The inevitability of change

Dear friends,
After much consideration, I have decided to create a more personal blog. If you would like to read it, please email me at ali_downs@yahoo.com and I will send you the link.
Love.

This bumpy road of life

"Today I choose peace." On the way home to Nashville on Thursday morning, I tuned in to a phone OA meeting. There were 47 of us listening and sharing during the phone session from all corners of the United States. It was neat to be part of a group of people who were seeking peace, serenity, and abstinence on a food centered holiday. We discovered together how to change our perspective so that Thanksgiving became a day about love amoung family and friends and not a day about pumpkin pie and macaroni and cheese. One of the women said, "today I choose peace." I have repeated that phrase to myself over and over again since hearing it on Thursday morning. I did not choose to have problems with food, but now that I have established some self-awareness, I can choose health and abstinence over bingeing and obsession. Because food has ceased to be a remedy for life's problems anymore. Instead, any toes dipped into the pool of over or undereating simple leads to further food obsession, a surfacing of all my character defects, and an inability to successfully handle life's problems. In spite of this knowledge, I still dip a toe in every now and again just to be sure that I have not suddenly, magically morphed into a "normal" eater. I am always disappointed, but never surprised to learn that I am still me, food problems and all. I recently started going to OA and am absolutely in love with the fellowship and hope that I receive, and hopefully give, when I attend the meetings. I have a sponsor too. I choose her because of her smile, her story that was encompassed so much of mine, and to be honest, because she was wearing this super cool bandana that let me know about her fun spirit. I talk to her each evening and am always delighted to hear her words of hope, insight, and encouragement. She gets it.
I am sitting in Detroit right now at Amy Brown's home. It is snowing outside and quite cold. The snowflakes are enormous, just like the ones that fell on Julie Andrew's nose and eyelashes. But, I am inside with a cup of hot peach/mango tea and all is well in my world. I don't go in to work tomorrow. It's strange to know that the world of Bradford continues without me and I am glad to know that I miss my job and the fun people I work with.
I am feeling very grateful today. Lately, I have struggled with focusing on the one thing missing from my life (a man to love and be loved by) instead of the many mercies I have present. I have been having almost secondary withdrawls from the break-up with Aaron and some renewed anger. So, I put my time with Aaron on my gratitude list. Even though I don't really feel that grateful, I want to become grateful in this time, in this moment. And sometimes I just have to start by making myself do something uncomfortable. Because I am seeing the presence of God daily in my life. And this morning I sang about God's new mercies each morning. I believe that. So, I'm going to trust in this moment that God is fully good and not just partially good. I am thankful for:
My father's health. His foot healed after 8 months. I'm thankful that my brother was able to talk him into going to the pain clinic, something I didn't think possible for him to allow for himself.
The awareness that my mother has developed about our relationship. There has been healing there, people.
My sister-in-law's. Those women stand like pillars next to my brothers and have never strayed an inch. I love them simply for that.
My nephews. Never have I experienced such joy or learned so much about living life on life's terms from those little guys. They help me re-learn all the important lessons about sharing, playing fair, getting enough rest, eating healthy foods, stopping when full, loving unconditionally, losing with respect and winning with honor, speaking kindly, accepting discipline. All the good stuff.
My job. I am truly thankful for a job that I enjoy with people I enjoy. I cannot sum up the support and leadership I have received from Matt and Kelly and John. I cannot sum up the things I have had to figure out how to do in the sink or swim method. I am better for it.
Bouncy ball, kitty pictures, and fun shoes.
My friends. I have a core group that I hold dear to my heart. Amy, Amy, Melissa, Natalie, Michelle, and Donnovin.
My education. I grew up expected to go to school and at least go to college if not more. I was set up to succeed in life and for this I am grateful.
My apartment. I love my apartment with the alcove for painting, the black and white tile floor, and the sunlight pouring in through the windows.
My eating problems. I put this on the list absolutely. These problems lead me to my career, to my education, to my friends. These problems created a sense of compassion, understanding, and love that I do not believe I would have had otherwise.
My time with Aaron and the other guys too. See, I am starting in this moment.
My faith. My faith changes and varies, but I am thankful for the existence of faith and the hope of something bigger than me. I do not think my life has been left to chance. There is just no way.
This has been a bit of a mushy blog, but I have been overwhelmed with gratitude lately for the mercies I have received on this bumpy road of life. That is all.

my little buddies

pictage

Watching my Titans lose for the first time this season.
My cousins enjoying turkey legs. Yuck!
Tailgating before the game.
I spent the weekend at home in Nashville. This is a glimpse of the chaos of family time. Somehow the little boys just knew that the teenage boy cousins are cool.

Game Day 101

If there anyone who has not had the privilege of watching a football game with Kendra and myself, I would like to invite you to join the fun. Here is a sample of the game dialogue between A (Alison), K (Kendra), and M (Matthew):
K: I wonder what the quarterback has in the little fanny pack pouch.
A: Probably snacks.
K: Oh yeah, like gummy bears.
A: Or twizlers. I don't like twizlers.
K: I love the pull-apart ones.
A: I bet he has cheetos!
K and M together: Crunchy or puffy?
A: Probably crunchy.
K: Yeah, more resistant to tackling.
M: Imagine the poor guy who gets carrot sticks every single game.
A: Or celery sticks. Sad day.
Pause.
A: What's on the back of that guy's helmet?
M: Stickers. The players get them for good plays.
K: You're lying! But, is that true?
A: No, but it would be funny if they stole stickers from each other.
M: Alabama doesn't do the sticker thing any more. It was causing too many problems at practice.
K: You're lying. But, is that true?
Pause:
K: The baby's nomming beans. Baby loves to nom beans and blueberries.
Pause:
A: Saban kind of has poofy hair.
Pause:
K: I bet he has jelly beans in his pouch. Those are really durable.

The End.

simply live

This is Christa and me at the BSC reunion weekend. I met a woman who graduated in 1929 and is 101 years old. She was pretty cool. It wasn't even time for dessert, but she told the waiter she wanted a cookie and she got it. I can't wait until I'm 101 and can get whatever I want when I want it.

This is a Monday dinner with Melissa. Growing up my family always ate homemade applesauce on homemade Mickey Mouse waffles. Please see below. It's really the only way.



Brigid and I went to the Alys Steven's Center to see a show put on by about 12 Chinese men and women. The dudes could kick anyone's butt and the women could bend themselves around in ways that made my back hurt.

feeling artsy

artwork by alidowns

rainbows and butterflies and fairies and cotton candy

Friday morning I headed out to work decked out in my Friday outfit which includes my Fun Friday rainbow shoes. Love those shoes. Never have I gotten more compliments on a $5 pair of shoes from K-mart. I'm in the car and notice a totally rancid, horrible, terrible, dog-poop smell. I figure it must just be outside of the car, so I turn off the outside air and hit the freeway. Alas, the smell remains. Now, normal people might first check the bottom of a shoe for dog poo. I, however, am not normal and therefore, start coming up with wild explanations for why my car smells like poo. Surely, someone who hates me, and there are two that I know of, broke in my car, let a wild animal loose, and it has now left its treasure with me. Or, Norman slept on my car and had an accident. Well, I thought I was going to vomit from the smell, but I didn't want to pull over on the side of the highway and I didn't want to get outside in the pouring rain, so I continued to Warrior. Thirty minutes later I arrived at work to find dog poo on the bottom of my right Fun Friday rainbow shoe. Yuck. I carried dog shit from Birmingham to Warrior. Cheers to the beginning of Friday.

tonight, today, and yesterday

Today was a weird day. I spoke to Aaron last night. It was the second time I had spoken to him since we broke up. Our conversation was awkward with bouts of silence. It's strange to have a conversation like this with someone I still love, someone with whom I was very close for 5 months of my life. We decided not to speak again. I may see him at church on occasion, but nothing more. It was almost like breaking up again. We totally shut the door. Our life conversation is finished. I feel like this is the right decision for us, but it is ever painful and I must admit that I am totally uncomfortable with this present pain. I have been through break-ups before, but each one is so different. This one stings in a new way, leaves a different gap in my self-confidence, in my life. I think it's because I'm 26 and I was hoping that this would be it for me. I am having an immensely difficult time trusting the Lord right now. I believe that His ways are good, His purpose divine, each of my needs created and satisfied by Him in His time. Yet, it sure does not, does NOT, feel that way right now. It was almost easier to be in a difficult relationship than to be dealing with a quandary like this. God has always brought the right person into my life at the right time when I was not looking. But, I must admit, that I am always glancing around, hoping I'll spot him while I pretend not to be looking. I must remember that Aaron and I only broke up about 3 weeks ago. That's not that long and in fact, it seems that often the world has forgotten that we were together. But, I haven't forgotten yet. I still want to talk about it, yet at times, there seems nothing more to say.

