a debate. How can you debate something when you can't even hear the other point of view?

Okay, that's all I came up with. I'm sure that are other things. But, that's enough of that.

On a happier note (I can't help myself), I did see a trailer filled with flats of pansies this morning. All those colors were just waving in the wind. My grandmother used to tell me that the black part in the middle of the pansy was a face and they were all smiling at me. I don't ever see a pansy without thinking of my grandmother.

And one time when I was little, my brother, Warren, was teasing me about something and called me a pansy. I replied, "Oh yeah, well, you're a sunflower." He burst out laughing while I just stood there waiting to find out what made a pansy different from any other flower. Ohhhhh.

Going Going Gone

It is interesting to me that I spend and earn money constantly, yet I rarely actually see or touch or feel or smell money. Process: Babysit. Get a check for babysitting. Deposit money in checking and savings. See money pop up on my online banking statment. Pay for dinner with a debit card. Watch my savings earn $.03 in interest. Write a check for tithe. Babysit. (Study so I can get a real job in the near future.) And so on. End of process. Notice that never once did I actually hold a dollar bill or a coin in my little hand. So, money exists in an abstract way.

I have to brag for just a second. I went car shopping today. BY MYSELF. It wasn't bad. Actually, it was kind of fun to speak totally for myself. Normally, I let my father or brother speak up for me on car issues. But, notebook in hand, I marched into three dealerships, stated my wants and needs, and looked at lots of cars. The first salesman was well, such a salesman. Annoyingly so. The moon came included in the deal if I just signed on the dotted line and handed over my credit card. The second salesman didn't know a thing about cars. I kid you not. He knew more about the colors than if a car had four wheel drive. Peace out dude. And then, ahh, the jeep dealership. A man my father's age showed me around and knew more about jeeps than I could ever even want to know. And let's be real, I love a jeep. And if I was a true jeep enthusiast, the brochure let me know that there is a jeep camp and lots of jeep gear to be bought. Maybe a gym bag....

A conversation I forgot to mention that William and I had the morning before I left two weekends ago:

W: Alison, are you going to stay and take care of us?
A: No, honey, I have to go back to school.
W: School!? Don't be silly. Grown-ups don't go to school!
A: Well, actually they do. School just stops being fun.
W: Oh. Well, who's your favorite teacher?
A: Umm, I guess Ms. Terrell.
W: Ms. Terrell. I bet she's soooo nice.

whole/hole, their/there, two/too/to

There are times when I simply want a moment's reprise from the endless thoughts and analyzing that my brain puts forth. And I have to wonder about my dreams lately. They are filled with familiar faces in strange scenes and endless ideas. I wake up exhausted. I have that churning feeling. Like everything is dug up and moving around and I'm fully aware of all my emotions, yet I don't know what to do with them. All these memories and and feelings are here and I'm not sure how to deal with everything and then file it away. So, I guess I'll go against my natural tendency towards order and just let things be. Elizabeth Gilbert writes, "Grief and nuisance are inevitable in this life, but if you can plant yourself in stillness long enough, you will, in time, experience the truth that everything (both uncomforable and lovely) does eventually pass." And, I would hope to add, resolve. Everything eventually does pass and resolve.
I was thinking today as I was walking Luke that I would love a buddy. I have reached that point in life where the desire for the company of 'my man' is present. I think it's natural at age 25 to think that it would be nice to have someone to share the beauty of a sunset in autumn with. And yet, I don't want to go around thinking that something is missing either. I want to be a whole person regardless. I felt whole today as I worked on a painting for my parents. I felt whole as I finished a test for psychopathology, a class that I am extremely interested in. I felt whole as I ate soup after getting chilled on my walk with Luke. I feel like a whole person. And someday, I hope to share a whole me with someone else. But, for now, I'll just be whole.

