here it is

So, I know that I constantly write about social work and all things related. But alas, I am a social worker and it is my blog, so I guess I'll write about whatever I damn well please. Ah yes, another cuss word.

I have always been scared to be painfully honest on a public space, but why not tonight? Today was a difficult day for me in the food world. I had several triggers over the past couple of days and I allowed a hole to enter into my recovery in spite of all knowledge to the contrary. And of course, after all was said and done, the abuse of food just doesn't work any more for me. I know too much about recovery to enjoy a relapse. Don't worry. Relapse is an awfully strong word. I know that and I don't take it lightly. I simply ate too much today. On purpose with the hopes that it would ease my anxiety and stress and self-doubt. The problem is food stopped taking care of these things years ago, yet I still sometimes blindly hope that it will still work because the recovery road seems so difficult at times. All the honesty and self-talk and support and blind belief in the Lord. Sometimes I just take things back in my so very uncapable hands and work my magic that always fails me.

Sometimes it's painfully difficult to sit in a room with other recovering individuals and give them support and advice when I feel weak at times myself. And for some reason, my addiction with food wasn't illegal. It wasn't illegal to not eat. It wasn't illegal to eat too much. Drugs are illegal. DUI's and public intoxication will hurt you. So for that, I am grateful. And I am grateful that I understand addiction and I understand recovery. Sometimes I wonder if my family thinks that my eating problems ended after treatment. Because it's still a decision I make every day. I wake up and decide to be healthy or unhealthy. And I used to be embarrassed about that. But, now I realize it simply aligns me with every other person on the planet. Because we each wake up every day and make a crucial decision.

I'm slowly working my way through Eric Clapton's autobiography. He writes, "My family continues to bring me joy and happiness on a daily basis, and if I were anything but an alcoholic, I would gladly say that they are the number one priority in my life. But this cannot be, because I know I would lose it all if I did not put my sobriety at the top of that list. I continue to attend twelve-step meetings and stay in touch with as many recovering people as I can. Staying sober and helping others to achieve sobriety will always be the single most important proposition of my life."
AMEN.
I have heard it said that people become social workers because they are trying to heal themselves. I suppose in part that is true. Helping others has always been a huge part of my recovery. And I suppose I'm always trying to heal the wounds that come along in life. But, I also feel an obligation to give back. I simply could not look back at my life without a crescendo of attention to all that I had been given, all the investments made in me without feeling the call to reply.