R-E-S-P-E-C-T

The past two nights I've gotten to dance. That makes for two wonderful evenings. On Friday night, Dad and I went downtown to BB Kings and boogied for a couple of hours. And last night, I had the priviledge of dancing on the top floor of the AT&T batman building in downtown Nashville to my favorite dance band of all time, Craig Duncan. And all the dancing fools were from First Baptist Nashville. Now, I have had the joy of dancing with my parents and their Sunday school friends for years. It always ends up being me and my best bud from growing up, Jennifer, and all the adults. There is one man named John who laughs louder than you would ever think possible and dances like a crazy chicken. I will hire him to dance at my wedding reception someday just to kick things off. Anyway, I just love dancing. Something happens to me and all the insecurities about my body that have plagued me for years just fall away and joy wells up and overflows. That may sound extreme, but it's true. I rarely love life as much as I do when I'm dancing. Someone asked me the other day when I discovered that I loved to dance. As far as I can tell it was when I was a toddler. It is recorded in my baby book that when I was still in diapers, my Mom went in the laundry room and I was standing next to the dryer moving my little tush back and forth to the rhythm of the machine. I guess that's when it started.

beep beep beep

I am so grateful for laughter. My journey lately consists of moments of joy, waves of sadness, and intense frustration. After the worst day of classes yet on Wednesday, I skipped class on Thursday, slept in, and ran some errands. I went to buy a printer at CompUSA. It was a riot. I asked for help picking out a printer that is compatible with Mac. (In matters of electronics, I don't pretend to not need help.) So, some dude named 'Art' is being paged and everyone keeps asking me if I'm the woman who is looking for Art. Apparently, yes, I'm looking for Art. Finally, this little grandmother-like woman named Gloria meanders up and says that she can help me. So, I tell her that I want a laser printer and off we go to the scanner aisle. At this point, I'm thinking maybe I don't need help. Until, she scratches her head and smiles and says, 'Now wait a second, honey, you said printer didn't you?' So, off we go to the printer aisle at last. Finally, we find an affordable printer that will sync up to a mac and I'm ready to get out of that store. And Gloria just walks away. I assume that she's going to get the printer (please Lord), so I wait. For about 10 minutes. And while I'm waiting a man walks out with a cart of purchases and the alarm goes off like crazy and all the employees just stand there and look at him and then I hear Gloria yelling 'Ms. Downs, I've got your printer!' as she wanders up and down the aisles looking for me. And right then, I just burst into glorious laughter. I mean, doubled over, joyful laughter at how fun and crazy our world is. And since that moment, I've been able to laugh more. My eyes have been opened once again to the beauty around me in spite of heartbreak and sadness and death and disease. Perhaps my joy is going deeper because the sadness has carved out more room.

Steffi

I just watched the opening show of the new bachelor....why? because Claire knows one of the girls on the show. I just want to say that I am embarassed. Embarassed that one and a half hours of my precious life was just wasted and embarassed for the poor people on that show. Thank goodness the office starts on Thursday night. I like having one quality show to watch a week.

my phone conversation with Ryan

A: Hey Ryan!
R: Hi.
A: How are you?!
R: Fine.
A: Whatcha doin?
R: Nascar
A: Watching nascar, that's cool. Who's winning?
R: yells, 'Mom!! Who's winning?' - pause- Dad's car's winning.
A: oh, cool.
What'd ya do today?
R: Went to a luau. There was rain and hail.
A: Really? Did you get hit?
R: by what?
A: The hail.
R: yep.
Drops the phone. Yells, 'Mom, I'm done talking!'
The End.
I love that kid.

and so it is

There are no shadows where there is no sunlight.

On Joy and Sorrow

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lue that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and other says, "Nay, sorror is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at you board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily ou are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
-Gibran

an ode

My jeep just reached 100,000 miles and I believe it deserves a moment. I am a bit attached to my 'baby jeep.' Now, that may sound strange, but stop a minute and think with me. I got this jeep in 1998 when I was in high school and it is now September of 2007. A lot has changed in my life over these years. I applied to colleges across the nation, ended up at Birmingham-Southern, graduated, got a job at a crazy restaurant, started grad school, moved a million times. Yet, this car has been there through it all. It has traveled the I-65 north and south more times than I can count. This car has carried hundreds of meals for 'meals on wheels.' This car has carried hundreds of pounds of food over the course of three years to First Light women's shelter. This car has been wrapped in toilet paper, care of my high school friends. This is the car I hydroplaned in. This is the car that's been nailed twice in the bumper (not my fault) and later nailed someone else's bumper (definitely my fault, damn 280 in traffic). This is the car in which I hit three of my four stationary objects. I still have a cassette tape from high school in the center console. I still have a high school sticker on the side window, yet no college or grad school stickers. This car is laden with crumbs from breakfasts eaten on the way to school and memories of the great conversations and adventures I have had with friends. It's my baby jeep. Thanks for going the distance.