Touchdowns

Sam (8 years old) came down for church this morning dressed in shorts. I really didn't mind. The kid loves wearing shorts and as long as he wasn't going to argue about going to church, I certainly wasn't going to argue over a pair of shorts vs. a pair of pants. However, I gathered that he's not supposed to wear shorts based on his immediate response to seeing me.
"Well, Alison, I should get to wear shorts because it's the same as what you're wearing. Your dress only comes down to your knees. So, basically, it's like you're wearing shorts." I had to laugh. My hope for him is to know a living God, not a dress code. We got in the car.

This afternoon I played football with Sam and his neighbor friend. I must say, I was pretty proud to hear Sam announce to his friend, "Alison can throw a spiral." Yessssss. I got to play quarterback for both teams, thank you very much.

It's strange to see how differently children grow up. Just in terms of money, even. Brigid is concerned about how much everything costs. She is aware of money. She doesn't ask for chips with her sandwich without asking my permission first. And then, there's Sam. He's grown up with everything. He throws away a half-eaten icecream cone without a second thought. Sam drinks bottled water. And neither child is bad or wrong, just different. I get to spend a fair amount of time with children from different families. My nephews, Brigid, Sam, Charlie. It's like getting to be a life-size fly on the wall. I get to observe these families and how they interact. I get to see the values instilled and the routines. I like observing.

stainglass

This morning as I entered Independent Presbyterian Church with Sam and Charlie, I gasped. I have never felt the presence of the Lord that strongly before. Let me back up, I read somewhere recently that one can experience God through all five senses. That God can not only be heard and seen, he can be tasted and smelled and touched. I love that. It allows me to allow God to be bigger. Perhaps if God created all things, then he is in all things, and can be experienced in things that we never imagined possible. It helps me look for God. I think God is in the beauty of this fall weather. I think he's in the hot tea I savor each morning. He's in the faces of my nephews. He's the presence in my soul that holds me fast.
So, this morning. I walked into a sanctuary filled with sunlight streaming through the stainglass windows and music pouring out of the organ. I felt as though I'd walked into the Lord's kitchen because my immediate feeling was that I was home, yet at such a sacred place that it would not have been bizarre to remove my heels. Something about the beauty of the day and Sam's crazy hair and the multitude of light and music, I could see God everywhere. And strangely, it produced such an ache, a sadness, that my eyes welled up with tears. Have you ever witnessed such beauty, such love and emotion, that it hurts? Produces a certain crazy sadness that is even when it seems that it shouldn't be? Surprised by joy. Surprised by sadness.

musings at 11:22pm

So, I'm babysitting this weekend. It's strange to suddenly be in charge of two children, two dogs, a cat, a fish, and a house. Normally, I just go about my merry way and take care of myself and my few possessions. It's strange to sit here proped up in a bed in someone else's big house. I just observed my surroundings. I am in a beautiful house filled with beautiful things. I wonder if I'll ever have a house. One that I own. Probably. Right now, I have some furniture, a TV, a computer, an IPOD, a car, a mattress, pots and pans, books, photos, a phone, clothes, too many shoes, jewelry...I already have a lot of stuff. Actually, the other night I had to laugh as I plugged in my computer, phone, camera, and IPOD. Is that normal? We live in a strange world.

Well, I have a confession. I'm actually looking forward to Christmas this year. Sometimes I just don't really get into Christmas. (The month long holiday with obligatory gifts, family outings, hugh meals, repetitive music....plus December has always meant exams) I don't know why but I was excited to see the lights up at the Summit and hear the first strain of a Christmas carol. Normally, I get kind of bent out of shape at dealing with Christmas before Thanksgiving. I've already started thinking about Christmas presents. I want to make applesauce and cut down my own Christmas tree and have my annual cookie decorating party. Maybe it's just the fact that we'll all be together on Christmas this year. (by all I mean the Downs clan of 11). You see, Christmas day in my family has varied a bit. With dad being a doctor, sometimes he had to work on Christmas, so we would just work around his schedule. And then the brothers ran off and got married, so I had to learn how to share on the holidays. But this year, I get everyone again. I like that. Because, as much as some family members just drive me bonkers, they're family. I'm getting so dang sentimental.

