This bumpy road of life

"Today I choose peace." On the way home to Nashville on Thursday morning, I tuned in to a phone OA meeting. There were 47 of us listening and sharing during the phone session from all corners of the United States. It was neat to be part of a group of people who were seeking peace, serenity, and abstinence on a food centered holiday. We discovered together how to change our perspective so that Thanksgiving became a day about love amoung family and friends and not a day about pumpkin pie and macaroni and cheese. One of the women said, "today I choose peace." I have repeated that phrase to myself over and over again since hearing it on Thursday morning. I did not choose to have problems with food, but now that I have established some self-awareness, I can choose health and abstinence over bingeing and obsession. Because food has ceased to be a remedy for life's problems anymore. Instead, any toes dipped into the pool of over or undereating simple leads to further food obsession, a surfacing of all my character defects, and an inability to successfully handle life's problems. In spite of this knowledge, I still dip a toe in every now and again just to be sure that I have not suddenly, magically morphed into a "normal" eater. I am always disappointed, but never surprised to learn that I am still me, food problems and all. I recently started going to OA and am absolutely in love with the fellowship and hope that I receive, and hopefully give, when I attend the meetings. I have a sponsor too. I choose her because of her smile, her story that was encompassed so much of mine, and to be honest, because she was wearing this super cool bandana that let me know about her fun spirit. I talk to her each evening and am always delighted to hear her words of hope, insight, and encouragement. She gets it.
I am sitting in Detroit right now at Amy Brown's home. It is snowing outside and quite cold. The snowflakes are enormous, just like the ones that fell on Julie Andrew's nose and eyelashes. But, I am inside with a cup of hot peach/mango tea and all is well in my world. I don't go in to work tomorrow. It's strange to know that the world of Bradford continues without me and I am glad to know that I miss my job and the fun people I work with.
I am feeling very grateful today. Lately, I have struggled with focusing on the one thing missing from my life (a man to love and be loved by) instead of the many mercies I have present. I have been having almost secondary withdrawls from the break-up with Aaron and some renewed anger. So, I put my time with Aaron on my gratitude list. Even though I don't really feel that grateful, I want to become grateful in this time, in this moment. And sometimes I just have to start by making myself do something uncomfortable. Because I am seeing the presence of God daily in my life. And this morning I sang about God's new mercies each morning. I believe that. So, I'm going to trust in this moment that God is fully good and not just partially good. I am thankful for:
My father's health. His foot healed after 8 months. I'm thankful that my brother was able to talk him into going to the pain clinic, something I didn't think possible for him to allow for himself.
The awareness that my mother has developed about our relationship. There has been healing there, people.
My sister-in-law's. Those women stand like pillars next to my brothers and have never strayed an inch. I love them simply for that.
My nephews. Never have I experienced such joy or learned so much about living life on life's terms from those little guys. They help me re-learn all the important lessons about sharing, playing fair, getting enough rest, eating healthy foods, stopping when full, loving unconditionally, losing with respect and winning with honor, speaking kindly, accepting discipline. All the good stuff.
My job. I am truly thankful for a job that I enjoy with people I enjoy. I cannot sum up the support and leadership I have received from Matt and Kelly and John. I cannot sum up the things I have had to figure out how to do in the sink or swim method. I am better for it.
Bouncy ball, kitty pictures, and fun shoes.
My friends. I have a core group that I hold dear to my heart. Amy, Amy, Melissa, Natalie, Michelle, and Donnovin.
My education. I grew up expected to go to school and at least go to college if not more. I was set up to succeed in life and for this I am grateful.
My apartment. I love my apartment with the alcove for painting, the black and white tile floor, and the sunlight pouring in through the windows.
My eating problems. I put this on the list absolutely. These problems lead me to my career, to my education, to my friends. These problems created a sense of compassion, understanding, and love that I do not believe I would have had otherwise.
My time with Aaron and the other guys too. See, I am starting in this moment.
My faith. My faith changes and varies, but I am thankful for the existence of faith and the hope of something bigger than me. I do not think my life has been left to chance. There is just no way.
This has been a bit of a mushy blog, but I have been overwhelmed with gratitude lately for the mercies I have received on this bumpy road of life. That is all.

my little buddies

pictage

Watching my Titans lose for the first time this season.
My cousins enjoying turkey legs. Yuck!
Tailgating before the game.
I spent the weekend at home in Nashville. This is a glimpse of the chaos of family time. Somehow the little boys just knew that the teenage boy cousins are cool.

