This bumpy road of life

"Today I choose peace." On the way home to Nashville on Thursday morning, I tuned in to a phone OA meeting. There were 47 of us listening and sharing during the phone session from all corners of the United States. It was neat to be part of a group of people who were seeking peace, serenity, and abstinence on a food centered holiday. We discovered together how to change our perspective so that Thanksgiving became a day about love amoung family and friends and not a day about pumpkin pie and macaroni and cheese. One of the women said, "today I choose peace." I have repeated that phrase to myself over and over again since hearing it on Thursday morning. I did not choose to have problems with food, but now that I have established some self-awareness, I can choose health and abstinence over bingeing and obsession. Because food has ceased to be a remedy for life's problems anymore. Instead, any toes dipped into the pool of over or undereating simple leads to further food obsession, a surfacing of all my character defects, and an inability to successfully handle life's problems. In spite of this knowledge, I still dip a toe in every now and again just to be sure that I have not suddenly, magically morphed into a "normal" eater. I am always disappointed, but never surprised to learn that I am still me, food problems and all. I recently started going to OA and am absolutely in love with the fellowship and hope that I receive, and hopefully give, when I attend the meetings. I have a sponsor too. I choose her because of her smile, her story that was encompassed so much of mine, and to be honest, because she was wearing this super cool bandana that let me know about her fun spirit. I talk to her each evening and am always delighted to hear her words of hope, insight, and encouragement. She gets it.
I am sitting in Detroit right now at Amy Brown's home. It is snowing outside and quite cold. The snowflakes are enormous, just like the ones that fell on Julie Andrew's nose and eyelashes. But, I am inside with a cup of hot peach/mango tea and all is well in my world. I don't go in to work tomorrow. It's strange to know that the world of Bradford continues without me and I am glad to know that I miss my job and the fun people I work with.
I am feeling very grateful today. Lately, I have struggled with focusing on the one thing missing from my life (a man to love and be loved by) instead of the many mercies I have present. I have been having almost secondary withdrawls from the break-up with Aaron and some renewed anger. So, I put my time with Aaron on my gratitude list. Even though I don't really feel that grateful, I want to become grateful in this time, in this moment. And sometimes I just have to start by making myself do something uncomfortable. Because I am seeing the presence of God daily in my life. And this morning I sang about God's new mercies each morning. I believe that. So, I'm going to trust in this moment that God is fully good and not just partially good. I am thankful for:
My father's health. His foot healed after 8 months. I'm thankful that my brother was able to talk him into going to the pain clinic, something I didn't think possible for him to allow for himself.
The awareness that my mother has developed about our relationship. There has been healing there, people.
My sister-in-law's. Those women stand like pillars next to my brothers and have never strayed an inch. I love them simply for that.
My nephews. Never have I experienced such joy or learned so much about living life on life's terms from those little guys. They help me re-learn all the important lessons about sharing, playing fair, getting enough rest, eating healthy foods, stopping when full, loving unconditionally, losing with respect and winning with honor, speaking kindly, accepting discipline. All the good stuff.
My job. I am truly thankful for a job that I enjoy with people I enjoy. I cannot sum up the support and leadership I have received from Matt and Kelly and John. I cannot sum up the things I have had to figure out how to do in the sink or swim method. I am better for it.
Bouncy ball, kitty pictures, and fun shoes.
My friends. I have a core group that I hold dear to my heart. Amy, Amy, Melissa, Natalie, Michelle, and Donnovin.
My education. I grew up expected to go to school and at least go to college if not more. I was set up to succeed in life and for this I am grateful.
My apartment. I love my apartment with the alcove for painting, the black and white tile floor, and the sunlight pouring in through the windows.
My eating problems. I put this on the list absolutely. These problems lead me to my career, to my education, to my friends. These problems created a sense of compassion, understanding, and love that I do not believe I would have had otherwise.
My time with Aaron and the other guys too. See, I am starting in this moment.
My faith. My faith changes and varies, but I am thankful for the existence of faith and the hope of something bigger than me. I do not think my life has been left to chance. There is just no way.
This has been a bit of a mushy blog, but I have been overwhelmed with gratitude lately for the mercies I have received on this bumpy road of life. That is all.