Do you ever get to a point in life where there is a quiet desperation that seems hopeless, overwhelming, and exhausting? And all at once, you want to be with your mother, alone, with your best friend, in the bed, on a beach, staring at the stars, and nowhere at all...definitely not in your own skin or your own misunderstood mind or left with your own crazy character defects staring you in the face. Yes, these are the ones I referred to earlier. I have no solutions. I want no sympathy. I just need something.
Today I have listened to Fernando Ortega's 'Give Me Jesus' over and over.
"In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world.
Give me Jesus.
And when I am alone,
And when I am alone,
And when I am alone,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world.
Give me Jesus.
And when I come to die,
And when I come to die,
And when I come to die,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world.
You can have all this world.
Give me jesus."
Friday, August 29, 2008
The B.B.
So, it is Friday and I officially quit my job. Until tomorrow morning at 8:30am. So, I, being the badass, am quitting for the next sixteen and half hours. It has been a good, actually calm week. No major crisis, no personality disorders, no almost-wrecked cars, and I haven't been fired. As of today, I have officially worked at Bradford for two months. I cannot believe how quickly time passes. If people want a good reality show, they should film one at Bradford. It is the most chaotic, strange place I have ever worked. That's including restaurants, people. But, somehow, I get a caseload and patients come and go and life goes on in the Bradford bubble. Hopefully, a patient or two gets recovery along the way.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
smug, what a great word
So, I live in an old apartment building. My apartment has creaky hardwood floors, black and white tile in the kitchen, a nifty chandelier over the table. Apparently, people were really skinny when this place was built. Because the door frames are tiny and the space to sit beside the kitchen table doesn’t allow for a large meal to be consumed. And, I love this little place. In spite of the lack of dishwasher and the fact that the kitchen floor gets dirty in a second and the electrical outlets are all in the wrong places..I love it. I pay the rent with money I worked hard for and the little haven of space is filled up with the oddest assortment of furniture and belongings that, for the most part, look just like me. Most of my furniture is cheap, borrowed, a gift, or a graduation gift from high school or college. But, I like it. Yea, I’d love to have a nice leather couch and some cable television and a sleigh bed for my mattress. But, I’m trying not to confuse my wants with my needs right now. All of my needs are being met. And for that, I am truly grateful.
P.S. The other great thing. I have a little box where the mailman puts my mail. And hooked to it is a chip clip. I just put my mail under the chip clip and he takes it away to mail world. I thought about getting a cute clothespin to put on the box. Maybe a pink one with my name on it. But, considering the rest of the furniture in my apartment, a chip clip makes more sense. Plus, I rarely buy chips. Except for today actually. I bought some jalapeno chips. The kettle chips kind. Love them. Better hurry if you want one though. I ate about 5 chips and that was half the bag. Always hated that about chips. Big bag. Little bit of chips. Also, just so the world knows. The best chips in the entire universe are kettle cooked Sea Salt and BALSAMIC Vinegar chips. These chips have the greatest mix of salty and sweet ever. The problem is they only seem to exist in England. I had them at my cousin’s home in Birmingham and have longed for them since. I have checked world market and whole foods. It’s a negative. Bummer. I like those chips.
P.P.S. I think I might start giving myself a different job title every day. I’ll still technically be doing the same job. I’ll just call it different things. Like tomorrow, I’m going to be an executive emotions coordinator. The next day I’ll be a recovery specialist. The following day I’ll be the mediator between good and evil. Then, the badass. Yes, just badass. And what do you do, young lady? She looks around smugly, I sir, am a badass. Peace out.
