tonight, today, and yesterday

Today was a weird day. I spoke to Aaron last night. It was the second time I had spoken to him since we broke up. Our conversation was awkward with bouts of silence. It's strange to have a conversation like this with someone I still love, someone with whom I was very close for 5 months of my life. We decided not to speak again. I may see him at church on occasion, but nothing more. It was almost like breaking up again. We totally shut the door. Our life conversation is finished. I feel like this is the right decision for us, but it is ever painful and I must admit that I am totally uncomfortable with this present pain. I have been through break-ups before, but each one is so different. This one stings in a new way, leaves a different gap in my self-confidence, in my life. I think it's because I'm 26 and I was hoping that this would be it for me. I am having an immensely difficult time trusting the Lord right now. I believe that His ways are good, His purpose divine, each of my needs created and satisfied by Him in His time. Yet, it sure does not, does NOT, feel that way right now. It was almost easier to be in a difficult relationship than to be dealing with a quandary like this. God has always brought the right person into my life at the right time when I was not looking. But, I must admit, that I am always glancing around, hoping I'll spot him while I pretend not to be looking. I must remember that Aaron and I only broke up about 3 weeks ago. That's not that long and in fact, it seems that often the world has forgotten that we were together. But, I haven't forgotten yet. I still want to talk about it, yet at times, there seems nothing more to say.