always

"The best and brightest part of my life is my beautiful nineteen month old son Bryce Austin Jackson. When Bryce was first born Bryce would not and could not go to sleep on his own. As with most infants he would have to be held, rocked, sung to, walked, and outright begged to go to sleep at times. As he grew, in order to help him develop a sense of independence, we began putting Bryce in his own crib and in his own room. In the beginning Bryce and I had the same routine. I would read him a book or two, give him a bath, give him a bottle, and then we'd turn the lights off and listen to music as I held him or let him lay on my chest. Bryce was not comfortable in the dark, unless I was holding him or letting him lay on my chest. As he got older I would keep the same routine, except after holding him for a little bit, I would put him in his crib and rub his back until he went to sleep. Finally, I slowly got to the point where I could just put Bryce in his crib, and just sit on his daybed until he went to sleep. Of course, at least once each night Bryce would poke his head up, and I would softly and simply say, "I'm right here Bryce, lay down and go to sleep." And knowing I was with him in the dark would allow him the comfort he needed to rest. Darkness, literal and metaphorical gives all of us discomfort and dis-ease.

There is something about the isolation, the blindness, the alienation, and the loneliness of darkness that causes discomfort. In darkness you not only can't see that which can hurt you, but you also can't see that which can help you. That is what scares us about darkness or dark moments in our lives. What is so profoundly interesting about comforting Bryce in the dark, is that there is nothing about my presence that changes the reality of his situation. It is still just as dark, whether I hold him, pat his back, or just let him know I'm there. However, Bryce has made up in his mind that knowing I'm there is enough for him to find rest in the midst of darkness.

Such can be the case with our relationship with God. I believe there are dark times and moments where God does not turn on the light in our lives. However, God will hold us, rock us, rub our back, or just softly say, "I am right here." In these moments, when God does not change the reality of our dark situation we have to make the decision that Bryce and every other baby must make at one point or another. We must decide that even if God's power does not change our reality, God's presence is enough to comfort us in our reality. It is at this point that we can lay our head down and find rest." ~Min. B.A. Jackson

I don't know what I would do without Jesus. I really don't. As I go through this process of trying to grow up independently and wisely, there are times I feel absolutely lost. I have made the decision to stay in Birmingham and I feel relived and unsettled. It is highly unlike me to stay in one place for very long and I'm not exactly sure what changed. But, I simply found that I didn't want to leave a place that feels like home to me. I'm extremely happy here and I couldn't find a good enough reason to leave the happiness and life that has built up around me. So now, I search for a job. There isn't much of anything worse than looking for a job, I don't think. I mean, it's fun to really think about what I want to do in my career and what I want in a job. But, it's just a bit overwhelming to figure it all out and put myself out there again and again. But somehow, my life has always worked out before. I believe God has always guided my steps even when I didn't really believe in Him. So, I am absolutely certain that I have not been brought this far to be let down now.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I cannot stop thinking about. In my dream, I was somewhere very hot with lots of strangers. I was the only person with a water bottle. And man, I really wanted to drink up all of that delightful, cool water. But, every time I would start to put the bottle to my lips, I would see the face of someone who needed the water more than me. And, every time, I would hear something telling me to go on, give the bottle away, you will receive another one. Trust me. And each time, I would battle within myself about whether or not to give the bottle away. But, it's mine! I'm thirsty and I want to drink! But, that child, look at her. She is so thirsty. You were promised more. Trust. No, I don't want to. Yes, trust. And each time, I would give the bottle away. And each time, a new bottle was immediately placed in my hands.

And since then, all I can think is trust. Just trust that God will provide. Just like he has always done.