P.S. The other great thing. I have a little box where the mailman puts my mail. And hooked to it is a chip clip. I just put my mail under the chip clip and he takes it away to mail world. I thought about getting a cute clothespin to put on the box. Maybe a pink one with my name on it. But, considering the rest of the furniture in my apartment, a chip clip makes more sense. Plus, I rarely buy chips. Except for today actually. I bought some jalapeno chips. The kettle chips kind. Love them. Better hurry if you want one though. I ate about 5 chips and that was half the bag. Always hated that about chips. Big bag. Little bit of chips. Also, just so the world knows. The best chips in the entire universe are kettle cooked Sea Salt and BALSAMIC Vinegar chips. These chips have the greatest mix of salty and sweet ever. The problem is they only seem to exist in England. I had them at my cousin’s home in Birmingham and have longed for them since. I have checked world market and whole foods. It’s a negative. Bummer. I like those chips.
P.P.S. I think I might start giving myself a different job title every day. I’ll still technically be doing the same job. I’ll just call it different things. Like tomorrow, I’m going to be an executive emotions coordinator. The next day I’ll be a recovery specialist. The following day I’ll be the mediator between good and evil. Then, the badass. Yes, just badass. And what do you do, young lady? She looks around smugly, I sir, am a badass. Peace out.
just to clear the area
I forgot to mention that I think Norman, the cat, is a girl. Why? Because she has no interest in me whatsoever. But, Aaron arrives and walaaa, that pretty kitty comes prancing over and starts flirting with the motor running. He has a girlfriend already cat, so back off. Oh well, the little lady will have to deal with a girl name. My dad had a dog named Bowser as a kid. I didn't find out until about 6 months ago that Bowser was actually a girl dog. I guess I have a genetic link that helps me misname animals.
Just so everyone knows and quits acting surprised when I haven't seen a certain movie, I watched about 10 movies growing up. Over and over with my dad. I can quote any of them should you need a word-for-word.
1. Apple Dumpling Gang
2. Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again
3. Aladdin
4. The Pink Panther
5. The Pink Panther Strikes Again
6. Revenge of the Pink Panther
7. Heaven Can Wait
8. Hopscotch
9. Sneakers
10. Fletch
11. Fletch Lives
12. Shakiest Gun in the West
No, I have not seen....But, should you need a du-dum, du-dum, du-dum, du-dum, du-dum (please hum along in your head), I am so there.
Just so everyone knows and quits acting surprised when I haven't seen a certain movie, I watched about 10 movies growing up. Over and over with my dad. I can quote any of them should you need a word-for-word.
1. Apple Dumpling Gang
2. Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again
3. Aladdin
4. The Pink Panther
5. The Pink Panther Strikes Again
6. Revenge of the Pink Panther
7. Heaven Can Wait
8. Hopscotch
9. Sneakers
10. Fletch
11. Fletch Lives
12. Shakiest Gun in the West
No, I have not seen....But, should you need a du-dum, du-dum, du-dum, du-dum, du-dum (please hum along in your head), I am so there.
Strike three, you're out.
I would like to say thanks to all who read my blog. I am honored that you would take the time to read my thoughts and I am always delighted to hear and read your comments. Writing is very healing and therapeutic for me, so perhaps the reading does the same for you.
So, I had to take a CPR/First Aid class on Tuesday morning. After 2.5 hours, I can now give rescue breaths, give CPR, handle all kinds of burns, fractures, strokes, asthma attacks, and heat/cold injuries. Makes you wonder why medical school takes 4 years and then residency. I mean, I got it down in 2.5 hours which is somewhere in the range of 1/1,000,000,000,000 of the time. I am just that good. However, I guess I should mention that when I was giving the first rescue breath to the mannequin, I accidentally blew my gum into her mouth. I tried to discreetly pull the gum back out without the instructor seeing me kill the patient, but it kind of stuck and as I pulled, the gum definitely got some good stretch action going. Bad scene. However, I boldly went in for the second rescue breath and this time a chunk of hair went into the mannequin’s mouth. Killed the poor girl a second time. Never fear though, next I got to practice helping a person who was choking. We are supposed to tell the person to keep coughing. Instead, I accidentally said, “Good job, keep choking.” Third person dead on my watch. So, the moral of the story is this: Call 911 and then come see me and tell me how you’re feeling emotionally.