Best quote yet

Landlord: Did you know that America has a drug and alcohol problem?
Me: I work at Bradford.
L: Where?
Me: Nevermind.

The color of my heart

I love fall back. I just slept for 10 hours. Love it.
I also love applesauce, as mentioned previously.





And finally, Ms. Melissa Brown's Flower magazine has made it to the big leagues people!

how many friends do you have?

On facebook I have 706 friends. However, I would not say that I actually even know 706 people. I did go through that 'must have friends on facebook to prove my worth' phase, so whatever.

I am at home and I am taking the day off of work tomorrow. I am so excited I can barely stand it. I'm probably gonna go crazy and clean the house, paint, and exercise. Yes, that is crazy for me. I might even get a pedicure.

So, tomorrow is Halloween. Halloween is such an odd holiday. All the costumes and candy. I'm loving fall more than ever this year. I don't know what it's about, but I just love the cool weather, the changing leaves, the pumpkins, the lightness of spirit. I love the power of the cold coming in and washing away the heat. I like seeing the birds flying south in spectacular V formations. How do they know to do that?! Tomorrow Melissa and I are making homemade applesauce. I am a bit of applesauce snob. My family made creamed corn, applesauce, and jam every year. And there is nothing like the sweet, chunky goodness of homemade. The store bought applesauce seasoned to taste like strawberries just doesn't do it for me. We made the applesauce and then put it on top of Mickey Mouse waffles for breakfast. I used to have waffle eating contests with my brothers. Kind of unfair since I was five and they were fifteen and seventeen. I held my own though. I turned anorexic later so go figure. It all evens in the end, I guess.

I got cable television this week. It's been a big addition to my life. I got to watch my Titans beat the Colts on Monday night and then I just concentrated on seeing how many shows I wanted to watch at the same time since I have almost 100 channels. Who knew there were this many shows? Correction: this many terrible, mind-numbing shows. It's good for now though.

Blue

When I was little, I used to crawl under the dining room table while all of the adults were finishing their food and tie my grandfather's shoelaces together in an elaborate mess of bows and knots. Then, I would sneak, ever so sneakily, back to my seat and pick at my food just waiting for my grandpa to stand up. And, at the end of the meal, he would stand up from his place at the head of the table, and pretend to almost fall down while trying to walk. I thought it was hilarious every single time. It is one of my first memories.

I also remember Warren tying a rope on the end of a box and pulling me around the house in the box. I thought it was just divine. He would also come home from high school and go down to the creek with me and play. He was 17 years old. I was 5. He was (and is) one of my heroes. We would build stick boats and race them down the creek. I would joyfully hop in the water to free them if stuck. It was delightful.

I also remember dancing with my Dad. I stood on the bed and held his hands and we danced back and forth while singing some song...maybe from My Fair Lady. It was good.

I also wore a blue sequin belt for about 2 years straight. Church, playtime, bed, didn't matter. Alison had the belt on. It was hot and I still have it. Maybe Halloween. Maybe.

May I

It's funny how distracting pain or self-pity can be. I'm sitting here at my desk about to leave for the week. It's been a long week. And, as a glanced to my right, I noticed an empty picture frame and immediately felt a little twinge of sadness or lonliness. But, I look next to the frame and there is a mug from Amy W. that I received on my 26th birthday because she knows how much I love hot tea and beautiful mugs. And on the wall is a collage made by Amy B. as a gift at some point in my life. It is covered in sunflowers and bright colors and fun quotes because she knows I love these things. And above my desk is a hand-stitched serenity prayer that my mother found at a yard sale and got because she knows how much this prayer means to me and my job as a recovery helper. And there are kitty pictures that my co-workers and I have made for each other. And there is a diploma representing my education and the gift of time and money that was poured into my life to help me be successful and happy. And there are fun shoes on my feet and bouncy balls in my drawer and a glow-in-the-dark braclet on my wrist and a fake tatoo on my arm. May I never lose sight of the fact that I am loved completely and may I never chose to focus on the lesser and lose sight of the greater. May I never take for granted what I have and may I open myself up to loving better and accepting love in all of its forms.

my halo's too tight

Brennan Manning writes, "the gospel of grace calls us to sing of the everyday mystery of intimacy with God instead of always seeking for miracles or visions...Grace abounds and walks around the edges of our everyday experience." I don't know what to write these days. My life still feels very strange. I still miss Aaron and I am redefining my life, my time, my friendships, and my faith. In regards to my faith, I am particularly interested in rules. I am really sick and tired of rules. Rules just make me want to throw a small fit and say a loud stream of cuss words. Now, don't misunderstand, I believe in rules for the good of society so that we're not all running around looting and stealing. But, I'm tired of rules for rules' sake. I'm more into freedom for freedom's sake and fun for fun's sake. Now, for me this generally involves just not trying to please everyone and shaking it a little harder when I go out dancing and saying a few more cuss words when people can actually hear them. This does not give me free reign to do anything that would hurt someone else or myself on purpose.

But, back to Brennan. I am trying to remain in a spirit of gratitude lately. And, it helps me to write it down. So, I am thankful for the sunset last night. It was glorious and fleeting. I was thankful to be a witness to the hand of God. I'm thankful for my apartment. I love this space. It's my little refuge in the world and I feel so at home here. I'm thankful for my friends. There is nothing like a phone call right now to let me know that I am being thought of and loved. Payday. I get paid tomorrow and I am ever-grateful for a job that I not only like, but that allows me to pay my bills and do some fun things on the side. The fall weather. There is something about fall and spring that is surprising each year and let's me sense a power greater than myself and a sense of "aliveness." Hot tea in the morning and diet soda twice a day. I love the warmth of the tea and the fizzle of a diet soda. My co-workers. I don't even know how to describe them, but I could not do my job and remain sane without their wisdom and laughter and support.

No more rules.

Each morning I read a meditation out of 'The Language of Letting Go' by Melody Beattie. Today, October 18, states, "We have arrived at the understanding that we needed our experiences - even our mistakes - to get to where we are today. Do we know that we needed our life to unfold exactly as it did to find ourselves, our Higher Power, and this new way of life? No matter what happens, you can take care of yourself. And what happens will continue to be good, better than you think. I trust that the Plan is good, even when I don't know what it is."