Game Day 101

If there anyone who has not had the privilege of watching a football game with Kendra and myself, I would like to invite you to join the fun. Here is a sample of the game dialogue between A (Alison), K (Kendra), and M (Matthew):
K: I wonder what the quarterback has in the little fanny pack pouch.
A: Probably snacks.
K: Oh yeah, like gummy bears.
A: Or twizlers. I don't like twizlers.
K: I love the pull-apart ones.
A: I bet he has cheetos!
K and M together: Crunchy or puffy?
A: Probably crunchy.
K: Yeah, more resistant to tackling.
M: Imagine the poor guy who gets carrot sticks every single game.
A: Or celery sticks. Sad day.
Pause.
A: What's on the back of that guy's helmet?
M: Stickers. The players get them for good plays.
K: You're lying! But, is that true?
A: No, but it would be funny if they stole stickers from each other.
M: Alabama doesn't do the sticker thing any more. It was causing too many problems at practice.
K: You're lying. But, is that true?
Pause:
K: The baby's nomming beans. Baby loves to nom beans and blueberries.
Pause:
A: Saban kind of has poofy hair.
Pause:
K: I bet he has jelly beans in his pouch. Those are really durable.

The End.

simply live

This is Christa and me at the BSC reunion weekend. I met a woman who graduated in 1929 and is 101 years old. She was pretty cool. It wasn't even time for dessert, but she told the waiter she wanted a cookie and she got it. I can't wait until I'm 101 and can get whatever I want when I want it.

This is a Monday dinner with Melissa. Growing up my family always ate homemade applesauce on homemade Mickey Mouse waffles. Please see below. It's really the only way.



Brigid and I went to the Alys Steven's Center to see a show put on by about 12 Chinese men and women. The dudes could kick anyone's butt and the women could bend themselves around in ways that made my back hurt.

feeling artsy

artwork by alidowns

rainbows and butterflies and fairies and cotton candy

Friday morning I headed out to work decked out in my Friday outfit which includes my Fun Friday rainbow shoes. Love those shoes. Never have I gotten more compliments on a $5 pair of shoes from K-mart. I'm in the car and notice a totally rancid, horrible, terrible, dog-poop smell. I figure it must just be outside of the car, so I turn off the outside air and hit the freeway. Alas, the smell remains. Now, normal people might first check the bottom of a shoe for dog poo. I, however, am not normal and therefore, start coming up with wild explanations for why my car smells like poo. Surely, someone who hates me, and there are two that I know of, broke in my car, let a wild animal loose, and it has now left its treasure with me. Or, Norman slept on my car and had an accident. Well, I thought I was going to vomit from the smell, but I didn't want to pull over on the side of the highway and I didn't want to get outside in the pouring rain, so I continued to Warrior. Thirty minutes later I arrived at work to find dog poo on the bottom of my right Fun Friday rainbow shoe. Yuck. I carried dog shit from Birmingham to Warrior. Cheers to the beginning of Friday.

tonight, today, and yesterday

Today was a weird day. I spoke to Aaron last night. It was the second time I had spoken to him since we broke up. Our conversation was awkward with bouts of silence. It's strange to have a conversation like this with someone I still love, someone with whom I was very close for 5 months of my life. We decided not to speak again. I may see him at church on occasion, but nothing more. It was almost like breaking up again. We totally shut the door. Our life conversation is finished. I feel like this is the right decision for us, but it is ever painful and I must admit that I am totally uncomfortable with this present pain. I have been through break-ups before, but each one is so different. This one stings in a new way, leaves a different gap in my self-confidence, in my life. I think it's because I'm 26 and I was hoping that this would be it for me. I am having an immensely difficult time trusting the Lord right now. I believe that His ways are good, His purpose divine, each of my needs created and satisfied by Him in His time. Yet, it sure does not, does NOT, feel that way right now. It was almost easier to be in a difficult relationship than to be dealing with a quandary like this. God has always brought the right person into my life at the right time when I was not looking. But, I must admit, that I am always glancing around, hoping I'll spot him while I pretend not to be looking. I must remember that Aaron and I only broke up about 3 weeks ago. That's not that long and in fact, it seems that often the world has forgotten that we were together. But, I haven't forgotten yet. I still want to talk about it, yet at times, there seems nothing more to say.

Best quote yet

Landlord: Did you know that America has a drug and alcohol problem?
Me: I work at Bradford.
L: Where?
Me: Nevermind.

The color of my heart

I love fall back. I just slept for 10 hours. Love it.
I also love applesauce, as mentioned previously.





And finally, Ms. Melissa Brown's Flower magazine has made it to the big leagues people!