One interesting story before bed. Question: What is the normal speed limit in a neighborhood? Around 35 right? So, I was cruising down Brigid's street Friday night taking her home, when woowooowoo-blue flashes-woowooowooowooo. Bummer. I pull over, hand the cop my license and wait to find out what I did wrong. Apparently I was going 38. Okay, a ticket for 3 miles over? Oh no, the speed limit right there is 20 mph. You heard me. Count it by 5's...5, 10, 15, 20. Oh dear, so 18 mph over the speed limit is reckless driving. Wouldn't that be a fabulous story. Oh, yeah, I got a ticket for reckless driving. How fast were you going? Oh, a strong 38 with my 'little sister' in the car. Thankfully, the cop came back with a bright yellow warning! Yea!! I'd like to say it's because I'm so cute, he just couldn't give me a ticket, but I doubt the deer-in-headlights look is that attractive.

is

I've never posted a facebook status. However, I've always been interested by the fact there is an 'is.' Alison is...(studying, eating, sleeping, driving, playing, dancing...). Today, I thought about putting up simply 'Alison is.' Like Alison exists. Currently she is alive and breathing and she is Alison. No one else. Nothing more. Nothing less. It reminds me of one of my favorite things in the Bible. I love when God says 'I am.' God exists. He is alive and moving and real. No one else is God. God is. Simplicity at its best: all-encompassing.

sunflowers

A new whole foods market has opened up in Nashville. Jennifer (my sister-in-law) and I wandered in and a few seconds later she said, "Alison, what are you doing?" You see, we had entered by the flowers and the beauty and smell just took me in. When she said that I realized I was standing in there with my arms wide open and a huge smile on my face. I'm sure I looked like a goober, but it was wonderful to get lost like that in something so beautiful.

And yes, because Melissa mentioned that this should go in the blog, I will tell about my reaction in the car. I was cruising home to Birmingham from Nashville when I started to hear a weird noise coming from the engine. So, what was my reaction? To turn the music up a little bit. I was just hoping that the noise would go away! Alas, it only got louder and then water started spraying out from under the hood and the wheel started locking up, so I had to pull over at a rest stop. I proceeded to wait two hours and then have my beautiful jeep towed the rest of the way to Birmingham. Then to the service station, then to Enterprise rent-a-car. Sad day. The jeep is sick and has been for several months. I've started looking at new cars. I'm looking for an excellent, very cool car with four wheel drive and great gas mileage. Oh yes, also brand new and cheap. If anyone happens across this car, I'm sure you'll buy it for yourself, but if not, give me a call. And don't tell the jeep we might be calling it quits.

my boys

I spent time this past weekend with Hayden and William. As always, it was a delight. There will never be anything like ringing the doorbell and hearing two little sets of feet come racing toward the door mixed with cries of "Aunt Alison's here! Hurry!"

Sample conversations:
On Sunday morning we were enjoying a pancake breakfast when a pesky fly starting swirling around the table. Hayden quickly covers his food and then tells Jennifer, "Mom, we need to get a spider for the house. The spider needs to eat that fly. That fly needs to get dead." Get dead. I kid you not.

Later that morning, Hayden, William, and I were pretending. It's so nice to pretend. We were all crammed into the Thomas the Train tent pretending like we were camping and hearing scary noises. Hayden made a low monster noise and I pretended to be really scared. Sweet William put his hands on my arm and said, It's okay, Aunt Alison, it's just pretend. There's no such thing as monsters." How sweet is that?

And to hear those boys pray before meals. It just makes my heart sing. They saw the sweetest, most genuine, inspiring things. Who needs church?!

Last night Hayden politely asked if he could wake me up this morning. Of course! I expected the normal scene of a nephew flying through the air landing on a sleeping Aunt. But not Hayden. He snuck in, put his little hand on my cheek, and whispered, "Aunt Alison, good morning. It's time to get up. The sweet rolls are in the oven." Once I opened my eyes, he dove into my arms.