the chitlins

This summer in Utah I went to church with my nephews. I really like sitting with them because they are allowed to have toys and coloring books during church. Sometimes I need help sitting still too. However, the funniest thing about church to me was the comment the lady always made at the end of the children's story. After the prayer, she always said, "Now boys and girls, please go quietly back to your seats since we are in God's house." I thought it was a strange comment each time. I understand that you don't want the kids going nuts necessarily and there is power and holiness in reverance. Yet, for some reason, I believe that the God I personally worship is a noise-loving, rambunctious God who delights in the authenticity of his children. I guess I just don't want my nephews to grow up knowing rules. I want them to grow up knowing God. A God who is alive and powerful and deeply in love with them, just their crazy, silly little selves. And I was reminded of this desire as I read the following line from Elizabeth Gilbert's 'Eat, Pray, Love.' "Be very careful not to get too obsessed with the repetition of religious ritual just for its own sake...Flexibilty is just as essential for divinity as is discipline." I long to be in love with Christ, not just my church. We serve a changing, unknown God. So, it would follow for me to be steadfast in my love for Him and comfortable in His plan that moves me along through a changing world and changing life.

20/59 south to Tuscaloosa

Today as I was driving to school, I saw a cop car out of my rear view mirror. So, as I learned in driving 101, I made sure I was going about 68 and let mister po po drive on past me. I was in the middle lane and he was in the fast lane. Now, I thought everyone knew that you never, EVER, drive faster than a policeman. Apparently not. Because next thing I knew I car flew up behind the policeman, who then moved to the middle lane to let the car past. The car kept on going until the policeman went back into the fast lane, turned on his lights, and pulled the poor sucker over. I wanted to feel sorry for him, but really, that was kind of pathetic.

with some skin on it

There are days when I am overwhelmed by the grief in this world. Yesterday, I listened to a dear friend talk about her devastingly painful divorce. Today, I listened to a friend describe an incidence of physical abuse to a child. Or the friend who's baby has suffered a severe brain injury. Or the friend who is about to give birth to a child with Edward's syndrome. I read about war and death and poverty and discrimination. And I don't have answers. I don't know the why's or how's. Sometimes I want to just gather up everyone I love and hold on tight.

But, then I glimpse these moments of beauty like the elderly woman and her son sitting in the sun rays at Aldridge Gardens today or hearing my own laughter and having a short moment of embarassment at how loud it was in the restaurant.
And I recognize that I love and hate this world. I love the beauty and delight and even the trials that make us wiser and stronger and more patient. And I am so thankful that we have each other. I have my Jesus, but I am ever grateful for the sound of my friends' laughter and the hugs from my parents and the smiles from my nephews. I believe these things are Jesus too.

malentendidos

Okay, one more post for the evening. I just read the following line out of my textbook on family therapy and now feel totally prepared for whatever lies ahead.
"Errors in professional judgment that should be avoided are the tnedencies (1) to see differences or commonalities when they are not there or (2) to not see differences or commonalities when they are present."
Ah yes, all clear now. Basically, just be a mind-reader, don't fuck up, and you'll be fine.

Last night I saw 'Balls of Fury.' It was truly a stupid movie. However, I was pleased to note that I understood the Spanish cuss words as well as the sexual joke they tried to make in Spanglish. So, those four years of college have really paid off.

Now, I'm not totally pessimistic about school. Please understand that I generally enjoy school and the learning process. There are just funny moments when I realize that what I got out of a class is probably not exactly what the teacher intended. Pero, vendejo, yo puedo entender las palabras importantes! Ciao!

Don't need seconds

Lately, I cannot seem to find the words for long prayers. My prayers are one sentence pleas repeated over and over. Thank goodness the Lord does not seem to tire of my repetitive words. Lately, all I can seem to say is "Lord, heal my heart." "Lord, please wrap me up." And "Lord, fill me up." I have no answers right now. In fact, I'm not sure that I ever did have any answers. But, the Lord has always answered my cries in such peculiar ways. Almost as if he's thinking about what I'm thinking He should or could do to help me out, then lets out a little chuckle and leads me down another path. Like the other day, it happened in the car. I was jamming out to a song and all of the sudden, I got a little glimpse of myself. Like a little idea of how cool God thinks I am. He likes my spirit and my spunk, he indulges my quick changing moods and moments of self-doubt, he created my talents. It was a beautiful moment when I felt the negative messages that sometimes run through my head scurry away and pure thoughts come in. And what I realized is that I am enough. And God is enough. So together we are enough. He is enough to fill me and wrap me up and heal me and lead me. He is enough. So, I want to wrap my arms around 'enough' and be satisfied and be whole and be healed and be loved.

