It is 10:53pm and I am still awake...

I realize that many people are still awake at this hour, just usually not me. I am a 10pm to bed girl. But, there are nights when I like to wander around blogs and websites and the news and find out what's going on. In approximately 4.5 weeks, I will cease to be a student. As in I will not go to class, I will have a job, and I will get paid for that job. Ah, I cannot wait. Although, I will be leaving behind one of my greatest gifts: manipulating the classroom. That may sound strange, but school, grad school especially, has felt simply like a maze of tests, papers, and projects. There haven't been many classes that were truly exciting or challenging. I absorb the information needed to pass the class, spit out what the teacher wants to know that I know, and receive my A in return. It took me until college to realize that grades aren't really important. It's not actually proof that one is intelligent or even brillant. It just means that you can take information, rearrange it, and reproduce it. I took a biology class in college. Now, the sciences are not my strong point. I really had to study for biology and chemistry. The first test I scored a D. The second test I scored an F. An F, people! I had never gotten an F in my life. And I had studied hard for those tests! So, I looked at the teacher, looked at the material, and looked at the tests. I realized that I was over-studying and over-analyzing. So, I studied less, tried to think like the teacher, and walaa- I made an A in the class by the end of the semester. That was an interesting lesson. I had another professor in college that demanded excellence from us. She made us think, breathe, talk, dream in Spanish. She was good. By the time I got to upper level Spanish classes, I couldn't even get an A. And I really liked that. I had to work hard for my B. I had to earn it. I had to write Spanish, speak Spanish, learn Spanish. I've actually wished in grad school for the opportunity to have to earn an A. I'm not saying that it's been easy for me or I'm smarter than anyone else. I don't think it's that. I just think it's that I've been a student for 19 years now and unless the teacher really believes in the material and is inspired to make us think beyond tests and papers and actually desires to hear an opinion, even if it differs from her own (gasp!) and not be threatened, I'm gonna be bored. Same song, 19th verse.

just a thought

"Perhaps the universe collided in order to protect you."

a loss

So, one of my favorite patients at the hospital has died. He was an elderly man and one of those really good, honest people. We discovered after a week or so that he was sicker than we had originally thought. He gradually declined as time went on. Although he didn't need a social worker, I would go in his room each day and listen to "stories." Basically, he would tell me about his life and every sentence began, "I remember when...." He remembered the Vietnam War and WWII. He remember Hitler and Churchill. He remembered when life was slower and a slower life made for smaller things being more exciting. He remembered when 20 cents would buy him a trolley ticket both ways, a movie seat, and a bag of popcorn. He remembered falling in love with his wife in high school and loving her still. He remembered so many things and I loved to listen. There is such treasure in elderly people. So much wisdom and dozens of lessons that I don't have. These people remember and experienced things that I have only studied in a text book. I wish that our culture treasured the elderly. We don't. There is an interesting book called The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down. It discusses that in some cultures, the eldest person is the one of most value, the one with the wisdom and guidance. It is an honor to grow older. In the American culture, the elderly often lose their value. The are slow, they can't keep up with technology, etc. I wish we could change our view. They have so much to offer.

Tomorrow, tomorrow

I am a fan of daydreaming. This blog entry is thus inspired. What would I want to do if I could do it for just a day, just one day?

Amy:
Dolphin Trainer
Safari Director in Africa
Service-Learning Director
Motivational Speaker
Chef on the Food Network

Alison:
Rock star
Photographer for national geographic
Travel book writer
Service-Learning Director
Pilot
Part of the United Nations
Novelist
Jazz/Salsa/Ballet/Tap dancer
Children’s book author and illustrator
Ice Cream taster for Baskin Robbins 31 flavors


Natural Bridge


Lunch


Okay, so I kinda covered the bridge with my hands, but it was a fun idea.

