livin' on the edge

I feel compelled to tell my mother's racy joke. She loves this joke. Tells it in little whispers followed by outbursts of laughter. It's hilarious that she loves it considering how conservative she can be at times. Yet, I suppose we all need a little sometime spicy in our lives.

But, let me set the joke up. I thought about it because tonight I walked through the drive thru at Krispy Kreme doughnuts with Melissa and Felipe. Felipe had never had a Krispy Kreme doughnut and well, I guess Melissa and I just needed some eating therapy. So, the three of us marched through the drive thru (the walk-in part was closed, by the way) and then enjoyed our sugary delights while sitting on the curb.

Okay...

What do boobs and doughnuts have in common?
One's not enough and three's too many.

I'm sorry if you are sorely disappointed by my racy joke. I guess this whole entry would be better if you knew my mother.

one and the same

I have arrived. I am now 25 years old and just rented my first rental car. There is nothing I can't do now. I can legally drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, serve in the military, drive a car, vote, and rent a car. Feel the freedom. Only slightly tempered by the fact that renting a car means my real car isn't working. Total bummer.

On a lighter note, while driving in Tuscaloosa this morning I learned a couple of things. First, the local dumpster company is "Spanky's." Comes complete with a lap dance.

Second, a few inspirational quotes off the local church board. "Good minus God equals O." And "changed lives change lives." Finally, my favorite of all time, "God made you an original, just like everyone else." I'll let you ponder those for a while. Good night.

No gravity

Another gym story (at least that means I'm working out, right?). Today as I was walking to the cardio room I stopped to watch a group of kids in the aerobic room. They were playing a game where when the music is playing they dance like crazy and when it stops, they have to freeze in place. It was delightful to watch. I mean these little kids were getting down with their bad selves. One kid in the corner was working a little Michael Jackson. A few girls in the middle were throwing around cheerleading poses. I loved it. I love that these kids had no sense of shame or self-consciousness. No, my friends, these kids were told to dance and they danced. Now, put a group of adults in a room and tell them to dance when the music plays and you better believe the situation would be totally different. "What did you just ask us to do?" "Dance!? I don't know how to/like to/want to/have to dance! No way!" "But there are people watching us!" Oh that we could just take on that childlike attitude and embrace the fact that it doesn't matter. Yes, we can dance. Whether we have rhythm or not, we can move our bodies in utter joy to the music. Maybe next time I'll just pop in and join the kids. I'm sure they wouldn't mind and I've always wanted to learn how to moon walk.

blinding

So, I'm curious how some of the women at the gym just look so dang cute while (supposedly) working out. I mean, I'm guessing I either need to buy new workout clothes or figure out how to quit sweating. Today I arrived at the gym in running shorts and some old tank top matched with my new pristinely white, brand new tennis shoes (remember the days when brand new sparkling white tennis shoes were cool?). Not quite the perfectly put-together woman next to me without an ounce of sweat on her face. I'm really okay with the situation, I'm just, like I said, curious.

However, I did comptemplate other things while working out. For instance, the Iraq war. How long have we been at war? I don't even know. What exactly are we doing over there? Again, I am ashamed to admit, that I don't really know. I don't think about the war all that often (obviously). Yet, on the news today I saw that one family has lost two sons to this war and has another son still serving. I bet that family thinks of the war constantly. I bet they know hong long and what and why (if there is a why). So, if one of my fellow American families has been that affected by this war, then I have a responsiblity to know and understand what is going on. For my own knowledge and to assist in my future voting. Gotta go. I have things to learn.

In this moment

Whether I am worthy or unworthy of all this love that I receive, I am grateful. So very grateful.