In other news, I am currently at home at 6:50pm and feeling a bit anxious. I decided to stay in tonight. By myself. This is rare for me. I love people, I love being with my friends, I love being busy. Busy is comfortable to me. I usually fall into the bed exhausted at night. More than exhausted lately. I have actually been quite overwhelmed. So, Aaron is out with the boys and I decided to be alone in my apartment. And, I just thought to myself, how long until I can fall asleep? It’s strange to need this solitude so desperately and then to really find it quite uncomfortable.
I have discovered lately that I have characteristics in myself that I really don’t like. I’m often selfish and controlling, manipulative and self-seeking. I hate those things and I’m sad when they show up. So, I’ve been praying a lot today for the removal of these yuckies. So, I have a feeling that God is going to provide me with multiple opportunities where I get to choose between myself and others, between directness and passiveness, between control and a willingness to let go and trust others. Because I find it rare that the Lord just zaps something from my life. He usually helps me train and choose between Him and myself.
I’ve also been very challenged to find my worth in the Lord lately. I’ve been looking for it in my job, in my patients’ success, in my boyfriend’s love, in my friends’ approval and time, in my relationship with Brigid. And, I’m getting reminded over and over again to stop trying so hard. To take a step back from all my stuff and exhale myself and then inhale God.
Speaking of which, I’ve been trying to meditate on more positive things lately. I’ve been doing a lot of inhaling God and exhaling Him to those around me. The speaker at my conference had us do that and I just loved it. Because I do simple prayers. I’ve never been one for the long, intense, theological discussions with the Lord. I’m a lay-it-on-the-line-with-Jesus-prayerer. So, I like inhaling Him and exhaling Him. I get that.
So, I had to take a CPR/First Aid class on Tuesday morning. After 2.5 hours, I can now give rescue breaths, give CPR, handle all kinds of burns, fractures, strokes, asthma attacks, and heat/cold injuries. Makes you wonder why medical school takes 4 years and then residency. I mean, I got it down in 2.5 hours which is somewhere in the range of 1/1,000,000,000,000 of the time. I am just that good. However, I guess I should mention that when I was giving the first rescue breath to the mannequin, I accidentally blew my gum into her mouth. I tried to discreetly pull the gum back out without the instructor seeing me kill the patient, but it kind of stuck and as I pulled, the gum definitely got some good stretch action going. Bad scene. However, I boldly went in for the second rescue breath and this time a chunk of hair went into the mannequin’s mouth. Killed the poor girl a second time. Never fear though, next I got to practice helping a person who was choking. We are supposed to tell the person to keep coughing. Instead, I accidentally said, “Good job, keep choking.” Third person dead on my watch. So, the moral of the story is this: Call 911 and then come see me and tell me how you’re feeling emotionally.
In other news, I am currently at home at 6:50pm and feeling a bit anxious. I decided to stay in tonight. By myself. This is rare for me. I love people, I love being with my friends, I love being busy. Busy is comfortable to me. I usually fall into the bed exhausted at night. More than exhausted lately. I have actually been quite overwhelmed. So, Aaron is out with the boys and I decided to be alone in my apartment. And, I just thought to myself, how long until I can fall asleep? It’s strange to need this solitude so desperately and then to really find it quite uncomfortable.
I have discovered lately that I have characteristics in myself that I really don’t like. I’m often selfish and controlling, manipulative and self-seeking. I hate those things and I’m sad when they show up. So, I’ve been praying a lot today for the removal of these yuckies. So, I have a feeling that God is going to provide me with multiple opportunities where I get to choose between myself and others, between directness and passiveness, between control and a willingness to let go and trust others. Because I find it rare that the Lord just zaps something from my life. He usually helps me train and choose between Him and myself.
I’ve also been very challenged to find my worth in the Lord lately. I’ve been looking for it in my job, in my patients’ success, in my boyfriend’s love, in my friends’ approval and time, in my relationship with Brigid. And, I’m getting reminded over and over again to stop trying so hard. To take a step back from all my stuff and exhale myself and then inhale God.