hang on to your fork, the best is yet to come

Well, I officially know what the food in Heaven is gonna taste like. It’s gonna be a huge spread from Kathy’s Country Kitchen right up here in Clay, Kentucky. But, I’ll get to that.
Amy and I ended up there after another eventful day. You see, since it was raining once again we decided to skip the hike and go out for an adventure. We hopped in Amy’s car and headed into the Kentucky wilderness to see what we could see. As we were heading up the first big hill, Amy’s car went sputter, sputter, die. Oh yes, big hill, no engine that could. So, Amy carefully popped the car in neutral and coasted back down the hill. We go to the middle of the bridge and then a nice man helped me push Amy’s car the rest of the way to the parking lot. And thus began exciting day number two. Still raining.
We jumped off Amy’s car and headed to Clay to the nearest mechanic where they promised to look at the car before dinner. Now, dinner around here is lunch or supper? Not sure, but we were sure hoping that dinner meant lunch and after lunch meant a fixed car.
In the meantime, we took my car and went to a so-called antique mall. We did find a couple of fantastic mugs and a cute purse. Aside from that, I’ve attached photos of other choice items that I hope are not necessarily antique. I was disappointed to note that people were selling their Disney VHS series! I mean really, I grew up on VHS versions of Cinderella, Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty, and Lion King! I cannot give those away. Of course, I don’t actually have a VCR anymore, but still, that’s like selling my childhood for pennies.




Anyway, after that shopping excursion we lunched at Kathy’s Country Kitchen. When I say lunched, I mean I ate like it was my very last meal. I declare, it was like manna from heaven. I had baked beans, butternut squash drenched in sugar and butter, greens, and a big ole’ biscuit again soaked in butter. It was so good I actually took my biscuit and sopped up any remaining butter or sugar or baked bean goodness left. They could have skipped washing my plate it was so dang clean. I washed that down with lots of unsweet tea that I doubled sweetened with splenda and sweet and lo just to top off the whole mess. The desserts looked fabulous as well but at some point a stomach has to say no and hope for survival.
So, we left there and went and got Amy’s car, which apparently had just gotten cold and tired and needed a little oil and love. We headed back to the cabin and oh yes, on the way there we stopped at a stop sign and I thought my foot was fully on the break and I looked down for a second and proceeded to bump Amy’s car with my car. Yes, I bumped my friend’s car with my brand new car while stopped at a stop sign. I know. I know.
Now, I am back inside. We have just watched a cheesy movie and 2 episodes of friends and it is still raining. Praise God for vacations. I love them. By the way, I have zero cell phone reception and finally understand how people used to survive without cell phones. You just sit around and enjoy yourself doing absolutely nothing.
Speaking of which, it’s a bit unsettling to go from being so busy to almost bored. It took me a day to adjust, but I’d say I’m doing just fine now.

The middle of nowheresville

Dear readers,

I am writing from a cabin in Kentucky. Amy Brown and I met halfway between Birmingham and Detroit at Natural Bridge State Park. Whenever we really miss each other, we always joke about hopping in our cars and meeting in the middle. Well, we actually did just that with a slight bit of advance planning.
Now, being that it is March (the wettest month of the year and the least popular month for matrimony according to my parents who were married in March), we decided against camping and instead rented a cottage. I was expecting to still rough it a little bit, but no, baby, we have the hookup. We are in cottage #206 overlooking the valley and we have a den, kitchen, bathroom, and 2 queen size beds all to ourselves complete with TV and dishwasher. We are living like queens.




