There are times when I simply want a moment's reprise from the endless thoughts and analyzing that my brain puts forth. And I have to wonder about my dreams lately. They are filled with familiar faces in strange scenes and endless ideas. I wake up exhausted. I have that churning feeling. Like everything is dug up and moving around and I'm fully aware of all my emotions, yet I don't know what to do with them. All these memories and and feelings are here and I'm not sure how to deal with everything and then file it away. So, I guess I'll go against my natural tendency towards order and just let things be. Elizabeth Gilbert writes, "Grief and nuisance are inevitable in this life, but if you can plant yourself in stillness long enough, you will, in time, experience the truth that everything (both uncomforable and lovely) does eventually pass." And, I would hope to add, resolve. Everything eventually does pass and resolve.
I was thinking today as I was walking Luke that I would love a buddy. I have reached that point in life where the desire for the company of 'my man' is present. I think it's natural at age 25 to think that it would be nice to have someone to share the beauty of a sunset in autumn with. And yet, I don't want to go around thinking that something is missing either. I want to be a whole person regardless. I felt whole today as I worked on a painting for my parents. I felt whole as I finished a test for psychopathology, a class that I am extremely interested in. I felt whole as I ate soup after getting chilled on my walk with Luke. I feel like a whole person. And someday, I hope to share a whole me with someone else. But, for now, I'll just be whole.
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