one long run-on sentence

I have a little sister now through the Big Brother/Big Sister program. We hung out tonight for the first time. We went to Dairy Queen and then to see Evan Almighty at the dollar theatre on Lorna Road. (Note about the dollar theatre. You definitely get what you pay for. I think I am allergic to something on those fading orange theatre chairs. Either that or the popcorn that has become fossilized on the floor and now on my sandals.) We had a fun time together. She called me a few times today to make sure that we were still on for the evening and that I had directions and knew the time, etc. She talked my ear off over dinner. I liked listening to her chatter about boys and lockers and 7th period drama. She is 11 years old and in 6th grade. I remember those years and am glad that I marched through them successfully and never have to return. I don't miss the petty gossip and rumors and worrying about my hair and learning about make-up and shaving my legs and the dreaded draft into womanhood. And yet, there are things about that age that appeal, I suppose. Life was simpler then. I didn't make grand decisions or worry about bills or deal with relationships. Yet, I wouldn't go back. I wouldn't go back to that age or any other age for that matter. And although these transcient years seem difficult right now, I wouldn't skip them either. The learning curve right now feels so sharp that I might just fall right off, and yet...and yet what? I know that it will be worth it. That the lessons I am learning right now are vital to my success as an adult and my growth as an individual. That my faith is increasing and being constantly tested. My friendships are deeper and more sustaining than I ever imagined friendships could be. And I have poured everything into a relationship for the past two years and now have stepped away from it. Yet, I went for it, risked it, allowed my heart to be touched deeply. All in all, I'm just glad that life is a mystery. I wouldn't have been able to keep going if I had know then what I know now. If I had known about the future hurts and hopes unmet and wounds left raw and gaping. But, thankfully, we meet each grief as it comes and deal with that one grief. And somehow, the tears fall away and time passes and the wounds heal, at least in part. I couldn't deal with all my life's grief at once, but God has promised that he won't give me more than I can bear. So, I cling to his promises and know, that for right now, I'm moving through life, one grief at a time. Now, I'm sure that just sounds awful to read. All this 'one grief at a time' stuff. Yet, it works exactly the same way with joy. If I had all the joy of my life hit me all at once, I would just explode into bits of shooting stars. Again, we are granted the beauty of God's wisdom and grace. For in this time, I am experiencing not only grief, but also the joy of knowing that I am capable of such love and trust. The joy of knowing that God is control. The joy of knowing that although a relationship is over, my God still knows my intimately and loves me in a way that I cannot fathom. And this makes the grief bearable. At least a little more bearable.
And in his perfect timing, God brought this little girl into my life. You see, Brigid just needs some attention. Her mother is a single mom, working full-time and raising two kids. I don't know how she does it. So, Brigid has me as a big sister and her brother also has a big brother. My job is simply to hang out with Brigid. Go to movies, go on walks, play games, talk, listen. Tonight she clung to me during the movie. She held my hand, wrapped me up in a hug, put her head on my shoulder. As I mentioned, she needs attention. All day I had been very focused on my own personal and difficulties. And this reminded me that I am never alone in suffering. Everyone needs help. Everyone needs love.
Tonight in the movie, the character playing God said something along these lines,
"If you pray for patience, do you think God will grant you patience or give you the opportunity to practice patience? If you pray for courage, do you think God will grant you courage or give you the opportunity to be courageous? If you pray for your family to grow closer, perhaps God will grant you opportunities to love each other and stand by each other."
So, perhaps as I've been praying for my heart to heal, God has granted me the opportunity to love a little girl and help heal her heart a little bit.

attachment theory

So, Ryan started kindergarten yesterday and loves it. He went to preschool last year and really feels like this is a step up. Basically he's happy that he has a desk now and doesn't have to sit on the floor all day. I don't blame him. His only complaint is that recess isn't long enough.
It's funny how attached I am to my nephews. I guess it's just the fact that I have known them their entire lives. That is so cool to me. I held them as little babies and watched them grow physically and enjoyed experiencing their cute little personalities. Each of my four nephews are so different. I mean sooooo different.
I started school again too. Ah yes, another year of social work at the University of Alabama. So far, I am less than impressed with this so-called masters program. I expected to graduated feeling like I was really an expert in the field of social work. So far, I have done mountains of busy work, been forced to study under some of the worst teachers I have ever had, and spent my first internship sitting in a room watching the office on my computer and reading novels. And since I'm complaining, let's just talk for a moment about the new parking system. UA has developed this bus system to transport students around campus. So, when I went to buy a parking permit today, they offered me a choice of several commuter parking lots located a few miles from my building. Of course! I could just take the bus! Except that a friend of mine took the bus this morning and arrived an hour late to class because the damn thing took that long to get around campus. So, I can get to campus early to catch a bus that makes me late for class....right. No thanks. I'll keep parking in the neighborhoods and hope for the best.

blackberry pancakes

The humidity of Alabama welcomed me back. Wow, I forgot how soggy it is here.

Yesterday, we all went out to breakfast at Cracker Barrell before Mom, Dad, and I departed from Utah. Ryan was sitting on my lap while we made up our own version of that classic triangle game. After the game, I asked him for a hug. He said, "no, I don't want to give you a hug. I want a hug and a kiss." Fine by me. So, after our hug and little kisses on the cheek, I told him that I was going to miss him to which he replied, "I'm going to miss you too, Aunt Alison.....What about next week?" "What about next week?" I asked. "Are you coming back to visit next week, Aunt Alison?"

