nutella

I am currently sitting in my cousin's apartment in Birmingham, England. He and his wife just moved here for his job. So, Melissa and decided to swing by for a stay since we are in the area! It's a bit surreal to be visiting my cousin in a Birmingham very far away from the Birmingham I call home. Next to me is a cup of sencha mango hot tea. I purchased the tea yesterday in Covent Gardens in a little haven of tea choices.

I do love traveling. I love the accents, the different languages, the crazy foods, the memories that exist between the people traveling together. I like the way it makes me appreciate customs different from my own and I like that it makes me appreciate my country even more.

Even though I have white skin and speak English and blend in relatively well with the British, you can absolutely tell that I am a tourist. For one, before crossing the street, I still look left, then right, then left again. No, no, Alison, the cars are coming at you from the right. Two, I don't walk in an exciting city. No, no, Alison trots, runs even. Poor Melissa, I keep leaving her behind. It took me three days to slow down and meander and saunter even. Three, the average Brit drinks several cups of tea a week. No,no, Alison drink a minimum of five cups per day. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, post-dinner, pre-sleep, etc. It is truly delightful. Four, I am an American and speak with a southern accent. No, no, in Britain Alison slips in and out of a British accent and has started saying things like "cheers" and "mind the gap" and "where is the lou?"

So, staying in Stephan and Katie's apartment is quite a treat after our hotel in London. I know, I know, you get what you pay for, but really? Melissa and I ended up having to rent a triple room because there weren't any doubles. Sweet, a little exxtra room, right? Noooooo. Three single beds pushed together, a chair, and a sink and a two inch walkway around the already stated. Oh yeah, and a hairdryer that lit on fire and blew smoke when Melissa tried to use it. Oh yeah, and a TV with four stations with horrific news about death and the elderly being taken advantage of. But, you know what, we slept like babies after walking (or running) around London for roughly twelve hours each day. However, I am still grateful for a bathroom on the same floor as our room and a carpet that is clean to walk on with bare feet.

We visited Warwick castle today. I love castles. Especially when there is a jousting tournament going on outside the castle. Somehow, I really built the jousting up in my head. I was expecting "A Knight's Tale Part II" complete with blood and spears and fire rings. No, no, it was more like WWF but with jousting. Totally rehearsed, totally hilarious. And you know it, I loved every minute of the whole silly thing.

I will post pictures as soon as I return to the states. We are off to the Lake District tomorrow and then on to Ireland....cheers!

for this moment

Rob Bell writes, "It is trusting that I am loved. That I always have been. That I always will be. I don't have to do anything. I don't have to prove anything or achieve anything or accomplish one more thing. That exactly as I am, I am totally accepted, forgiven, and there is nothing I could ever do to lose this acceptance.

God knew exactly what he was doing when he made you. There are no accidents. We need you to embrace your true identity, who you are in Christ, letting this new awareness transform your life."

As I try to find a job and prove myself worthy, intelligent, experienced, and capable, it is comforting to remember that I really don't actually have anything to prove. Because I am nothing without the grace of God.

I admitted to someone the other day that I often struggle with not feeling good enough. I worry that I won't be perfect, basically. That I won't be a good enough daughter or friend or girlfriend. That I won't accomplish enough in life or bring positive change to the world. But, then I read what David writes in Psalms 139:5: "You hem me in-behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me." Whoa. The hand of the Lord has been placed upon me. That is incredible. So, just for this moment I am going to let go of all fear of not being enough, all fear of the future, and rest in the one who has hemmed me in.

always

"The best and brightest part of my life is my beautiful nineteen month old son Bryce Austin Jackson. When Bryce was first born Bryce would not and could not go to sleep on his own. As with most infants he would have to be held, rocked, sung to, walked, and outright begged to go to sleep at times. As he grew, in order to help him develop a sense of independence, we began putting Bryce in his own crib and in his own room. In the beginning Bryce and I had the same routine. I would read him a book or two, give him a bath, give him a bottle, and then we'd turn the lights off and listen to music as I held him or let him lay on my chest. Bryce was not comfortable in the dark, unless I was holding him or letting him lay on my chest. As he got older I would keep the same routine, except after holding him for a little bit, I would put him in his crib and rub his back until he went to sleep. Finally, I slowly got to the point where I could just put Bryce in his crib, and just sit on his daybed until he went to sleep. Of course, at least once each night Bryce would poke his head up, and I would softly and simply say, "I'm right here Bryce, lay down and go to sleep." And knowing I was with him in the dark would allow him the comfort he needed to rest. Darkness, literal and metaphorical gives all of us discomfort and dis-ease.