Speaking of which, I’ve been trying to meditate on more positive things lately. I’ve been doing a lot of inhaling God and exhaling Him to those around me. The speaker at my conference had us do that and I just loved it. Because I do simple prayers. I’ve never been one for the long, intense, theological discussions with the Lord. I’m a lay-it-on-the-line-with-Jesus-prayerer. So, I like inhaling Him and exhaling Him. I get that.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
String cheese
The light bulb is now in place and shining brightly. The wasps' nest is now destroyed. Calzones have been made and eaten. Phase 10 has been played. A delightful way to end the weekend. Everything is better with a buddy.
I was overwhelmed by the goodness of God today. Do you ever have one of those days where you feel so loved, cherished, and blessed that is almost too much? Tonight as I watched the clouds move quickly across the sky making the stars play hide-and-seek with my eyes, I reached up to the heavens for His splendor. I encounter God every day. May I remember that I am coming into contact with his presence in each person that I encounter.
My pastor is doing a series on Job and how God portrays himself as mighty and just and powerful and good in the midst of suffering. And, then David said that God doesn't necessarily give us answers during our suffering, but he does provide his presence. As a woman, this makes wonderful, amazing sense to me. Because in the midst of my trials, I simply want someone to be a witness to my emotions. I don't really need answers, I don't need reasons. I need the presence of my God.
I was overwhelmed by the goodness of God today. Do you ever have one of those days where you feel so loved, cherished, and blessed that is almost too much? Tonight as I watched the clouds move quickly across the sky making the stars play hide-and-seek with my eyes, I reached up to the heavens for His splendor. I encounter God every day. May I remember that I am coming into contact with his presence in each person that I encounter.
My pastor is doing a series on Job and how God portrays himself as mighty and just and powerful and good in the midst of suffering. And, then David said that God doesn't necessarily give us answers during our suffering, but he does provide his presence. As a woman, this makes wonderful, amazing sense to me. Because in the midst of my trials, I simply want someone to be a witness to my emotions. I don't really need answers, I don't need reasons. I need the presence of my God.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Comments may now be left anonymously
So much for saying screw it and staying at the surface. My class this weekend is on the 12 steps which is all about self-examination, trusting in God, and healing. I'm teetering on the edge of starting my own 12-step work. I feel like I owe it to myself and to my patients. I'm nervous because I already feel overwhelmed and out of time. I just don't know how much I can add to my life without going crazy. I'm already stressed. But, then again, it could make my life more manageable.
I always thought meditation was difficult. My the speaker pointed out today that meditation is anything I focus my thoughts on for an extended period of time. Well, hell's bells, I do that all the time. I did it this morning for three hours. I even made a list of my worries. But, good to know that I can meditate. Maybe next time I'll try thinking about something pleasant for three hours. I do believe that some things really have to be thought out. Maybe just not for three hours.
I get a lot of things done in my life. I have a full-time job, a boyfriend, some friends, I eat, sleep, exercise, take care of hygiene. These things take time. But, there are things in my life that I simply cannot seem to get done. For example, I apparently cannot remember to change a light bulb. Aaron and I finally bought me some about two weeks ago. I got one out of the box and put it on the sideboard because I can't actually reach the light. That was two weeks ago. I'll keep you updated on the progress. I do things like that though. Random, small, seemingly unimportant things that take at least a year to get done. But, candles are nice, so the light bulb just sits there collecting dust. Speaking of dusting...
I always thought meditation was difficult. My the speaker pointed out today that meditation is anything I focus my thoughts on for an extended period of time. Well, hell's bells, I do that all the time. I did it this morning for three hours. I even made a list of my worries. But, good to know that I can meditate. Maybe next time I'll try thinking about something pleasant for three hours. I do believe that some things really have to be thought out. Maybe just not for three hours.
I get a lot of things done in my life. I have a full-time job, a boyfriend, some friends, I eat, sleep, exercise, take care of hygiene. These things take time. But, there are things in my life that I simply cannot seem to get done. For example, I apparently cannot remember to change a light bulb. Aaron and I finally bought me some about two weeks ago. I got one out of the box and put it on the sideboard because I can't actually reach the light. That was two weeks ago. I'll keep you updated on the progress. I do things like that though. Random, small, seemingly unimportant things that take at least a year to get done. But, candles are nice, so the light bulb just sits there collecting dust. Speaking of dusting...