I miss those kids already.

on and on and on

I love making lists and it's high time I made one.

Things I did in Utah:

-led my first clinically oriented groups
-learned to drive a stick shift
-learned how to make bread
-learned how to make apricot jam (which is excellent slathered on the aforementioned)
-had my wallet stolen
-climbed Ben Lomond
-developed compassion and a greater understanding of people dealing with substance abuse issues
-ate peas, corn, tomatoes, and cucumbers straight out of a garden and cheeries, apricots, plums, and apples straight off the trees
-had a curious george themed 25th birthday party at which I got to wear an Indian chief's headress
-joined the public library
-mountain biked parts of the mountain that I ski in the winter
-became obsessed with spin classes at the gym
-learned how to fly fish in a stream
-completed a 5K with my nephews
-saw Old Faithful erupt
-knocked over a mailbox with my jeep
-learned that you have to add extra flour to cookie dough at a higher altitude or else you will end up with the flatest cookies you have ever seen (yet still fairly tasty)
-watched Pink Panther cartoons waaaaayyyyy too many times

It has been a full summer. I leave tomorrow after making Utah my home for 2 months. It has been wonderful, but I am ready to be home in Birmingham, AL.

bullshit

sometimes I think that whoever wrote the famous line, 'it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' was smoking some serious crack. I wonder how long it will hurt.

'Borderline' by Alison Krauss and Union Station

chariots of fire

Today we completed the 5K. It was a wonderful experience. We ran a little, walked a lot, did a few piggyback rides with
Ryan, and enjoyed the scenery along the way. Oh yes, Mike and I ate some baby plums off a tree, got grossed out by a lovely piece of roadkill, talked about life, and pointed out various flowers and things of interest. About an hour later, the five us prepared to cross the finish line (running of course). It was delightful. We were the last people through the finish line and it was so fun to watch my nephews' grins get bigger and bigger as all the other runners cheered us in. They were thrilled and we've talked about the race all day.

On the way to the race this morning Ryan asked, "How far are we going to run today? All around the world?"
I responded, "No, we're going to run a 5K which is about 3 miles." Ryan said, "Yeah, I guess it would take two or three days to run around the entire world. 3 miles is good for today."

When reading these things about Ryan, please keep in mind that Ryan has a thick southern accent at times. We have no idea why. He has never lived in the south. Some of us have light southern accents, but nothing like the drawl he puts out there. He can make one syllable words into at least two or three. .

I love to drive my nephews around. I put on Brad Paisley's new CD, set to number 15 which is 'When we all get to heaven.' They just sing their little hearts out on the chorus and it is wonderful. There voices are so pure and sweet and often off-key. Then, Ryan requested number 8 which is a crazy, jazzy song and he starts doing his air piano and saxophone and guitar. He does it throughout the entire song, just a sporatic little body of movement.

Could have, should have, would have, what if, why, how come, would it have been different/better/healthier/happier....

The list goes of questions like these. Here in Utah the efforts to reach the miners have been suspended. Several people have been hurt or killed in the efforts to save the others. I wonder if the miners, the rescuers, the families have asked these questions. There are many people I would risk my life for. But, would I risk my life for a stranger? Would I give everything to make sure that no route is left unexplored that might help someone else?

bittersweet

Tomorrow Mike, Ryan, Jackie, Mom, and me are 'running' a 5K. I cannot wait. It is going to just be a hoot. 3 miles is a long way for a five-year old who gets tired of walking in the grocery store. Originally it was just going to be Jackie, Mike, and me. But then, Ryan saw our cool race t-shirts and wanted one too, so he decided to join in and then, well, Grammy didn't want to just sit on the sidelines, so here we all go.

I start school next week. This will be my 19th year of school if you start at Kindergarten and count through grad school. That is a lot of school, a lot of preparation. I have been preparing myself with knowledge and skills that will hopefully help me navigate successfully through my life. And while I have already had countless, wonderful experiences, I am on the cusp of becoming an independent adult with a real job and my own path that is no longer linked to anyone financially.
I think that's what was so horrifying about the Virginia Tech massacre to me. Not just that priceless lives were destroyed in a matter of moments, but that the majority of the victims were on the cusp of adulthood. They had spent years preparing for life and then they didn't get to carry out those lessons and advance from hopes into reality.
And as I read the news, I am astonished at how passing the events seem to me. How real, yet distant. Like the tsunami. Do you remember it? My mind couldn't even fathom such an event and it was simply news to me. Yet, lives are still disrupted from that event that took place a while ago. And the massacre that I mentioned. I think of the event every now and then, but not too often. Yet, there are families whose lives will never, could never be the same. Holidays are different, traditions are lacking, hope is a phantom. However, I suppose we couldn't get through life if we all felt each other's pain the same way. There is too much horror in the world, too many tragedies. So, we deal with our own suffering and that of those closest to us and keep moving. And as wonderful as this world can be at times, there are other moments when I just whisper, 'Amen, come Lord Jesus.' Surely the world cannot go on this way much longer.

