claiming the truth

I think the twenties are interesting times. I have learned more in the past five years than I ever would have imagined. So much that sometimes I ache for a reduced incline on the learning curve. I am grateful for the wisdom of trusted love ones to walk me through. I have no idea how I would have survived without Amy Brown, my father, my brother Warren, and my sister-in-law Jackie. They have helped me make large decisions, if no other way than just listening intently and helping me listen to my heart and my own wisdom. I think one of my greatest struggles is allowing myself to believe that I am worth the love that is lavished on me. Over Christmas, Warren wrapped me up in a bear hug and whispered in my ear that I could come back and visit or live with them for a year or so any time I want. Imagine, my brother wanting my presence at any time for that long! It's such pleasant knowledge. I always worshiped my brothers, followed them around, listened to their every work, mimicked their movements. And now, to know that this brother desires my presence as well. And then, little Ryan. Ryan wept when I left Utah this time. He came running back time and again for another big hug and a loud smooch. I don't think he really understood in the past what it meant when I was 'leaving.' This year I do believe he understood. It was overwhelming to know that he cried at the thought of my absence.

I am reading a wonderful book entitled 'Life of the Beloved' by Henry Nouwen. He states, "beneath all my seemingly strong self-confidence there remained the question: 'If all those who shower me with so much attention could see me and know me in my innermost self, would they still love me?' Indeed, it is an agonizing question. One that makes me seek goodness, perfection even, and a sense of fear. Yet, Nouwen makes the point that I must claim my role as the "Beloved." I am not an accident. As it says in Psalm 139, "My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." So, I can rest in the fact that regardless of my sinful nature, I am Christ's treasure. And I love what Nouwen points out about Christ's love. "When love chooses, it chooses with a perfect sensitivity for the unique beauty of the chosen one, and it chooses without making anyone else feel excluded." So, I am chosen in Christ and you are chosen in Christ and neither one is excluded. There is room for both and all.

In light of these things, I still believe that my character is important. I think it is difficult to be happy for others right now who are receiving the very thing that I want. However, I long to be truly happy for those that I love. And so, I cling to the knowledge that my life is not an accident. I am the beloved.