Friday, August 22, 2008
I want a Dwight bobble head doll
Let's talk about the word 'mobile.' Today, I called my boyfriend and my phone kindly let me know that I was 'calling Aaron's mobile.' Does anyone actually use that word? I think I'm going to start purposely misplacing my phone and asking those around me if they've seen my mobile.
I'm going to continuing education tonight. I've had a license for approximately 8 weeks now, so I figure it's time to get back to learning what the hell I'm supposed to be doing with my patients. I actually escaped Bradford at 3:30pm today. On a Friday. My AMA patient kindly let me know at 12 noon, so disaster struck early today. Of course, I've learned to quietly slip out the back on Friday afternoons before someone sees me leaving and lets me know that a meltdown is occurring and I am responsible for taking care of it.
Today, I am tired of analyzing why I do the things I do. I say, screw it, I'm going to stay at the surface and not worry about it this weekend.
I'm going to continuing education tonight. I've had a license for approximately 8 weeks now, so I figure it's time to get back to learning what the hell I'm supposed to be doing with my patients. I actually escaped Bradford at 3:30pm today. On a Friday. My AMA patient kindly let me know at 12 noon, so disaster struck early today. Of course, I've learned to quietly slip out the back on Friday afternoons before someone sees me leaving and lets me know that a meltdown is occurring and I am responsible for taking care of it.
Today, I am tired of analyzing why I do the things I do. I say, screw it, I'm going to stay at the surface and not worry about it this weekend.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
gorganzola
It is August 21, 2008. This means that I have been 26 years old for one month now. I keep forgetting that I'm 26 and telling people that I'm 25. By the time I get it right, it'll be too late.
I opened up my journal from the this time last year and read that I was about to start my last year of school. I was in the middle of a heartache. I moved in with Claire. And I was still driving the red jeep. Now, one year later, I have a full-time job, I don't have to study at night, I live in my own apartment, I'm in love with a boy, and I drive a blue XTerra named Midnight. I apparently really take delight in naming things. I named my car although I never actually say, "I'm headed out with Midnight." I do actually still look for the red jeep about once a month though. I'll stand in the middle of the parking and look around really expecting to find my baby jeep. I guess ten years does that to a girl. Anyway, back to names. I have recently named two cats, two lizards, and a gnat. The cats are Norman and Spook. The lizards are Trooper and Chaos. The gnat is gnipsy. I don't actually own any of these animals. I just see them around and figured we should become friends, which to me, means a first name basis. So, I bestowed upon them the first name that popped in my head and thus, they are. Now, I'm sure once I have a child, my brain will reverse and heaven forbid, I'll ever be able to name the poor kid. But, since Apple is taken, I'll go with kiwi or mango. Oh yeah, I'll just name my kid after my favorite fruit. Then, she'll never get made fun of or have a complex or hate me forever.
I like the stage in relationships when the other person looks at the menu and says, "ahh, I bet you would like that" and it's just what I was thinking of eating. That happened tonight with Aaron. He knew just the thing. So, to throw him off, I ordered the fetticini topped with steak. Yes, even I was surprised.
I opened up my journal from the this time last year and read that I was about to start my last year of school. I was in the middle of a heartache. I moved in with Claire. And I was still driving the red jeep. Now, one year later, I have a full-time job, I don't have to study at night, I live in my own apartment, I'm in love with a boy, and I drive a blue XTerra named Midnight. I apparently really take delight in naming things. I named my car although I never actually say, "I'm headed out with Midnight." I do actually still look for the red jeep about once a month though. I'll stand in the middle of the parking and look around really expecting to find my baby jeep. I guess ten years does that to a girl. Anyway, back to names. I have recently named two cats, two lizards, and a gnat. The cats are Norman and Spook. The lizards are Trooper and Chaos. The gnat is gnipsy. I don't actually own any of these animals. I just see them around and figured we should become friends, which to me, means a first name basis. So, I bestowed upon them the first name that popped in my head and thus, they are. Now, I'm sure once I have a child, my brain will reverse and heaven forbid, I'll ever be able to name the poor kid. But, since Apple is taken, I'll go with kiwi or mango. Oh yeah, I'll just name my kid after my favorite fruit. Then, she'll never get made fun of or have a complex or hate me forever.