Norman

I have to believe the quote that states, "when all is lost, all is left to gain." I am grieving what feels like a death. There is something so strange about a break-up. It really shakes things up. My emotions are stirred, the pictures come down, the notes are stored away to possibly be read in a few years or to be thrown out with time, I try to rediscover the 'I' and say goodbye to the 'we.' One of the hardest things right now is that I don't have much to give my patients. I want to listen to their pain and be helpful, but I don't have much room for more hurt. I stare at them a bit glassy-eyed and understand their desire for things to feel better "right now." I wish someone had an answer. I wish this could pass more quickly. I wish I could step outside of myself and truly examine the relationship and how I need to change for the better. I wish I could glimpse two years from now when I am grateful for these lessons and somehow, have forgotten the intensity of the pain. It's always been strange to me how a person can forget pain so easily. I've gone through break-ups before, but each one wounds in a different, deep way. And I suppose I'm grateful for this because I wouldn't have the guts to go around risking my heart again if I were able to remember what this feels like. But, I know it will pass with time and I will risk it all again. And it will be worth it again. Psalms 139 says that "you hem me in-behind and before; you have laid our hand upon me...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." So, whatever mistakes I may have made, I'm okay because the Lord thinks I'm a cool chick and that's enough.

The Velveteen Rabbit

I want to claim all the things I know as true and walk with the confidence that my God has my best interest at heart. I want to rest in the place that comforts my soul with His will. I want to believe that He is taking me to the right person at the right time. But the fact is that I just hurt right now. I walk around feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. I break into tears at any moment, food is uninteresting to me, I wake up thinking about him and us, my stomach hurts all the time, I laugh like crazy at times and the next moment I can barely engage in conversation because I can't focus on the topic or I don't care enough to put forth the energy. I am incredibly sad. I miss him. I miss us. It's frightening to be this real in public. It really is.

hmmmm...

"One thing we owe to Our Lord is never to be afraid. To be afraid is doubly an injury to him. Firstly, it means that we forget him; we forget he is with us and is all powerful; secondly, it means that we are not conformed to his will; for since all that happens is willed or permitted by him, we outght to rejoice in all that happens to us and feel neither anxiety nor fear. Let us then have the faith that banishes fear. Our Lord is at our side, with us, upholding us."
-Charles de Foucauld

rang my tater

I am in Nashville this weekend and spent the afternoon playing with my nephews. I am always delighted to find that the games haven't changed over the past 20 years. My Nashville nephews are 4 and 6. We played freeze tag (I am personally a fan of the Chinese variety), hide and seek, climbed trees, made diet drinks explode by throwing mentos into them, ate ice cream, and played with leggos. If we had had more time, we would have run through the best curious george stories and engaged in at least three more tickle fights. In spite of the fact that many kids are growing up too quickly these days and knowing too much about adult material, I am thankful that my nephews still get to delight in the simplicity of childhood. And I was ever so thankful to get to delight in it as well, just for the afternoon.
I did find it funny that my nephews, obviously being boys, were building space invaders and war tanks out of their leggos while I, obviously being a girl, was happily building a little house complete with door and window. We are just hardwired so differently.
We overheard William talking in the kitchen today. This is what he said, kid you not:
"Satan, this is William. I don't like you. I'm sorry that it has to be this way, but it does."
Of course, he also called me a "weird little booger" today, which is technically true. So, the kid is pretty darn honest and pretty much right on target.

mi casa

Today, I've tried to be mindful of my many blessings, for which I am truly grateful.
1. My job. There is no perfect job. But, every day I get to do a job a love and make enough money to live. I connect with people on a daily basis. I hear their stories and try to help myself and other people be more healthy and happy. Bradford is out in the woods and after a good rain, when the sun is shining through the trees, it is just beautiful. I work with two really cool people, who I am pleased to call my friends. I had originally asked God just for someone to eat lunch with. I never imagined that I would have friends to play bouncy ball with, create silly cat pictures with, and wear fun shoes with on Friday.
2. My apartment. I am so blessed to have a space in this world that I call mine. I am comfortable here. I love my surroundings and it makes me feel cozy. I like coming home.
3. I am thankful for the million things my body does without me telling it to. I give my body so much grief over this little mark or freckle or wrinkle or sliver of fat. Yet, I fail to remember that my body is constantly breathing, sending oxygen around to my organs, blinking my eyes to keep them from drying out, sneezing when needing, swallowing, using food and water for energy, thinking, feeling, sleeping and waking, moving my muscles for my workouts, telling me when to be hungry and full, healing wounds or sickness, etc. It's really quite unbelievable.
4. Resilience of spirit. I am so thankful that my body and spirit and mind keeps on trucking. I really thought last night that I could feel my heart breaking apart (again) and I wasn't sure I was going to survive. How to survive another heart ache? But, here I sit tonight and I'm not sure how I got from last night to tonight, but my body, spirit, and mind did it.
5. My parents. It's nice to have them in my corner. There is nothing like a mom and dad. Nothing like knowing that someone thinks I am the coolest thing on the planet (along with my brothers) and everyone else should know it too. Thanks mom.
6. Laughter. I love to laugh. It just helps make life so much better.
7. My friends. There is nothing like a friend skipping choir just so I can be in her presence and not alone. For isn't that what we so often desire, to know that we are not alone in this big world?
8. My health. I am thankful that a bad time doesn't throw me into an anorexic or bulimic spree each time. I still have bad times and I still have to be mindful of my health. But, I know what to do and I am thankful for this knowledge.
9. My faith. I am ever so thankful to know the Lord. I am grateful that He is big enough to handle my everything, including my anger.
10. Fall leaves. There is nothing like the changing seasons to remind me that I am alive and grateful for life.

I keep running across the idea of coming home. I read recently that one of the translations for salvation means "coming home." And Sue Monk Kidd writes, "the image of coming home is a powerful, archetypal symbol for returning to one's deepest self, to the soul." When I think of coming home, I think of a place that is comfortable and yet, sometimes difficult for it represents me and I'm not always sure that I like myself, or at least all of myself, and I have to become comfortable in my own skin and my own process.

Amen

When I was in treatment several years ago, one of my mom's friends wrote her the following email.

"I think Rock Bottom is the only place we really learn. It isn't only true of AA, it is true of all of them. This is only one more variant. But it is a blessed place too. It really gets our focus, purpose, meaning and place aligned like nothing else can or does. Until we get to that place where we choose, symbolically perhaps, between life or death, we don't have a life. Most of us slide through life without ever choosing it. Consequently, we never really live either. This could be a huge blessing in her life. Crisis usually has that potential."

Amen.

just for today

Someone said recently, "Where is your gratitude?" It wasn't spoken as a direct question to me, but I was struck by the truth of those words. Am I truly grateful for what God is doing in my life? Am I truly grateful for His presence in my life and the fact that hardship brings me to my knees in desire and desperation for His wisdom? Do I trust that God has my best interest at heart when I hurt and when I don't understand? Do I believe that all I need is God each moment and that this world and its people and things will pass away and I stand in need of my Savior?

Henri Nouwen writes, "Where there is reason for gratitude, there can always be found a reason for bitterness. It is here that we are faced with the freedom to make a decision. We can decide to be grateful or bitter...

Our first, most spontaneous response to pain and suffering is to avoid it, to keep it at arm's length; to ignore, circumvent or deny it...Still my own pain in life has taught me that the first step to healing is not a step away from the pain, but a step toward it...The deep truth is that our human suffering need not be an obstacle to the joy and peace we so desire, but can become, instead, the means to it."

One. Two.

Two things tonight:

1. I may take a while to make a decision, but once I make it, it's on. I plow forward like nobody's business. I do this with clothes shopping, apartment decorating, college decision, job choice, boyfriend issues, etc. I was worried tonight that I had done something too quickly, but actually I waited for 12 hours and as Melissa pointed out, "That's just the way you do things once you make a decision." How can I be anything but what I am in this moment?