I'm lacking for a catchy title...

A conversation between my mom and Ryan today:

M: Are you ever going to get married Ryan? (why she was asking a 5 year-old that I have no idea whatsoever)
R: No, I will probably just live alone.
M: Even if you met someone as fun as Aunt Alison?
R: Well, I think that when I grow up I'll just marry Aunt Alison!

Today we went to Bear World on the way home from Idaho. Okay, so we paid to go in and see all these cool animals and as soon as we got past the entrance Ryan pipes up, "okay guys, where's the playground?" Anyway, we preceded to drive through the park in the car while looking at entirely bored and over-heated bears trying to figure out what to do with themselves. (Although these animals looked less than threatening, the driving around the park in a car gave me a spooky jarassic park feeling.) I always love seeing the wildlife, but the whole fence and barbed wire and electric fence thing has always made me feel sad for the animals. Something is lost in seeing tourists throw $0.25 handfuls of pellet food at "wild" animals.

Mike spent a long time in his room tonight after dinner. Finally, he reappeared and sidled up to me and placed a gift in my hands. He had spent all that time looking through his stickers and picking out the perfect ones for me. I received beautiful flower stickers and some with praying hands and one that says, 'just for you!' I have received many gifts in my life, but this ranks up there with the favorites.

lalalalala

With children it seems that the beautiful moments in life happen with no planning. Life is a spontaneous, wonderful adventure. For example, today we had the opportunity to watch Old Faithful erupt in Yellowstone National Park and watch an IMAX movie. Now, those are pretty cool things in my book and might have been highlights if the kiddos weren’t around. But, other delightful things happened today because of them. Like listening to Ryan’s pure laughter during the movie when the bear cubs were wrestling and falling out of trees as they learned to climb. Like wadding in the river with my nephews, being so careful, yet knowing that getting soaked is not a question, it is the inevitable. Like teaching Ryan how to braid my hair and play the hand slap game during long moments in the car. And when the hair has been braided and the hands are red from slaps and we are tired, feeling his little head rest on my shoulder and feeling his little hand slip into mine. Those are my favorite moments from the day.

jokes, vacations, and doggie tails

I’ve heard a good many knock knock jokes in the past two months. The following is my favorite:

R: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
R: Youda
A: Youda who?
R: Youda best Aunt Alison in the world.


Other noteworthy jokes:

Q: Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.

Ryan original:
Q: What happened when the dinosaur knocked over the tree?
A: The other dinosaurs tripped.
This joke ended up being hysterically funny to Jackie and me because Ryan’s jokes usually make zero sense, so this was a happy surprise.

My family and I are on ‘vacation’ in Idaho. We’re on a fishing trip. I’m not sure how a fishing trip turned into an entire family vacation since Dad and Warren are the fishing fanatics, yet here we are.

See I like to fish. Sort of. I’m getting better at fishing at least. I can cast pretty well and I’m learning to watch for insects to indicate what fly I should tie on and I’m starting to figure out where the fish hide. And I have some pretty spiffy waders. But, on the down side I am sooooo sick of untangling my line and getting my hook unstuck from some God-forsaken rock or tree or branch or tiny bit of moss. And I think the main problem is that I miss the point in catch-and-release fishing. I spent hours today casting and tying flies and trying to catch fish. But, when I did experience the utter joy of catching a fish, I only got to hold it for a second while snapping a picture and then pulling the hook out of its mouth. Then, it’s adios and get the line back out there. All that work for a few moments with a fish that doesn’t like me and I don’t get to eat later. Whew.

The other point that I need to address is that fact that we call family togetherness-time ‘a vacation.’ I mean, let’s face it. This is not exactly the relaxing, lie on the beach and sip slushie drinks occasion that I normally think of when the word vacation is mentioned. This is a forced time of getting along, biting your tongue and feeling like a child again. Not my idea of a party. It’s amazing to think that Mom, Dad, Warren, Brad, and I all used to live in the same house. That was ages ago. We were once a clan of five, now we are a supersize family of eleven.