I like the stage in relationships when the other person looks at the menu and says, "ahh, I bet you would like that" and it's just what I was thinking of eating. That happened tonight with Aaron. He knew just the thing. So, to throw him off, I ordered the fetticini topped with steak. Yes, even I was surprised.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Just so you know
Candlelight is soothing and romantic until one decides to drop the rest of the match into the candle because its about to burn her fingers and then just leaves it there. Because, kid you not, ten minutes later, there will be an explosion and glass will have blow all over the kitchen due to the fact that glass and fire don't really get along that well. So, next time, blow out the match, fish it out, and try, try again.
Also, I recently received some grocery items from a dear friend who is moving out of state. I was trilled until I opened a bag of popcorn today and found that the grease had somehow separated from the kernels and everything was stale and the popcorn expired over a year ago. So, in my wisdom, I checked the large can of pineapple juice. Ah yes, expiration in 2006. Not only was that two years ago, but do realize how far in advance the expiration dates on cans are? So, we are talking about an old can of pineapple juice. Instead of throwing it away, I stuck in back in the cabinet and plan on giving it away when I move out of this apartment in a year. It'll be like a tradition. A totally pointless, delightful tradition.
Also, I recently received some grocery items from a dear friend who is moving out of state. I was trilled until I opened a bag of popcorn today and found that the grease had somehow separated from the kernels and everything was stale and the popcorn expired over a year ago. So, in my wisdom, I checked the large can of pineapple juice. Ah yes, expiration in 2006. Not only was that two years ago, but do realize how far in advance the expiration dates on cans are? So, we are talking about an old can of pineapple juice. Instead of throwing it away, I stuck in back in the cabinet and plan on giving it away when I move out of this apartment in a year. It'll be like a tradition. A totally pointless, delightful tradition.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Rookie
So, I'm quite terrified that I'm settling into that grown-up, settled down routine that I feared all during my growing up years. I mean, I seriously get up, go to work, workout, eat dinner, hang out with Aaron or a friend, and then go to bed. It's strange. I always balked at such a normal existence. I thought I would always be traveling the globe and would never sit too long in one place. And now, I find that I don't want to leave Birmingham. I love this city. And I find that I really enjoy my little existence in my corner of the world. Baffling, really. Just baffling. And yet, I'm extremely happy and for the most part, quite healthy. Interesting.
At church on Sunday, David was talking about the story of Job and intertwined with the sermon were two stories about loss and faith and the knowledge that God is present in our sorrows. One of the women who died, died on my birthday. And for some reason, that just struck me. I mean, I know that people are born and die each and every day all over the globe. But, on the day that I and those I love were celebrating my life, others in the same city were mourning the loss of someone they love.
Regardless of education and work experience, my job is truly fly-by-seat-of-my-pants-and-hope-for-the-bestest-possible. Today, one of my clients forcefully took his sister's car keys and cell phone and tried to head out of Bradford and run for the hills or wherever his drug dealer is. So, his mother pulled her car behind to block him and the patient almost backed his car into his mother's. Meanwhile, my supervisor is watching and the sister is yelling for someone to call the cops and I go in as backup because I am so tall and strong. So, with his mother and sister and my supervisor watching, I issue a little prayer to the heavens for guidance and wisdom and a possible return of Jesus, and coax the patient out of the car and away from his family. I eventually succeed and we go for a walk and he tells me that he has been using for the past two weekends. And my heart breaks because he is so sick. And from the outside, a guy stealing his sister's car keys and almost crashing two cars together just for the sake of running for drugs doesn't make sense. But, it did to him. He was so desperate for another fix. And that sucks. And it makes me hate addiction and drugs and alcohol and hate the devil's presence in the world. And, I long for freedom for my patients and for myself. I long for Jesus on days like this. And He's present, I can feel Him. But, there are days, I truly long to see His face. But, meanwhile, I have a job that is interesting and challenging and something that I believe in. Because one of these days, a patient is going to call me and let me know that he's still sober and recovery is totally worth it.