2. I busted it in my apartment tonight. I was getting up off of the couch and somehow my foot got tangled in the couch cover and I moved forward with my upper body and my lower body stayed still and I went flat on the ground. And, it's funny, because as I was falling, I was not worried about the fact that the foot that was caught was the one with the ankle I broke less than a year ago. No, I was worried about the fact that one of my favorite tea mugs had gone flying out of my hand and across the room. However, never fear, the mug is fine and I have hard wood floor burns on my knee and shin and foot. Very attractive and very painful. It was funny though. The home is a dangerous place. No one ever warns us about the dangers of the home. Consider yourself warned.

another kitty

more animals

no way around it

As I get older, it seems that time passes more quickly. I remember just months ago when I was in school and had days filled with nothing but class and then chill time with some studies mixed in. Now, my weekends fly by and I long for more time to read and journal and paint. However, I did just spend about 8 hours in front of the television, so I guess I had more time than I thought...I just watched Alabama win and Auburn lose to Vandy. Although I claim to be an Auburn fan (I am definitely NOT an Alabama fan), it was fun to watch the Comodores win. I am from Nashville and it's always fun to root for the home team and I always love to see a solid underdog take the lead. Plus, Vandy hasn't been 5-0 since 1943 people. That's big time. Then, we watch the Bourne Ultimatum, an excellent end to the trilogy. So, I guess it's about time for some intellectual stimulation after morphing into the couch cushions for so many hours.

On Friday, we had random drug screens at work. Thankfully, I didn't sweat it too much and hopefully, I passed with flying colors. However, I would like to make note of a few things. There is nothing more awkward than (a) peeing in a cup and (b) walking down the hall carrying your own pee in a cup and (c) handing that cup of warm pee to a complete stranger and then (d) standing there helplessly while they take down your name and seal up the pee and ask you to sign your name claiming your own cup of pee. I mean, really, what a terrible idea. And what a terrible job. There were two people just collecting pee and labeling it all day. I am so glad I stayed in school.

I am not a huge holiday person. I don't do tons of decorations. However, I did buy three baby pumpkins at the store on Friday night. I guess it helped me recover from the pee incident. Plus, I like 'cute' decorations.

PINK

There are various ways to survive my job and the intensities of working with patients who are struggling with the addiction of drugs and alcohol, among other issues. I really hear terrible stories. We live in a world that heartbreakingly painful and tough and evil. Last week was a rough one for me. I had several patients break down and cry in my office and tell me things that just really hurt my heart. Usually I leave work and shut off the work part of my brain. But, lately, I've been troubled by some of the pain and sadness in a different way than before. So, I'm at home today. I'm sitting here in my sunny cove and writing. I just didn't think I could possibly try to help anyone else today when I just hurt right now. The past few months have been riddled with more trials than I could have imagined and I do believe the 20's are just crazy years. I pray that life settles down as I grow up. I've cried more tears in the last three months than I would have thought possible and I'm glad we don't know the future because I do believe I would have quit some time ago if I had known. It's strange though. I have a job that I like, a home that is mine, friends that I cherish, parents I get along with, and a boyfriend who is pretty cool. But, it's still just hard. I mean, trying to grow up and be a productive, independent adult with healthy relationships and coping skills. I try to act confident, but I honestly have no idea what the hell I'm doing. No idea, whatsoever. I mean, I show up at work and listen and offer whatever wisdom I have and hope that I have impacted someone's life in a positive way each day. I try to communicate effectively with my boyfriend. I try to be a loyal friend. I try to do all kinds of things and honestly, today, I just quit. I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of messing up and I'm tired of wondering how to do things better. I'm tired.

I think I might go to Nashville on Saturday after work and see my nephews. They are usually the all-time cure for the blues. Something about their spunk and their excitement and their faces when I arrive.

Other ways we survive at work: Well, every Friday I wear my Fun Friday shoes which are my $5 K-mart shoes with rainbows. I get lots of compliments on these shoes and my co-worker and I get to do a shoe high-five and that's always fun. And, we make kitty pictures. I'll have to attach one. There's really no way to describe these. And, we now have the bouncy ball game. It's pretty neat and now involves like 70 bouncy balls. We get the bouncy balls from the Pizza Hut near work out of a pin-ball like machine. I got about 20 new ones last Friday. So, we all have our bouncy balls and we have starters and each of us gets several tries to get the balls into the Bengals helmet that just happens to be hanging around Matt and Tim's office. Now, you don't just get to throw the ball into the helmet, mind you. It must bounce or richocet or swerve around the room in a cool fashion and then glide into the helmet. And yes, we have score cards and rules, etc. It reminds me of Calvinball in a way, actually. So, we do that. And I laugh a lot at work. Or try to. And we have nuclear options. But, those are kind of classified, so ask me privately about that one.
But, for today, I'm sitting in the sunny cove. I just ate a little lunch, drank a little pink lemonade, and got my toes painted a light pink color. I don't think I've had my toes painted a color since about the 5th grade. At that point, I painted them neon green and left it on all summer. I thought it was really cool at the time. However, when I took the polish off, my toenails were dyed a gross yellowish-green color which took another 2 months to go away. Needless to say, it left a bad taste in my mouth about colored polish. But, here I sit with pink toenails for whatever reason.

nerdery

I am housesitting/babysitting for the next eight days. I started this afternoon and I must say it is just the strangest thing. I'm sitting here in someone else's house and here is what I have discovered. This family buys Equal. I didn't know that people still bought Equal. I thought everyone switched to Splenda like me. Interesting. Also, other people read Newsweek and People magazine, apparently. I thought maybe I was the only one willing to admit that I like the news, but really like the gossip.Third, I am not the only person capable of collecting more "stuff" than I could ever need or use. I really think this so-called "stuff" sneaks in when I'm sleeping and hides under the bed, only to be discovered when I have to move. Fourth, I'm always surprised when I get to be a witness to the family dynamics and find that other families function really differently than mine. I know this intellectually, but I'm surprised every time I encounter a new family situation. Fifth, people really like their TV's. I have a TV, but it doesn't actually play any stations. I can watch movies on it and for the most part, I'm totatlly okay with that. I've never really watched that much TV. Although, I did watch a record-breaking amount of football on Saturday and I am beyond excited about the return of the office on Thursday night. But, give me a good book or a pretty journal or a handsome boyfriend to play cards with, and I am set. But, back to the televisions. People have them everywhere. Like in multiple rooms of the house. When I was growing up we had one of those big screen TV's with the roll out top that projected the light onto one screen and then onto the big screen. We kept that thing until the color went totally green. We still enjoy the orange couch that has been around forever and a day.

Speaking of orange, my mom has these hideous orange flour and sugar containers. She wanted to get rid of them about 15 years ago and buy something more up to date and I practically threw a fit. I wanted her to keep those ugly orange containers. It's weird and I don't know why I'm so attached to them, but I'll probably inherit them someday. I guess kids just hold on to the memories. I always remember coming home from school and I'd sit at the counter and do homework while mom cooked dinner. Then, Dad would come home and he'd pat mom's bottom and kiss her on the cheek and I'd be totally embarrassed, but so thankful that my parents were still in love. And, those orange containers would be chilling on the counter near to it all. Yeah, I'll be the one who says to her brothers, sure take the sterling silver, I just want the orange flour jar. I can't take any of it with me when I go to heaven anyway.

So, the sadness has not passed yet. But, it's okay. It's okay.

Yoplait

I just ate a container of blissful blueberry yogurt. On the back someone was kind enough to let me know that my yogurt was approved by the National Yogurt Association and was approved for live and active cultures. Let’s dissect this. A. Who gets to be a member of the National Yogurt Association and who would want to be on the board? I mean, I love yogurt, but there are few foods I would go to bat for. B. What exactly are live and active cultures? Weirds me out a little bit to think of putting little living, exercising things into my body. But, hopefully they are doing the electric slide in my stomach and cleaning out any toxins and then taking the alpine slide on out into the wave pool.