So, Amy and I got up this morning bound and determined to go hiking in spite of possible rain. Okay, not possible, absolute. But, we packed our little lunch, filled our water bottles and headed off like troopers. Please see the attached photo of us just heading out. Ah, the optimism is amazing and the conversation endless. Well, it started to sprinkle just a bit about a mile into the hike. Nothing much, pleasant even. About mile 1.25 it started to rain. Really rain. The drench your jeans and re-wash your hair kind of rain. But, never be ones to turn back, we headed on. Oh yes, we headed on through the rain for the next 8.75 miles at which point we exited the woods at a completely different place than where we had entered.
Just a note to say, that while wet, the hike was still enjoyable. There is really nothing I needed more than a day out of doors with no phone calls and nothing abstract to ponder about the psychological mind. Plus, I was hiking with one of my dearest friends who allows me to be the truest version of myself with no fear and zero apologies. There is absolute, gorgeous freedom in that and I am truly grateful.
I digress. So, we had two options. Walk back to the car or walk back to the cabin. In order to avoid the main highway, we start walking back to the cabin to come up with a solution for the car later. Thankfully, we passed the activities center and I asked (begged rather) the nice man if we could please ride in the back of his truck to our car. Now, I do realize that we were sort of hitchhiking, which I do not endorse. However, after 10 miles of hiking in the rain and a strong desire for my drink of choice, diet Sunkist, and a simple hope to stay off the highway and preserve my life, I asked. Normally, the fact that I am 25 and decently good looking gets me a long way in getting help if I need it. However, today I went with the drowned-rat, please-feel-sorry for me look. Thankfully, it worked.

We proceeded to hop in the back of the pickup and the man went racing down the highway (still raining mind you) until we showed up at our car. Thankfully, by this point, all inhibitions about getting my new car dirty were gone and we hopped in the car and cranked the heat and went back to the cottage.
So, now I sit here on the couch after 2 hours of trying to re-warm my body and I am finally toasty once again.
What a good day it has been.
My father told me once that I expect life to be too exciting. I don’t think I do. I expect myself to fully experience life each day. Hiking in the rain with my best bud and having great stories to tell later is exciting. To me at least.

Scoot ova!

In group recently, one of the members was faced with a big decision. He really didn't know which way to go and felt he had no direction. One of the other members said that it helps him to remember that most of a decision is actually made after the initial fact. I didn't understand at all. How does the decision happen after you make the decision? He explained and I loved his insight. He stated that you make a decision and then you are faced with hundreds of other decisions resulting from the first big decision. You decide what your attitude will be. You decide if you want to spend time wondering how things would have, should have, could have turned out differently if you have chosen the other option. You decide how to make the most of the new situation. I love that. It makes the gravity of decisions not quite so overwhelming. I love my job. I learn so much from my clients.

Paul stated that it seems as though I enjoy one of my clients. I really do and many people probably wouldn't like her that much. She is difficult and guarded. But the thing is, I really haven't met a client I don't like yet. And I've met some mean, defensive people. But, I'm just enjoying this learning process so much. I can't help but like the different quirks each person and family member brings to the table. I am soooo just out of graduate school. The enthusiasm gives me away and I hope I don't ever lose it. Ever.

caller #3

I rarely know if anyone is reading my blog. So, why do I write publicly? Perhaps because I hope someone will read my stuff. Perhaps I hope to engage other people's thoughts and spur new ideas. Perhaps because I want to keep my dearest friends involved in some of my thoughts and activities. Perhaps because it's strange to think of writing something and sending it out into cyberspace for the world to see. I don't know why exactly I write publicly. Maybe for all of these reasons and many more. I do know however, that I have recently received comments from six different people about my writing. One person identified with something I'd written. Some else wanted to make sure it wasn't her that had bugged me. Someone else told me how funny it is to hear those four letter words come from me. I will not lie, I enjoy some good cuss words now and then. Someone else told me I sounded like I had such angst for such a little thing. Ahh, I love it. I wish sometimes that I could get on the outside of myself and read what I write unbiasedly and watch myself. I think I strike a good balance between laid back and the straight and narrow. That's my hope at least.

copied sayings from the Jewish Buddist

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then
what do you have? Bupkis.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and
attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten
thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might
want to see a specialist.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says,
There is no self. So, maybe we're off the hook?

soap box

One thing I often hear in recovery groups is "They just don't understand. They don't get it. They don't understand addiction." The they refers to anyone who is not an addict be it a friend, wife, husband, mother, father, etc. While I believe that you cannot truly understand the utter craving and rawness of addiction without being an addict, I think that we must not sell ourselves, and those we love, short. I believe I've said it many times: No one understands me. No one understands an eating disorder without actually having one. No, it's probably difficult to understand the absolute fear and love of food without having an eating disorder. But, you will never have a clue unless I give you the chance to understand. Of course they will not understand if we do not allow those we love to come in and try to understand. It's complicated, it's scary, it's vulnerable. But, loved ones cannot understand by looking through a peep hole in a locked door. We have to unlock that door and open it just a crack and give knowledge a try.