At church on Sunday, David was talking about the story of Job and intertwined with the sermon were two stories about loss and faith and the knowledge that God is present in our sorrows. One of the women who died, died on my birthday. And for some reason, that just struck me. I mean, I know that people are born and die each and every day all over the globe. But, on the day that I and those I love were celebrating my life, others in the same city were mourning the loss of someone they love.
Regardless of education and work experience, my job is truly fly-by-seat-of-my-pants-and-hope-for-the-bestest-possible. Today, one of my clients forcefully took his sister's car keys and cell phone and tried to head out of Bradford and run for the hills or wherever his drug dealer is. So, his mother pulled her car behind to block him and the patient almost backed his car into his mother's. Meanwhile, my supervisor is watching and the sister is yelling for someone to call the cops and I go in as backup because I am so tall and strong. So, with his mother and sister and my supervisor watching, I issue a little prayer to the heavens for guidance and wisdom and a possible return of Jesus, and coax the patient out of the car and away from his family. I eventually succeed and we go for a walk and he tells me that he has been using for the past two weekends. And my heart breaks because he is so sick. And from the outside, a guy stealing his sister's car keys and almost crashing two cars together just for the sake of running for drugs doesn't make sense. But, it did to him. He was so desperate for another fix. And that sucks. And it makes me hate addiction and drugs and alcohol and hate the devil's presence in the world. And, I long for freedom for my patients and for myself. I long for Jesus on days like this. And He's present, I can feel Him. But, there are days, I truly long to see His face. But, meanwhile, I have a job that is interesting and challenging and something that I believe in. Because one of these days, a patient is going to call me and let me know that he's still sober and recovery is totally worth it.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
who knows?
This grown-up thing is harder than I thought it would be. I am currently sick, stressed, and tired. I am finding that time and money management get harder as time goes on. The twenties are just strange years. I have forwarded my mail my times than I care to remember. I have accumulated the strangest assortment of household furniture from various friends, neighbors, and thrift stores. Yet, I have solid friendships that have stood the test of time and distance. I have a better relationship with my parents now than ever. I have a really cool boyfriend who is a stable, delightfully fun individual.
I wrote those words several days ago. I don’t take much time to write any more. Frankly, I’m just pretty worn out these days. I am absolutely certain that the job will get better. But, for now, it’s wearing me out completely. I am now a primary counselor at Bradford Health Services, an inpatient drug and alcohol rehab center. I really like what I do. I do. But, the learning curve right now is just tremendous and I’m having a hard time cutting myself some slack and giving myself a bit of grace. Because I want to enter into this cottage and skillfully help each client move towards success and away from the grasp of alcoholism and disease. I want to lead groups with ease and wisdom. I want to quickly document each patient’s progress and my assessment of their treatment. However, right now, my experience is summed up in the previous experience. I am about to co-facilitate a group for 25 men ages 20-40. One of my clients has given himself a bed pass and is sleeping. The second client is standing on a chair eating a banana in order to draw attention to himself. The third client is outside fraternizing with a woman from the other cottage. And my fourth client has taken off down the hill because he’s mad that I refused to meet with him right before my group started. Ah, yes, my job of kitten herder goes as such most days.
But, today it’s Sunday. Aaron and I enjoyed a relaxing weekend of buying banana split oreos, a new game, and five-dollar shoes at the ghetto K-mart. We played some rock band, hung out at the pool, and were generally lazy. It’s been a good weekend and I will go back to work tomorrow. Because it will get better. I just have to remember that I will be a better therapist in six months than I am now. And an even better one in a year. I have to remember that I am not supposed to know how to do this. I am afraid to let people know that I need help or that I’m hurting, but I’m learning how to change that. I will get up tomorrow and go to work because quitting isn’t an option and I believe it will get better. I’m thankful for today.