Recently I’ve been feeling pretty down. Depression is always strange to me. Sometimes, okay all the time, I really just want to feel good. But then, some sadness will hit and take a little while to go away. This time I haven’t been feeling very patient with wanting the sadness to go away. Sometimes I can relax, let myself feel the emotions, and peacefully know that it will pass. This time I just feel anxious and very unsure of how to handle things. Sometimes it’s easier to help other people than it is to help myself and follow my own advice.

cloudy skies

So, my shoebox of an office is now a lovely shade of light blue. It is much more pleasant than the peeling shades of brown that previous adorned the walls. My office by the way was going to be an elevator shaft back in the 80's, I believe. But, the funding didn't come through, so now the shaft is my office. It is about 5x5 and just as cozy as you can imagine. I've had three people in there at one time and it was a bit like camping so I generally go to another office to hang out. However, the office does have a door that closes and a computer that is mine and a telephone that I try not to answer too frequently. And, some therapy does happen in there as often as possible and hopefully some healing as well. But, back to the paint. Like I said, the office is blue and that has created quite the drama in the workplace. I've never been a trouble-maker, but I think I was this week. It was kind of fun, kind of weird, and kind of wounding. I just find it strange that anyone would care about the color of my office when there are spiderwebs everywhere, you can smell the mold, and the colors of brown are so depressing that it surprises me that anyone can have a good day. But, the whole thing really happened because some people either don't have enough to do or are miserable and therefore, want to make me miserable as well. Bradford was going to re-paint my office brown, but thankfully I stood up for myself and several people stood up behind me. I think we're the ones with some idealism left. The ones who want to worry about the important things in life like helping patients get better. The ones who believe that the patients are worth it. I feel like that was the part of me that was threatened. The part that wants to make things better. To make Bradford look better. To make my patients feel more comfortable. To believe that change is possible. And as I write, I sound awfully idealistic, but I am glad and I am letting that part of me remain and start to heal.

boo-ya

I may not make a lot of money as a social worker, but today I took a holiday and got paid to eat good food and ski on the lake. Yes. It is true.

Give me Jesus

Do you ever get to a point in life where there is a quiet desperation that seems hopeless, overwhelming, and exhausting? And all at once, you want to be with your mother, alone, with your best friend, in the bed, on a beach, staring at the stars, and nowhere at all...definitely not in your own skin or your own misunderstood mind or left with your own crazy character defects staring you in the face. Yes, these are the ones I referred to earlier. I have no solutions. I want no sympathy. I just need something.
Today I have listened to Fernando Ortega's 'Give Me Jesus' over and over.

"In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world.
Give me Jesus.

And when I am alone,
And when I am alone,
And when I am alone,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world.
Give me Jesus.

And when I come to die,
And when I come to die,
And when I come to die,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world.
You can have all this world.
Give me jesus."

The B.B.

So, it is Friday and I officially quit my job. Until tomorrow morning at 8:30am. So, I, being the badass, am quitting for the next sixteen and half hours. It has been a good, actually calm week. No major crisis, no personality disorders, no almost-wrecked cars, and I haven't been fired. As of today, I have officially worked at Bradford for two months. I cannot believe how quickly time passes. If people want a good reality show, they should film one at Bradford. It is the most chaotic, strange place I have ever worked. That's including restaurants, people. But, somehow, I get a caseload and patients come and go and life goes on in the Bradford bubble. Hopefully, a patient or two gets recovery along the way.

smug, what a great word

So, I live in an old apartment building. My apartment has creaky hardwood floors, black and white tile in the kitchen, a nifty chandelier over the table. Apparently, people were really skinny when this place was built. Because the door frames are tiny and the space to sit beside the kitchen table doesn’t allow for a large meal to be consumed. And, I love this little place. In spite of the lack of dishwasher and the fact that the kitchen floor gets dirty in a second and the electrical outlets are all in the wrong places..I love it. I pay the rent with money I worked hard for and the little haven of space is filled up with the oddest assortment of furniture and belongings that, for the most part, look just like me. Most of my furniture is cheap, borrowed, a gift, or a graduation gift from high school or college. But, I like it. Yea, I’d love to have a nice leather couch and some cable television and a sleigh bed for my mattress. But, I’m trying not to confuse my wants with my needs right now. All of my needs are being met. And for that, I am truly grateful.

P.S. The other great thing. I have a little box where the mailman puts my mail. And hooked to it is a chip clip. I just put my mail under the chip clip and he takes it away to mail world. I thought about getting a cute clothespin to put on the box. Maybe a pink one with my name on it. But, considering the rest of the furniture in my apartment, a chip clip makes more sense. Plus, I rarely buy chips. Except for today actually. I bought some jalapeno chips. The kettle chips kind. Love them. Better hurry if you want one though. I ate about 5 chips and that was half the bag. Always hated that about chips. Big bag. Little bit of chips. Also, just so the world knows. The best chips in the entire universe are kettle cooked Sea Salt and BALSAMIC Vinegar chips. These chips have the greatest mix of salty and sweet ever. The problem is they only seem to exist in England. I had them at my cousin’s home in Birmingham and have longed for them since. I have checked world market and whole foods. It’s a negative. Bummer. I like those chips.

P.P.S. I think I might start giving myself a different job title every day. I’ll still technically be doing the same job. I’ll just call it different things. Like tomorrow, I’m going to be an executive emotions coordinator. The next day I’ll be a recovery specialist. The following day I’ll be the mediator between good and evil. Then, the badass. Yes, just badass. And what do you do, young lady? She looks around smugly, I sir, am a badass. Peace out.

just to clear the area

I forgot to mention that I think Norman, the cat, is a girl. Why? Because she has no interest in me whatsoever. But, Aaron arrives and walaaa, that pretty kitty comes prancing over and starts flirting with the motor running. He has a girlfriend already cat, so back off. Oh well, the little lady will have to deal with a girl name. My dad had a dog named Bowser as a kid. I didn't find out until about 6 months ago that Bowser was actually a girl dog. I guess I have a genetic link that helps me misname animals.

Just so everyone knows and quits acting surprised when I haven't seen a certain movie, I watched about 10 movies growing up. Over and over with my dad. I can quote any of them should you need a word-for-word.
1. Apple Dumpling Gang
2. Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again
3. Aladdin
4. The Pink Panther
5. The Pink Panther Strikes Again
6. Revenge of the Pink Panther
7. Heaven Can Wait
8. Hopscotch
9. Sneakers
10. Fletch
11. Fletch Lives
12. Shakiest Gun in the West

No, I have not seen....But, should you need a du-dum, du-dum, du-dum, du-dum, du-dum (please hum along in your head), I am so there.

Strike three, you're out.

I would like to say thanks to all who read my blog. I am honored that you would take the time to read my thoughts and I am always delighted to hear and read your comments. Writing is very healing and therapeutic for me, so perhaps the reading does the same for you.

So, I had to take a CPR/First Aid class on Tuesday morning. After 2.5 hours, I can now give rescue breaths, give CPR, handle all kinds of burns, fractures, strokes, asthma attacks, and heat/cold injuries. Makes you wonder why medical school takes 4 years and then residency. I mean, I got it down in 2.5 hours which is somewhere in the range of 1/1,000,000,000,000 of the time. I am just that good. However, I guess I should mention that when I was giving the first rescue breath to the mannequin, I accidentally blew my gum into her mouth. I tried to discreetly pull the gum back out without the instructor seeing me kill the patient, but it kind of stuck and as I pulled, the gum definitely got some good stretch action going. Bad scene. However, I boldly went in for the second rescue breath and this time a chunk of hair went into the mannequin’s mouth. Killed the poor girl a second time. Never fear though, next I got to practice helping a person who was choking. We are supposed to tell the person to keep coughing. Instead, I accidentally said, “Good job, keep choking.” Third person dead on my watch. So, the moral of the story is this: Call 911 and then come see me and tell me how you’re feeling emotionally.

