I did.

"And did you get what
you wanted from this life even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth."
-Raymond Carver

I couple of years ago when I figured out who Jesus really is to me, I did a painting. It simply said, "you are the beloved, my child." That captures my faith I do believe. I have a bit of a perfectionist mind and I tend to be a bit hard on myself (a gross understatement). Although, I have mellowed out over the past few years, it is still a blessing to rest in the love of Christ. It saved me from a messy life going nowhere fast. And it's fun to think that Jesus really digs me. I am his child. We dig each other.

And although Jesus is my foundation, I'm kinda stuck on the whole one way to heaven thing. I know Scripture back and forth, the way, the truth, and the life. But, do you ever wonder if we all believe in a greater power that could be one and the same? I don't know if I really believe that either, I'm just asking.

Someone asked me if recently if I witness during my sessions. No, I don't. It's not appropriate and in some ways spirituality is too abstract in crisis situations. A lot of my clients need medication now, a relapse prevention plan now, someone to call now. But, isn't my role just Jesus with skin? I'm listening, I'm loving, I'm helping, I'm being tough if needed, I'm providing crisis management. Plus, I don't want to shove Jesus in someone's face. That sure didn't work for me back in the day. It just pissed me off.

I'm working with three clients right now who lost their fathers to suicide. The repercussions of that are unbelievable. And it's heartbreaking to think that someone would think that the world would be better off without him/her. That life is too much to bear. That there's no one out there.

I don't know why I got blessed with my family. But, again, I can't imagine living life without knowing that my parents love me. I got tucked into bed every night of my childhood. My grandmother listened to me practice the piano and clapped after each scale. My father and I watched Aladdin at the dollar theatre probably 5 times when it came out. My mom let me clomp around in her heels and dresses day after day. I still talk to one of my parents almost daily. The memories are innumerable. I'm feeling sentimental this evening. I've adjusted myself so that I don't feel as much emotion at work. The first month was overwhelmingly painful. But, every now and then, when I'm still, the emotion will creep up and make me want to weep.