I sound totally pessimistic about this vacation thing. Well, I’m really not. It’s been a bit taxing today. Except for the following highlight:

Today, as the family sat in the car waiting on my Dad to get directions, we witnessed a dog trying to catch its tail. It was one of the most comical things I have ever watched. That dog went around and around and around. Then, he would try a quick half turn in the other direction and switch back to the original method. At one point, he actually caught his tail and then just spun around with such delight. My entire family cheered for the dog and then sighed when the poor guy lost his grip on his tail and started the whole process over again. Alas, what else is a dog to do during the last days of summer?

Bienvenido

Isn't it interesting that things once written in a private journal are now written for all the world to see? Well, I will try to keep it clean and polite, yet interesting. Of course, I still have my handwritten journals. For don't we all have things so terrible and awful, they can scarce be written, let alone shared with the world. I must admit that there are things I am ashamed to write even for myself, for often I am judgemental and rash and empty of compassion and forgiveness. However, I hope that this blog will contain the interesting adventures, wonders, and small joys of my life that I'd like to share and hope to not forget. So, let's get started.

Before I forget, I want to write down some of the things my five-year-old nephew has said before I forget them. Some of them are repeats off of previous facebook posts.

Over dinner:
R: (sigh) Aunt Alison, it's so hard.
A: What is?
R: I've only been 5 for 3 days and it's so hard to be kind....but, I'm doing a good job eating!

Outside:
R: Look Aunt Alison, some ants are eating my cookie.
A: Yep.
R: Aunt Alison, have you ever seen an ant hill?
A: Yes, I've seen one.
R: Only one!?!!!
A: Well no, I've seen several.
R: Oh, how many is several?
A: In this case, probably six.
R: Wow, Aunt Alison, I've seen only zero! That means you've seen five more than me! (long pause) No, six more than me!
Wait Aunt Alison, I see one! (Runs away and comes back) Nope, Aunt Alison, it was a leaf. I'm thirsty.

In the women's bathroom at a restaurant (Ryan and Jackie)
R: Mom, what does that sign say?
J: It says to only put things in the toilet that belong there.
What belongs in the toilet?
R: Poop, pee, toilet paper.......and dead fish.

Last night Ryan attacked Grandpa with a pillow and 'yelled pillow fight!!!' Grandpa responded, 'how can it be a fight if only you have a pillow?' That stopped Ryan in his tracks for a moment. Then, he scampered off, grabbed a smaller pillow for grandpa and resumed the attack. It was hilarious watching a 65 year-old man pillow fight with his 5 year-old grandkid in pj's. Hilarious and wonderful. One of the few moments that I'd actually want to watch again on video. Most of those home videos end up of the floor or the sky anyway.


So, now that my parents have arrived in Utah, there's Nevin, Myrtianne, Warren, Jackie, Alison, Mike, and Ryan. The funny thing though is that we all hold so many different titles. For example, I'm a sister, an aunt, a daughter, and a sister-in-law. However, I am only called Alison and Aunt Alison. My dad is a dad, a grandpa, a father-in-law, and a husband. So, he is called grandpa, Dad, and Nevin. I never realized how confusing this could be until we were all together for vacation. Suddenly, mentioning to Mike and Ryan that Mom and Dad are coming means two different things. To me, it's Nevin and Myrtianne. To them it's Warren and Jackie. So, I've started addressing my parents are grahamcracker and grandpa in order to reduce confusion. Yet, I'm not sure my parents really delight in having additional family members refer to them as grandparents. Oh well. Oh yeah, and Ryan started calling his mom 'Jackie' the other day. That did not go over very well at all.

Ryan really enjoys waking me up in the morning. He dives on me at full force with a huge smile on his face. I'm never particularly excited to be up at the crack of dawn, yet there is something wonderful about his excitement every morning in seeing me. No one else is racing in to wake me and glimpse my sleepy eyes and crazy hair. So, I welcome the wake up calls. One day, when he is a little older, he probably won't race in my room, jump on me, and be ready to play. So, I'll accept his love in this form, right now.

I do love how Ryan never wonders if his presence is wanted. He justs scurries into a room with full force and engages with life. It is delightful (98% of the time). He is so real and innocent. If he is hungry, he eats. If he's sad, he cries. If he's lonely, he goes in search of a companion. I wonder when it is in life that we learn to hide our emotions and represh our bodies' signals.