In other news, I am currently at home at 6:50pm and feeling a bit anxious. I decided to stay in tonight. By myself. This is rare for me. I love people, I love being with my friends, I love being busy. Busy is comfortable to me. I usually fall into the bed exhausted at night. More than exhausted lately. I have actually been quite overwhelmed. So, Aaron is out with the boys and I decided to be alone in my apartment. And, I just thought to myself, how long until I can fall asleep? It’s strange to need this solitude so desperately and then to really find it quite uncomfortable.

I have discovered lately that I have characteristics in myself that I really don’t like. I’m often selfish and controlling, manipulative and self-seeking. I hate those things and I’m sad when they show up. So, I’ve been praying a lot today for the removal of these yuckies. So, I have a feeling that God is going to provide me with multiple opportunities where I get to choose between myself and others, between directness and passiveness, between control and a willingness to let go and trust others. Because I find it rare that the Lord just zaps something from my life. He usually helps me train and choose between Him and myself.

I’ve also been very challenged to find my worth in the Lord lately. I’ve been looking for it in my job, in my patients’ success, in my boyfriend’s love, in my friends’ approval and time, in my relationship with Brigid. And, I’m getting reminded over and over again to stop trying so hard. To take a step back from all my stuff and exhale myself and then inhale God.

Speaking of which, I’ve been trying to meditate on more positive things lately. I’ve been doing a lot of inhaling God and exhaling Him to those around me. The speaker at my conference had us do that and I just loved it. Because I do simple prayers. I’ve never been one for the long, intense, theological discussions with the Lord. I’m a lay-it-on-the-line-with-Jesus-prayerer. So, I like inhaling Him and exhaling Him. I get that.

String cheese

The light bulb is now in place and shining brightly. The wasps' nest is now destroyed. Calzones have been made and eaten. Phase 10 has been played. A delightful way to end the weekend. Everything is better with a buddy.

I was overwhelmed by the goodness of God today. Do you ever have one of those days where you feel so loved, cherished, and blessed that is almost too much? Tonight as I watched the clouds move quickly across the sky making the stars play hide-and-seek with my eyes, I reached up to the heavens for His splendor. I encounter God every day. May I remember that I am coming into contact with his presence in each person that I encounter.

My pastor is doing a series on Job and how God portrays himself as mighty and just and powerful and good in the midst of suffering. And, then David said that God doesn't necessarily give us answers during our suffering, but he does provide his presence. As a woman, this makes wonderful, amazing sense to me. Because in the midst of my trials, I simply want someone to be a witness to my emotions. I don't really need answers, I don't need reasons. I need the presence of my God.

Comments may now be left anonymously

So much for saying screw it and staying at the surface. My class this weekend is on the 12 steps which is all about self-examination, trusting in God, and healing. I'm teetering on the edge of starting my own 12-step work. I feel like I owe it to myself and to my patients. I'm nervous because I already feel overwhelmed and out of time. I just don't know how much I can add to my life without going crazy. I'm already stressed. But, then again, it could make my life more manageable.

I always thought meditation was difficult. My the speaker pointed out today that meditation is anything I focus my thoughts on for an extended period of time. Well, hell's bells, I do that all the time. I did it this morning for three hours. I even made a list of my worries. But, good to know that I can meditate. Maybe next time I'll try thinking about something pleasant for three hours. I do believe that some things really have to be thought out. Maybe just not for three hours.

I get a lot of things done in my life. I have a full-time job, a boyfriend, some friends, I eat, sleep, exercise, take care of hygiene. These things take time. But, there are things in my life that I simply cannot seem to get done. For example, I apparently cannot remember to change a light bulb. Aaron and I finally bought me some about two weeks ago. I got one out of the box and put it on the sideboard because I can't actually reach the light. That was two weeks ago. I'll keep you updated on the progress. I do things like that though. Random, small, seemingly unimportant things that take at least a year to get done. But, candles are nice, so the light bulb just sits there collecting dust. Speaking of dusting...

I want a Dwight bobble head doll

Let's talk about the word 'mobile.' Today, I called my boyfriend and my phone kindly let me know that I was 'calling Aaron's mobile.' Does anyone actually use that word? I think I'm going to start purposely misplacing my phone and asking those around me if they've seen my mobile.

I'm going to continuing education tonight. I've had a license for approximately 8 weeks now, so I figure it's time to get back to learning what the hell I'm supposed to be doing with my patients. I actually escaped Bradford at 3:30pm today. On a Friday. My AMA patient kindly let me know at 12 noon, so disaster struck early today. Of course, I've learned to quietly slip out the back on Friday afternoons before someone sees me leaving and lets me know that a meltdown is occurring and I am responsible for taking care of it.

Today, I am tired of analyzing why I do the things I do. I say, screw it, I'm going to stay at the surface and not worry about it this weekend.

gorganzola

It is August 21, 2008. This means that I have been 26 years old for one month now. I keep forgetting that I'm 26 and telling people that I'm 25. By the time I get it right, it'll be too late.

I opened up my journal from the this time last year and read that I was about to start my last year of school. I was in the middle of a heartache. I moved in with Claire. And I was still driving the red jeep. Now, one year later, I have a full-time job, I don't have to study at night, I live in my own apartment, I'm in love with a boy, and I drive a blue XTerra named Midnight. I apparently really take delight in naming things. I named my car although I never actually say, "I'm headed out with Midnight." I do actually still look for the red jeep about once a month though. I'll stand in the middle of the parking and look around really expecting to find my baby jeep. I guess ten years does that to a girl. Anyway, back to names. I have recently named two cats, two lizards, and a gnat. The cats are Norman and Spook. The lizards are Trooper and Chaos. The gnat is gnipsy. I don't actually own any of these animals. I just see them around and figured we should become friends, which to me, means a first name basis. So, I bestowed upon them the first name that popped in my head and thus, they are. Now, I'm sure once I have a child, my brain will reverse and heaven forbid, I'll ever be able to name the poor kid. But, since Apple is taken, I'll go with kiwi or mango. Oh yeah, I'll just name my kid after my favorite fruit. Then, she'll never get made fun of or have a complex or hate me forever.

I like the stage in relationships when the other person looks at the menu and says, "ahh, I bet you would like that" and it's just what I was thinking of eating. That happened tonight with Aaron. He knew just the thing. So, to throw him off, I ordered the fetticini topped with steak. Yes, even I was surprised.

Just so you know

Candlelight is soothing and romantic until one decides to drop the rest of the match into the candle because its about to burn her fingers and then just leaves it there. Because, kid you not, ten minutes later, there will be an explosion and glass will have blow all over the kitchen due to the fact that glass and fire don't really get along that well. So, next time, blow out the match, fish it out, and try, try again.

Also, I recently received some grocery items from a dear friend who is moving out of state. I was trilled until I opened a bag of popcorn today and found that the grease had somehow separated from the kernels and everything was stale and the popcorn expired over a year ago. So, in my wisdom, I checked the large can of pineapple juice. Ah yes, expiration in 2006. Not only was that two years ago, but do realize how far in advance the expiration dates on cans are? So, we are talking about an old can of pineapple juice. Instead of throwing it away, I stuck in back in the cabinet and plan on giving it away when I move out of this apartment in a year. It'll be like a tradition. A totally pointless, delightful tradition.

Rookie

So, I'm quite terrified that I'm settling into that grown-up, settled down routine that I feared all during my growing up years. I mean, I seriously get up, go to work, workout, eat dinner, hang out with Aaron or a friend, and then go to bed. It's strange. I always balked at such a normal existence. I thought I would always be traveling the globe and would never sit too long in one place. And now, I find that I don't want to leave Birmingham. I love this city. And I find that I really enjoy my little existence in my corner of the world. Baffling, really. Just baffling. And yet, I'm extremely happy and for the most part, quite healthy. Interesting.

At church on Sunday, David was talking about the story of Job and intertwined with the sermon were two stories about loss and faith and the knowledge that God is present in our sorrows. One of the women who died, died on my birthday. And for some reason, that just struck me. I mean, I know that people are born and die each and every day all over the globe. But, on the day that I and those I love were celebrating my life, others in the same city were mourning the loss of someone they love.