Well, it is now the next Sunday and here I am again. Things are getting better at work. I consider it nothing sort of the grace of God. I am still not an expert by any means, but it is getting better. I have more answers than questions most days and that is reassuring. And honestly, I am now grateful that I had the two most difficult patients of my career thus far in the first month. They taught me to relax and not work harder than my clients. They taught me to call a few bluffs. They taught me to say no. They taught me to have greater trust in this “healing process” that I keep referring to. They reminded me that I am only one person and one part in this whole healing thing. I hopefully help in some way. I will help some and not others. But, my own healing is never-ending and is and was aided by multiple people. I cannot heal my patients and I cannot expect to see quick results. I am dealing with disease and addiction and disorder and years of pain and maladaptive coping skills and I am part of a new beginning with many endings yet unknown.
Honestly, the people I work with are often more interesting than the patients. Take the most different group of people you can imagine with a myriad of counseling/social work degrees, throw them all together, and you get the staff of Bradford. I don’t know why we’re all there. Sometimes I’m not sure why I’m there.
I wrote those words several days ago. I don’t take much time to write any more. Frankly, I’m just pretty worn out these days. I am absolutely certain that the job will get better. But, for now, it’s wearing me out completely. I am now a primary counselor at Bradford Health Services, an inpatient drug and alcohol rehab center. I really like what I do. I do. But, the learning curve right now is just tremendous and I’m having a hard time cutting myself some slack and giving myself a bit of grace. Because I want to enter into this cottage and skillfully help each client move towards success and away from the grasp of alcoholism and disease. I want to lead groups with ease and wisdom. I want to quickly document each patient’s progress and my assessment of their treatment. However, right now, my experience is summed up in the previous experience. I am about to co-facilitate a group for 25 men ages 20-40. One of my clients has given himself a bed pass and is sleeping. The second client is standing on a chair eating a banana in order to draw attention to himself. The third client is outside fraternizing with a woman from the other cottage. And my fourth client has taken off down the hill because he’s mad that I refused to meet with him right before my group started. Ah, yes, my job of kitten herder goes as such most days.
But, today it’s Sunday. Aaron and I enjoyed a relaxing weekend of buying banana split oreos, a new game, and five-dollar shoes at the ghetto K-mart. We played some rock band, hung out at the pool, and were generally lazy. It’s been a good weekend and I will go back to work tomorrow. Because it will get better. I just have to remember that I will be a better therapist in six months than I am now. And an even better one in a year. I have to remember that I am not supposed to know how to do this. I am afraid to let people know that I need help or that I’m hurting, but I’m learning how to change that. I will get up tomorrow and go to work because quitting isn’t an option and I believe it will get better. I’m thankful for today.
Well, it is now the next Sunday and here I am again. Things are getting better at work. I consider it nothing sort of the grace of God. I am still not an expert by any means, but it is getting better. I have more answers than questions most days and that is reassuring. And honestly, I am now grateful that I had the two most difficult patients of my career thus far in the first month. They taught me to relax and not work harder than my clients. They taught me to call a few bluffs. They taught me to say no. They taught me to have greater trust in this “healing process” that I keep referring to. They reminded me that I am only one person and one part in this whole healing thing. I hopefully help in some way. I will help some and not others. But, my own healing is never-ending and is and was aided by multiple people. I cannot heal my patients and I cannot expect to see quick results. I am dealing with disease and addiction and disorder and years of pain and maladaptive coping skills and I am part of a new beginning with many endings yet unknown.
Honestly, the people I work with are often more interesting than the patients. Take the most different group of people you can imagine with a myriad of counseling/social work degrees, throw them all together, and you get the staff of Bradford. I don’t know why we’re all there. Sometimes I’m not sure why I’m there.
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