There is something about the isolation, the blindness, the alienation, and the loneliness of darkness that causes discomfort. In darkness you not only can't see that which can hurt you, but you also can't see that which can help you. That is what scares us about darkness or dark moments in our lives. What is so profoundly interesting about comforting Bryce in the dark, is that there is nothing about my presence that changes the reality of his situation. It is still just as dark, whether I hold him, pat his back, or just let him know I'm there. However, Bryce has made up in his mind that knowing I'm there is enough for him to find rest in the midst of darkness.

Such can be the case with our relationship with God. I believe there are dark times and moments where God does not turn on the light in our lives. However, God will hold us, rock us, rub our back, or just softly say, "I am right here." In these moments, when God does not change the reality of our dark situation we have to make the decision that Bryce and every other baby must make at one point or another. We must decide that even if God's power does not change our reality, God's presence is enough to comfort us in our reality. It is at this point that we can lay our head down and find rest." ~Min. B.A. Jackson

I don't know what I would do without Jesus. I really don't. As I go through this process of trying to grow up independently and wisely, there are times I feel absolutely lost. I have made the decision to stay in Birmingham and I feel relived and unsettled. It is highly unlike me to stay in one place for very long and I'm not exactly sure what changed. But, I simply found that I didn't want to leave a place that feels like home to me. I'm extremely happy here and I couldn't find a good enough reason to leave the happiness and life that has built up around me. So now, I search for a job. There isn't much of anything worse than looking for a job, I don't think. I mean, it's fun to really think about what I want to do in my career and what I want in a job. But, it's just a bit overwhelming to figure it all out and put myself out there again and again. But somehow, my life has always worked out before. I believe God has always guided my steps even when I didn't really believe in Him. So, I am absolutely certain that I have not been brought this far to be let down now.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I cannot stop thinking about. In my dream, I was somewhere very hot with lots of strangers. I was the only person with a water bottle. And man, I really wanted to drink up all of that delightful, cool water. But, every time I would start to put the bottle to my lips, I would see the face of someone who needed the water more than me. And, every time, I would hear something telling me to go on, give the bottle away, you will receive another one. Trust me. And each time, I would battle within myself about whether or not to give the bottle away. But, it's mine! I'm thirsty and I want to drink! But, that child, look at her. She is so thirsty. You were promised more. Trust. No, I don't want to. Yes, trust. And each time, I would give the bottle away. And each time, a new bottle was immediately placed in my hands.

And since then, all I can think is trust. Just trust that God will provide. Just like he has always done.

sand dollars

Children at the beach only have to modes on the happiness dial. Mode 1=extreme exuberance and joy. Each wave is fun, each sandcastle bigger than the last, each sip of bubbly soda refreshing. Mode 2=extreme pissed offness. Suddenly the child falls in the water, gets sand in the eyes and mouth, feels the first twinge of pain from the sunburn and all goodness dries up and wailing begins. This is the truth. I've watched lots of kids this week have more fun than you could ever imagine and then, wham! the fun ends with a small speck of sand lodged in the eyeball. It's actually kind of entertaining to watch as an outsider.

Growing older is a funny thing. While the ocean is still one of the most amazing sights I have ever glimpsed, I remember it being mind-boggling as a child. It was too much to take in with all the waves and sand and birds and shells. There have been times lately, as I've had to issue apologies and make life decisions, that I've longed for the simplicity of childhood. But, somehow, I've made it bumpily along this road of twenty-five years and I'll just keep going.

together

I beseech your prayers.
Mark Holyfield is serving in Iraq. We went to high school together. His family lives next door to my parents.
My father. Please pray for healing for his foot and his side. Please pray for encouragement of his spirit.

for Natalie Bruce, with love

something like it

I made 240 ounces of strawberry jam. Yes, you read that correctly. That's 30-8 ounce jars of delightful, bright red strawberry jam. Obviously, I don't do bored. Speak now to receive strawberry jam or forever hold your peace. I am glad I looked in the mirror this morning before leaving the house. I had apparently pushed some hair out of my face and inadvertently smeared strawberry juice all over my cheek leaving the impression of blood. Not attractive and a little bit like a horror movie at 10am. On that note, here are the wonderful lyrics that I listened to over and over as I made jam. (I have the habit of listening to one song or CD relentlessly until I move to the next song or CD as my ears so lead.)

"Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the life, you are the way

My dead heart now is beating,
My deepest stains now clean.
Your breath fills up my lungs.
Now I'm free. now I'm free!"