Regardless of education and work experience, my job is truly fly-by-seat-of-my-pants-and-hope-for-the-bestest-possible. Today, one of my clients forcefully took his sister's car keys and cell phone and tried to head out of Bradford and run for the hills or wherever his drug dealer is. So, his mother pulled her car behind to block him and the patient almost backed his car into his mother's. Meanwhile, my supervisor is watching and the sister is yelling for someone to call the cops and I go in as backup because I am so tall and strong. So, with his mother and sister and my supervisor watching, I issue a little prayer to the heavens for guidance and wisdom and a possible return of Jesus, and coax the patient out of the car and away from his family. I eventually succeed and we go for a walk and he tells me that he has been using for the past two weekends. And my heart breaks because he is so sick. And from the outside, a guy stealing his sister's car keys and almost crashing two cars together just for the sake of running for drugs doesn't make sense. But, it did to him. He was so desperate for another fix. And that sucks. And it makes me hate addiction and drugs and alcohol and hate the devil's presence in the world. And, I long for freedom for my patients and for myself. I long for Jesus on days like this. And He's present, I can feel Him. But, there are days, I truly long to see His face. But, meanwhile, I have a job that is interesting and challenging and something that I believe in. Because one of these days, a patient is going to call me and let me know that he's still sober and recovery is totally worth it.

who knows?

This grown-up thing is harder than I thought it would be. I am currently sick, stressed, and tired. I am finding that time and money management get harder as time goes on. The twenties are just strange years. I have forwarded my mail my times than I care to remember. I have accumulated the strangest assortment of household furniture from various friends, neighbors, and thrift stores. Yet, I have solid friendships that have stood the test of time and distance. I have a better relationship with my parents now than ever. I have a really cool boyfriend who is a stable, delightfully fun individual.

I wrote those words several days ago. I don’t take much time to write any more. Frankly, I’m just pretty worn out these days. I am absolutely certain that the job will get better. But, for now, it’s wearing me out completely. I am now a primary counselor at Bradford Health Services, an inpatient drug and alcohol rehab center. I really like what I do. I do. But, the learning curve right now is just tremendous and I’m having a hard time cutting myself some slack and giving myself a bit of grace. Because I want to enter into this cottage and skillfully help each client move towards success and away from the grasp of alcoholism and disease. I want to lead groups with ease and wisdom. I want to quickly document each patient’s progress and my assessment of their treatment. However, right now, my experience is summed up in the previous experience. I am about to co-facilitate a group for 25 men ages 20-40. One of my clients has given himself a bed pass and is sleeping. The second client is standing on a chair eating a banana in order to draw attention to himself. The third client is outside fraternizing with a woman from the other cottage. And my fourth client has taken off down the hill because he’s mad that I refused to meet with him right before my group started. Ah, yes, my job of kitten herder goes as such most days.

But, today it’s Sunday. Aaron and I enjoyed a relaxing weekend of buying banana split oreos, a new game, and five-dollar shoes at the ghetto K-mart. We played some rock band, hung out at the pool, and were generally lazy. It’s been a good weekend and I will go back to work tomorrow. Because it will get better. I just have to remember that I will be a better therapist in six months than I am now. And an even better one in a year. I have to remember that I am not supposed to know how to do this. I am afraid to let people know that I need help or that I’m hurting, but I’m learning how to change that. I will get up tomorrow and go to work because quitting isn’t an option and I believe it will get better. I’m thankful for today.


Well, it is now the next Sunday and here I am again. Things are getting better at work. I consider it nothing sort of the grace of God. I am still not an expert by any means, but it is getting better. I have more answers than questions most days and that is reassuring. And honestly, I am now grateful that I had the two most difficult patients of my career thus far in the first month. They taught me to relax and not work harder than my clients. They taught me to call a few bluffs. They taught me to say no. They taught me to have greater trust in this “healing process” that I keep referring to. They reminded me that I am only one person and one part in this whole healing thing. I hopefully help in some way. I will help some and not others. But, my own healing is never-ending and is and was aided by multiple people. I cannot heal my patients and I cannot expect to see quick results. I am dealing with disease and addiction and disorder and years of pain and maladaptive coping skills and I am part of a new beginning with many endings yet unknown.

Honestly, the people I work with are often more interesting than the patients. Take the most different group of people you can imagine with a myriad of counseling/social work degrees, throw them all together, and you get the staff of Bradford. I don’t know why we’re all there. Sometimes I’m not sure why I’m there.

trick candles

So, I turn 26 years old in about a week. I am getting old. I know, I know, you say, it’s just 26, but really, I have lived for almost 26 years of life. That is amazing to me. As I near a birthday I always like to review the past year and rejoice in the joys, sorrows, failures, and successes. In the past year of life, I started and completed my second year of graduate school and thereby, graduate school as a whole. This marks 19 years of study to become an educated individual. I passed my licensure exam making me a licensed graduated social worker. An LGSW people! I have just started a full time job as a counselor at Bradford Health. Woah. This attests to the fact that I am, as I like to call myself, a normal, functioning, contributing member of society. Cheers!

In the past year, I broke my ankle by tripping on a pinecone while trying to become a runner. I am, ahem, no longer running towards that goal. I then spent the next two weeks hobbling around on a black ankle that I tried to convince myself and the world wasn’t broken just so I could ski for one day and hurt more than I thought a little ankle could hurt. I then spent the next three months in a lovely black boot autographed by my nephews in sparkly permanent markers.

In the past year, I met Brigid, my little sister through Big Brothers Big Sisters. We are just crazy about each other. I love her and her family. She has blessed my life beyond anything I have done for her.

In the past year, I did individual counseling with several people. They inspired me, assured me that I am in the right field, tested me, and taught me to be patient with myself. Hopefully, their healing continues even now.

In the past year, I joined the Church of Brook Hills. I feel truly blessed by this church. I have never craved worship like I do now. I long for Sunday morning.

In the past year, I said a painful goodbye and patiently and impatiently let my heart heal. I was then surprised by a glorious hello.

In the past year, I was reminded over and over again that God keeps His promises, every single time.

In the past year, I learned that there are more things I want to do, more people I want to know, more books I want to read, more places I want to travel, more hobbies I want to enjoy than I will ever have time for. I have to be selective in my interests.

In the past year, I learned that nothing terrible happens if you change your mind.

In the past year, I learned that I cannot keep everyone happy. Impossible.

In the past year, I have become sick of the presidential election process.

In the past year, I have learned that not every battle needs to be fought.

In the past year, I have learned that my emotions are real and deserve attention whether I think they are fair or right or silly.

In the past year, I have been reminded that life is a mere circle of joy and suffering.

In the past year, I have been reminded that there are few things more powerful than an apology, laughter, a good cry, and a good night's sleep.

In the past year, I learned that it's not selfish to take care of myself first. It is however, extremely difficult and takes time and energy and a good "no" every now and again.

In the past year, I learned that I can make a living doing the very thing I want and was called to do. God is faithful.

In the past year, I learned.

"Love wins. Love always wins."

The following is an excerpt from Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom:

"Have I told you about the tension of opposites?" he says.
The tension of opposites?
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.
A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."
Sounds like a wrestling match, I say.
"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way."
So which side wins, I ask?
"Which side wins?"
He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.
"Love wins. Love always wins."

nutella

I am currently sitting in my cousin's apartment in Birmingham, England. He and his wife just moved here for his job. So, Melissa and decided to swing by for a stay since we are in the area! It's a bit surreal to be visiting my cousin in a Birmingham very far away from the Birmingham I call home. Next to me is a cup of sencha mango hot tea. I purchased the tea yesterday in Covent Gardens in a little haven of tea choices.