Ah yes, one more scenario. Brad and I took the boys downtown to the Race for the Cure 5K. Brad was helping man the medical booth and the boys and I just wandered around. Which by the way, if you ever need an activity for kids, sign up or take them to a 5K. There were tons of people, free snacks, lots of action. It was great. Anyway, the boys and I were sitting on the curb cheering for the runners when Hayden pipes up (quite loudly), "Look at that runner, she is soooooo slow!" The funny thing about kids is that they are only stating what is obvious to them. Hayden was in no way trying to be rude or mean. She was a slow runner by comparison and mentioned it out loud.

There is really nothing better for my soul and my spirit than these boys. They encourage me, love without restriction, engage life with intensity, and are delightful companions.

I've really been blessed with such wonderful males in my family. It's pretty obvious that I adore my father. Both of my brothers are trying to hook me up with jobs near them. And my four nephews have my heart.

counting down

One of the last times I hung out with Brigid, we were riding in the car together listening to country music. She said, "Alison, why does everyone sing about ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends?" I thought to myself, oh just wait, Brigid, just wait until that first or second or third heartbreak. Just wait. You'll be singing a sad song too.
At this point in life, I've been the one left in the relationship and the one to leave the relationship. There's no good way to break up. Both sides suck, everyone gets hurt. But, what I've noticed is that most, if not all, of the sad songs are from the person who got left. I'd like a terribly lonesome song from the person who leaves. Because that side hurts too. Feelings happen or things change or something goes awry or a million other reasons and you know it's time to let go. But, that doesn't mean that everything is just guns and roses. I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes you make a choice because you know in the wellspring of your heart that its the right choice, but it's still hard and the consequences of that right choice don't always feel right.
I had a conversation with a friend the other day and we were talking about our 'back-up plan.' (I had one with my friend, Richard and he had one with his high school friend.) You know, the person who you agree to marry if you haven't married someone else by that time. I realized that my back-up plan and I agreed to age thirty! Now, we did this in high school at about age 16 so 30 was double the time. But, oh gosh, now I'm 25 and that's just 5 more years. Maybe we'll back that deadline up a little bit. Regardless, my friend and I agreed to be the 50 year-old back-up plan together. He did put a contingency on the plan that I still look good in blue jeans, so I've got to stay in shape for at least 25 more years.
Ah, the subject of love and relationships. I wonder if that will be the topic I hear about most when I'm a therapist. I bet money it will.

Oscar the Grouch

My favorite event in my neighborhood is trash pick-up. On Wednesday night, I pull the trashcan out to the road and observe how each little townhouse has its trashcan neatly lined up by the mailbox. Then, on Thursday morning when I go out to get the trashcan, the neighborhood looks like World War III. There are trashcans strewn everywhere, across the yards, in the street, upside down, sideways. I just love it. One morning I'm going to get up early enough to watch the trashmen fly through the neighborhood throwing trashcans around with glee. One morning.

I've discovered lately that I actually enjoy driving down to Tuscaloosa. Crazy, right!? I don't enjoy the ride home because I'm usually just hungry and tired and sick of watching the gas gauge go from full to empty. But, oh, the drive down to Tuscaloosa is my friend. It's a forced time of stillness. How often am I really still (besides sleep)? Rarely, if ever. But, to sit in the car and watch the world come alive is quite beautiful. Especially right now as the leaves are changing colors and the rising sun melts away the fog and the birds are skeedadiling off somewhere else. It's my time to sit in silence and let my mind and self just be. Sometimes I feel really peepy and other times just sad. But, it's just me and my Savior. My favorite book is 'When the Heart Waits' by Sue Monk Kidd. It's basically about resting in the Lord and letting Him work. That's what faith feels like to me right now. It's resting in the Lord and knowing that He is at work. I don't see the signs and I don't understand the time frame and I'm really not always happy about the waiting process. But, as the world swirls around me, I plant my feet on my Rock and know that He will hold me fast. I believe that.