PINK

There are various ways to survive my job and the intensities of working with patients who are struggling with the addiction of drugs and alcohol, among other issues. I really hear terrible stories. We live in a world that heartbreakingly painful and tough and evil. Last week was a rough one for me. I had several patients break down and cry in my office and tell me things that just really hurt my heart. Usually I leave work and shut off the work part of my brain. But, lately, I've been troubled by some of the pain and sadness in a different way than before. So, I'm at home today. I'm sitting here in my sunny cove and writing. I just didn't think I could possibly try to help anyone else today when I just hurt right now. The past few months have been riddled with more trials than I could have imagined and I do believe the 20's are just crazy years. I pray that life settles down as I grow up. I've cried more tears in the last three months than I would have thought possible and I'm glad we don't know the future because I do believe I would have quit some time ago if I had known. It's strange though. I have a job that I like, a home that is mine, friends that I cherish, parents I get along with, and a boyfriend who is pretty cool. But, it's still just hard. I mean, trying to grow up and be a productive, independent adult with healthy relationships and coping skills. I try to act confident, but I honestly have no idea what the hell I'm doing. No idea, whatsoever. I mean, I show up at work and listen and offer whatever wisdom I have and hope that I have impacted someone's life in a positive way each day. I try to communicate effectively with my boyfriend. I try to be a loyal friend. I try to do all kinds of things and honestly, today, I just quit. I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of messing up and I'm tired of wondering how to do things better. I'm tired.

I think I might go to Nashville on Saturday after work and see my nephews. They are usually the all-time cure for the blues. Something about their spunk and their excitement and their faces when I arrive.

Other ways we survive at work: Well, every Friday I wear my Fun Friday shoes which are my $5 K-mart shoes with rainbows. I get lots of compliments on these shoes and my co-worker and I get to do a shoe high-five and that's always fun. And, we make kitty pictures. I'll have to attach one. There's really no way to describe these. And, we now have the bouncy ball game. It's pretty neat and now involves like 70 bouncy balls. We get the bouncy balls from the Pizza Hut near work out of a pin-ball like machine. I got about 20 new ones last Friday. So, we all have our bouncy balls and we have starters and each of us gets several tries to get the balls into the Bengals helmet that just happens to be hanging around Matt and Tim's office. Now, you don't just get to throw the ball into the helmet, mind you. It must bounce or richocet or swerve around the room in a cool fashion and then glide into the helmet. And yes, we have score cards and rules, etc. It reminds me of Calvinball in a way, actually. So, we do that. And I laugh a lot at work. Or try to. And we have nuclear options. But, those are kind of classified, so ask me privately about that one.
But, for today, I'm sitting in the sunny cove. I just ate a little lunch, drank a little pink lemonade, and got my toes painted a light pink color. I don't think I've had my toes painted a color since about the 5th grade. At that point, I painted them neon green and left it on all summer. I thought it was really cool at the time. However, when I took the polish off, my toenails were dyed a gross yellowish-green color which took another 2 months to go away. Needless to say, it left a bad taste in my mouth about colored polish. But, here I sit with pink toenails for whatever reason.