Strike three, you're out.

I would like to say thanks to all who read my blog. I am honored that you would take the time to read my thoughts and I am always delighted to hear and read your comments. Writing is very healing and therapeutic for me, so perhaps the reading does the same for you.

So, I had to take a CPR/First Aid class on Tuesday morning. After 2.5 hours, I can now give rescue breaths, give CPR, handle all kinds of burns, fractures, strokes, asthma attacks, and heat/cold injuries. Makes you wonder why medical school takes 4 years and then residency. I mean, I got it down in 2.5 hours which is somewhere in the range of 1/1,000,000,000,000 of the time. I am just that good. However, I guess I should mention that when I was giving the first rescue breath to the mannequin, I accidentally blew my gum into her mouth. I tried to discreetly pull the gum back out without the instructor seeing me kill the patient, but it kind of stuck and as I pulled, the gum definitely got some good stretch action going. Bad scene. However, I boldly went in for the second rescue breath and this time a chunk of hair went into the mannequin’s mouth. Killed the poor girl a second time. Never fear though, next I got to practice helping a person who was choking. We are supposed to tell the person to keep coughing. Instead, I accidentally said, “Good job, keep choking.” Third person dead on my watch. So, the moral of the story is this: Call 911 and then come see me and tell me how you’re feeling emotionally.

In other news, I am currently at home at 6:50pm and feeling a bit anxious. I decided to stay in tonight. By myself. This is rare for me. I love people, I love being with my friends, I love being busy. Busy is comfortable to me. I usually fall into the bed exhausted at night. More than exhausted lately. I have actually been quite overwhelmed. So, Aaron is out with the boys and I decided to be alone in my apartment. And, I just thought to myself, how long until I can fall asleep? It’s strange to need this solitude so desperately and then to really find it quite uncomfortable.

I have discovered lately that I have characteristics in myself that I really don’t like. I’m often selfish and controlling, manipulative and self-seeking. I hate those things and I’m sad when they show up. So, I’ve been praying a lot today for the removal of these yuckies. So, I have a feeling that God is going to provide me with multiple opportunities where I get to choose between myself and others, between directness and passiveness, between control and a willingness to let go and trust others. Because I find it rare that the Lord just zaps something from my life. He usually helps me train and choose between Him and myself.

I’ve also been very challenged to find my worth in the Lord lately. I’ve been looking for it in my job, in my patients’ success, in my boyfriend’s love, in my friends’ approval and time, in my relationship with Brigid. And, I’m getting reminded over and over again to stop trying so hard. To take a step back from all my stuff and exhale myself and then inhale God.

Speaking of which, I’ve been trying to meditate on more positive things lately. I’ve been doing a lot of inhaling God and exhaling Him to those around me. The speaker at my conference had us do that and I just loved it. Because I do simple prayers. I’ve never been one for the long, intense, theological discussions with the Lord. I’m a lay-it-on-the-line-with-Jesus-prayerer. So, I like inhaling Him and exhaling Him. I get that.