I do love traveling. I love the accents, the different languages, the crazy foods, the memories that exist between the people traveling together. I like the way it makes me appreciate customs different from my own and I like that it makes me appreciate my country even more.

Even though I have white skin and speak English and blend in relatively well with the British, you can absolutely tell that I am a tourist. For one, before crossing the street, I still look left, then right, then left again. No, no, Alison, the cars are coming at you from the right. Two, I don't walk in an exciting city. No, no, Alison trots, runs even. Poor Melissa, I keep leaving her behind. It took me three days to slow down and meander and saunter even. Three, the average Brit drinks several cups of tea a week. No,no, Alison drink a minimum of five cups per day. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, post-dinner, pre-sleep, etc. It is truly delightful. Four, I am an American and speak with a southern accent. No, no, in Britain Alison slips in and out of a British accent and has started saying things like "cheers" and "mind the gap" and "where is the lou?"

So, staying in Stephan and Katie's apartment is quite a treat after our hotel in London. I know, I know, you get what you pay for, but really? Melissa and I ended up having to rent a triple room because there weren't any doubles. Sweet, a little exxtra room, right? Noooooo. Three single beds pushed together, a chair, and a sink and a two inch walkway around the already stated. Oh yeah, and a hairdryer that lit on fire and blew smoke when Melissa tried to use it. Oh yeah, and a TV with four stations with horrific news about death and the elderly being taken advantage of. But, you know what, we slept like babies after walking (or running) around London for roughly twelve hours each day. However, I am still grateful for a bathroom on the same floor as our room and a carpet that is clean to walk on with bare feet.

We visited Warwick castle today. I love castles. Especially when there is a jousting tournament going on outside the castle. Somehow, I really built the jousting up in my head. I was expecting "A Knight's Tale Part II" complete with blood and spears and fire rings. No, no, it was more like WWF but with jousting. Totally rehearsed, totally hilarious. And you know it, I loved every minute of the whole silly thing.

I will post pictures as soon as I return to the states. We are off to the Lake District tomorrow and then on to Ireland....cheers!

for this moment

Rob Bell writes, "It is trusting that I am loved. That I always have been. That I always will be. I don't have to do anything. I don't have to prove anything or achieve anything or accomplish one more thing. That exactly as I am, I am totally accepted, forgiven, and there is nothing I could ever do to lose this acceptance.

God knew exactly what he was doing when he made you. There are no accidents. We need you to embrace your true identity, who you are in Christ, letting this new awareness transform your life."

As I try to find a job and prove myself worthy, intelligent, experienced, and capable, it is comforting to remember that I really don't actually have anything to prove. Because I am nothing without the grace of God.

I admitted to someone the other day that I often struggle with not feeling good enough. I worry that I won't be perfect, basically. That I won't be a good enough daughter or friend or girlfriend. That I won't accomplish enough in life or bring positive change to the world. But, then I read what David writes in Psalms 139:5: "You hem me in-behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me." Whoa. The hand of the Lord has been placed upon me. That is incredible. So, just for this moment I am going to let go of all fear of not being enough, all fear of the future, and rest in the one who has hemmed me in.

always

"The best and brightest part of my life is my beautiful nineteen month old son Bryce Austin Jackson. When Bryce was first born Bryce would not and could not go to sleep on his own. As with most infants he would have to be held, rocked, sung to, walked, and outright begged to go to sleep at times. As he grew, in order to help him develop a sense of independence, we began putting Bryce in his own crib and in his own room. In the beginning Bryce and I had the same routine. I would read him a book or two, give him a bath, give him a bottle, and then we'd turn the lights off and listen to music as I held him or let him lay on my chest. Bryce was not comfortable in the dark, unless I was holding him or letting him lay on my chest. As he got older I would keep the same routine, except after holding him for a little bit, I would put him in his crib and rub his back until he went to sleep. Finally, I slowly got to the point where I could just put Bryce in his crib, and just sit on his daybed until he went to sleep. Of course, at least once each night Bryce would poke his head up, and I would softly and simply say, "I'm right here Bryce, lay down and go to sleep." And knowing I was with him in the dark would allow him the comfort he needed to rest. Darkness, literal and metaphorical gives all of us discomfort and dis-ease.

There is something about the isolation, the blindness, the alienation, and the loneliness of darkness that causes discomfort. In darkness you not only can't see that which can hurt you, but you also can't see that which can help you. That is what scares us about darkness or dark moments in our lives. What is so profoundly interesting about comforting Bryce in the dark, is that there is nothing about my presence that changes the reality of his situation. It is still just as dark, whether I hold him, pat his back, or just let him know I'm there. However, Bryce has made up in his mind that knowing I'm there is enough for him to find rest in the midst of darkness.

Such can be the case with our relationship with God. I believe there are dark times and moments where God does not turn on the light in our lives. However, God will hold us, rock us, rub our back, or just softly say, "I am right here." In these moments, when God does not change the reality of our dark situation we have to make the decision that Bryce and every other baby must make at one point or another. We must decide that even if God's power does not change our reality, God's presence is enough to comfort us in our reality. It is at this point that we can lay our head down and find rest." ~Min. B.A. Jackson

I don't know what I would do without Jesus. I really don't. As I go through this process of trying to grow up independently and wisely, there are times I feel absolutely lost. I have made the decision to stay in Birmingham and I feel relived and unsettled. It is highly unlike me to stay in one place for very long and I'm not exactly sure what changed. But, I simply found that I didn't want to leave a place that feels like home to me. I'm extremely happy here and I couldn't find a good enough reason to leave the happiness and life that has built up around me. So now, I search for a job. There isn't much of anything worse than looking for a job, I don't think. I mean, it's fun to really think about what I want to do in my career and what I want in a job. But, it's just a bit overwhelming to figure it all out and put myself out there again and again. But somehow, my life has always worked out before. I believe God has always guided my steps even when I didn't really believe in Him. So, I am absolutely certain that I have not been brought this far to be let down now.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I cannot stop thinking about. In my dream, I was somewhere very hot with lots of strangers. I was the only person with a water bottle. And man, I really wanted to drink up all of that delightful, cool water. But, every time I would start to put the bottle to my lips, I would see the face of someone who needed the water more than me. And, every time, I would hear something telling me to go on, give the bottle away, you will receive another one. Trust me. And each time, I would battle within myself about whether or not to give the bottle away. But, it's mine! I'm thirsty and I want to drink! But, that child, look at her. She is so thirsty. You were promised more. Trust. No, I don't want to. Yes, trust. And each time, I would give the bottle away. And each time, a new bottle was immediately placed in my hands.

And since then, all I can think is trust. Just trust that God will provide. Just like he has always done.

sand dollars

Children at the beach only have to modes on the happiness dial. Mode 1=extreme exuberance and joy. Each wave is fun, each sandcastle bigger than the last, each sip of bubbly soda refreshing. Mode 2=extreme pissed offness. Suddenly the child falls in the water, gets sand in the eyes and mouth, feels the first twinge of pain from the sunburn and all goodness dries up and wailing begins. This is the truth. I've watched lots of kids this week have more fun than you could ever imagine and then, wham! the fun ends with a small speck of sand lodged in the eyeball. It's actually kind of entertaining to watch as an outsider.

Growing older is a funny thing. While the ocean is still one of the most amazing sights I have ever glimpsed, I remember it being mind-boggling as a child. It was too much to take in with all the waves and sand and birds and shells. There have been times lately, as I've had to issue apologies and make life decisions, that I've longed for the simplicity of childhood. But, somehow, I've made it bumpily along this road of twenty-five years and I'll just keep going.

together

I beseech your prayers.
Mark Holyfield is serving in Iraq. We went to high school together. His family lives next door to my parents.
My father. Please pray for healing for his foot and his side. Please pray for encouragement of his spirit.

for Natalie Bruce, with love