pink panther

I just spent the weekend in Nashville. I really needed a dose of my nephews. They just do my spirit such good. I showed up at my brother's doorstep and rang the doorbell and within seconds I saw little eyes peek through the shades and then Hayden started screaming, "Aunt Alison's here!" Next thing I know, he is furiously trying to open the front door in spite of the child lock that is and has been on the door since they moved in. As soon as Jen opened the door, Hayden was in my arms with a huge smile. The commotion woke up William who them came sleepy-eyed out of his room, took my hand, and said, "Aunt Alison, when you were on your trip, I missed you." Now, that is a heart-warming welcome.

We spent the day together and it was full of sudden, beautiful delights. Like in the car, William said out of the blue, "Aunt Alison, I love you. You are such a nice girl. And you are very pretty." Work it, little guy. He knows how to get the women. And then after reading one of the Clifford books to the boys, William sighed and said, "Aww. That was such a nice book." Oh yes, and then there was the moment when Hayden called Brad's new road bike, "wicked cool." Seriously? Where did he learn that?

But, the best scene of all happened in the kitchen this morning and took place in less than thirty seconds. Hayden was playing with an airplane he had put together when all of the sudden he cried "ants!" and raced over to the fruit bowl. He moved the bowl and started squishing the ants with his bare hands. Once all the ants were thoroughly squished between his fingers, Jen told him to go wash his hands. At this point, William spied his golden opportunity and confiscates Hayden's plane. Hayden returns and screams for his plane and William screams that Hayden wasn't playing with it and so it's okay and then Jen intervened and I just stood there laughing. That's why I'm the aunt, not the mother.

zesty

So, another nephew story. Another one of my nephews is Hayden. Now, Hayden is quite a character. He had speech problems and went through various courses of speech therapy. Now the little guy just won't shut up. And it's such a wonderful blessing after all those years of trying to coax words out of him and understand his body language, that we just can't bear to tell him to be quiet for a few moments. But really, sometimes a few moments is now needed.
Well, Mom took Hayden to church with her last Sunday. They sat up in the balcony which is apparently pretty cool with Hayden. During the children's story, Hayden went downstairs and vyed for a seat close to Pastor Frank and then gave Mom a big wave across the sanctuary. Then, for the prayer, Hayden gave his grand finale. Pastor Frank asked the children to pray with him and Hayden went to his knees with his forehead to the floor for the prayer. I mean, talk about spiritual zest! I'm not sure where he learned that move though. I've never seen Brad or Jen anywhere near prostrate during prayer. Who knows, but this kid is in.
Then, yesterday after Dad and Brad moved my playhouse from the farm to Brad's house, Hayden told them that he was so proud of them for their hard work. I love it.

hike the trail to mordor

Today, we're going to talk for a few moments about animals. I have never been much of an animal person, but this may be changing. I actually like a dog now. My roomie, Claire, has a dog named Luke. He won my heart over the first afternoon that Claire wasn't home. You see, he normally sticks pretty close to Claire. But, when she's gone, he's up for a new friend. So, Luke and I were in the apartment together and he commenced to following me around. Not in a whiny, droopy way. No, he followed in a 'you are so cool, I would follow you to the ends-of-the-earth' kind of way. Then, when I studied he sat right outside my door and barked at any slight noise. It's pretty cool to have protection as you travel to the ends-of-the-earth. So, Luke and I are now buddies and I am a little more open to the rest of the dog population.
Now, spiders have not helped their situation concerning me. No active 'let's win over Alison so she doesn't squish us and throw us to a watery toilet death when she finds us.' Noooo. A freakin' spider bit the crap out of my ankle on Saturday. Now my right ankle looks like I ate 50 doughnuts for dinner and all the weight gain went to that poor little ankle and foot. And it hurts like the dickens (whatever dickens feels like). Bad move mister spider. Bad move. You and your friends are going down if I can ever hobble over to you. Shesh.

gender differences

I know there was never any question as to my feminine nature. However, just in case of any discrepancy, I have definitely proved my femininity beyond question. Yesterday, while talking to friends about the Virginia Tech football game, I mentioned how much I hoped they would win the game and if need be, that the other team would just let them win. I mean, that school has been through it. Everyone agreed with me up until the 'letting them win' part and that's where they confirmed that I think like a girl. Apparently football supercedes all else and winning is winning and losing is losing. Forgive me. Oh, and one more thing, I will never boo another team. Never. Everyone comes out and works their butts off and I applaud every team, whether winner or loser. So there.