one thing

If I had to name one thing I'm thankful for right now, it's a good, stable, loving, supportive family. After listening to many of my clients talk about their messed up, literally fucked up, families, it's hard not to wonder if they even have a fair shot at life. Can they can un-learn the lessons they've been taught and find out what healthy, lasting, non-abusive relationships are? Can they can find out what a clean, sober life looks like? Can they recover? Where do you get support when life stops you in your tracks and you need a hand to hang on to? I'm not saying I give up hope. I have hope for each one of my clients. I wouldn't do this job if I didn't believe that people need millionth chances and someone to believe in them. I'm just saying, I suddenly appreciate, more than ever, the fact that I have two parents who are still in love after forty years. I have two brothers who I am so proud of and talk to on a regular basis. I have two sisters-in-law who love my brothers. I have four super-cool nephews who teach me about enjoying life to the fullest. Even though my own recovery was still painfully difficult, I had the support and love of my family. I can't imagine trying to recover without that.

P.S. One big thing I left off of my don't like list: Oprah. I cannot stand the woman. Why invite people on your show if you're not going to allow them a chance to talk?

Ice, ice baby

Ta-da! I have reverted back to being a teenager. I slept until noon and haven't taken a shower today and am not planning on it. Now, the fact that I haven't sleep well or much lately did contribute to the deficit, but I was really amazed at what my body pulled off at the noon hour. Normally, if I sleep late, I feel like a lazy butt and like I'm wasting my life and the day away. Not today though. I was pleased to finally rest and then meander down to the kitchen for a cup of hot tea and some fruit. It was the perfect noon meal. I have always known that I need "me" time. I just never, until this semester, understood how much I need that time. Today I have talked to approximately 2 people for maybe 10 minutes. Normally, I am constantly surrounded by people and voices and stories and I love it. But, today was not the day. I have read (for fun!), studied, painted, prayed, and journaled. I need days like these to refocus. The world does not revolve around me and the million things I have to get done for school and work. The world keeps on going, my life keeps on going, even with a much-needed break.

repeat

So, I've decided to do a most generic, copycat post. I'm going to make lists of things I do and don't like. I know, I know, but let's see what happens...

Things I really like:
my family, long talks with my friends, cooking dinner with friends, DANCING, looking at old photos, journaling, school, working hard, the high I get during and after a spin class, being in the mountains, staring at the ocean, flowers (especially the first daffodils and tulips of Spring), tulip poplars, any kind of fresh fruit, sweet cornbread with homemade jam, giving an unexpected present, real mail, painting, tickling my nephews, waterskiing, snowskiing, hiking, the way a smell or sound can take me back to a past moment in time, watching a new movie, the iPhone, mapquest, my little sister, Brigid, Puffy, fly fishing with Warren and Dad, laughing, the comics on Sundays, a new dress, sermons by David Platt, the Office, a good novel or biography, reminiscing, speaking Spanish, traveling, daydreaming, clean laundry, the results of cleaning, playing hymns on the piano, hope, being a social worker, second chances (and third and fourth and hundredth), text messaging during class, personal awareness,

Things I like but kinda wish I didn't:
Cadberry eggs, Cracker Barrell blackberry pancakes and biscuits, People magazine, facebook

Things I don't like:
Changing purses to match my outfit, breaking a bone, cleaning the bathroom, dusting, fighting with my mom or Brad, sarcasm or purposeful nettling, lies, being late, buying gas, a dirty car (especially the inside), revenge

Things I don't like but kinda wish I did:
holiday decorations, taking family photographs, ironing, the news, most poetry

Well, I'm glad to know that I can quickly think of more things I like than dislike. That's always healthy...or maybe I'm just not being totally honest with myself.